Reviews for The 23rd Night of December

TheNarglesWillEatYou
2007-12-25
ch 1,

abusethat's interesting. i'm kinda thinkin' horny right now 'cause i'm listening to Panic! At the Disco. but good story! you really don't care, do you? good story, kinda random. that sounds like a really complicated marriage.

Audy
2007-12-25
ch 1,

abuseThis was really well-written. I only caught some minor stuff.

"How messed up wasn’t his life that his wife had a boyfriend that he knew about and had to tolerate?"

I had to read this sentence at least a few times before I got it. I think you mean to say 'How messed up was his life...' Haha. You rhymed here, I find things like that funny, please excuse me.

"You told your band geeks friends..."

Take out the 's' in geeks and it should be fine. =)

So yes, this was well-written. The dialogue was the best part of the story, it's amusing to read about Anna and Daniel **' each other xD

What I didn't like about this was the beginning, it read completely slow and felt like you were dumping a whole bunch of info. on us poor readers. You practically /told/ us everything about the relationship --but it would've been better if you /showed/ us how Dan & Anna interacted --and the dialogue bit was enough for that, I think.

Also, remember to abide by 'Say it once, say it right' philosophy =D I wasn't counting or anything, but it literally felt as if you were telling us the whole "Daniel and Anna are married, but they still date other people" situation at least a /billion/ times. In fact...you don't even have to tell us, we could probably infer these things just by following some subtle hints. Don't mistake your readers for being complete dopes ;D

Other than that, it was good. It was very enjoyable and I had a couple of chuckles. Merry Christmas!

~ Audy

Return to Top