Reviews for Porcelain and Delusion

bratja
2007-12-26
ch 1,

abuseI thought this started out really strongly: "Welcome to Delusion / the city that's all in our heads" (although I would have put "all" after "in", unless you meant the city is completely in our heads versus the city is in everyone's head).

However, I felt the end was a bit weak. I do like how you ended it, it just seems like there might be a better way to word it.

I also felt the middle should be a bit stronger, starting with, "So how did we arrive here?"

The lines, "We'll do this again and again / until we approach rationality" were stunning, though; I really, really liked those. Maybe you could capitalize the "r" in "rationality", to make it seem like it's a "city"? "Welcome to Delusion / ...Until we approach Rationality".

Your poem is full of potential, and with a little more editing I'm sure it could be absolutely gorgeous.

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