Hiyo, Kni-chan! It's your friendly Aussie-hood Spoons, here to drop you a review!

You have good rhymes, and wonderful imagery. I think that the main issue might me the timing? Like, in poetry, lines are often all of the same or very similar lengths. You have some which are a lot longer. But, of course, I'm an amateur and have no clue about poetry xD So I could be wrong.

I think you did a really great job, Kni-chan :D