Reviews for Morning Glories - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Morning Glories - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Rainbowelectric 2008-04-20 ch 3,	abuseFirst, you're writing style is really good. You've an eye for detail and your description is very nice. I liked the image of the "night squeezing", the mornings being callously cold. You've done a good job fleshing out your character Derek giving us an idea of who he is, though there is still a mystery about him, but I assume that will be explained as we continue. A few observations now... in chapter one Derek describes himself as an only child and then goes on to say he's always wondered if he was truly "one" of his parents offspring, inferring that he's not an only child. I think it would be better to explain his appearance away by something his mother or father would tell him, like he has his grandfather's ... who just happens to be a grandfather he's never met or something like that. Something that he has to piece together, like if he looked like his grandfather...or whoever...why were there no photographs (you know down the line when he's trying to discover the "truth" of course you may well have this all explained away in your own fashion...and I've babbled on a great deal over one sentence...you'll have to forgive me. :) I'm hoping you have a reason for Derek to be calling his parents by their names when he's describing them. If there is a reason, the reader really needs to be in on it, or it feels odd. And we need to know more about Mai. Who is she? Are they best friends? And if so... then when he first calls her, he doesn't really need to say who he is...she'd know. And she would know that Zeke isn't his favorite person. Of course all of this can be fixed. She can suggest zeke in a mocking way...laughing all the while. We just need to know who she is in relation to Derek. Especially since he readily tells her right away about the man in the alley. She's clearly going to be pivotal, it would seem, so she needs to be fleshed out a little more. Okay now I feel like I'm nitpicking and I don't want that to be the case. You've created some good tension and desire to read more...which by the way, I've noticed it's been since January...so of course that means you need to get to chapter 3. :) pronto!
Derek57 2008-04-08 ch 3,	abuseWell, I managed to follow it alright. To be fair, I don't know why that reader even bothered to pick out those things. We all have flaws. You can't change your writing style, and Jacob, I urge you not to. It's wonderful :]
Derek57 2008-04-08 ch 2,	abuseThe last line was beautiful. I can tell you're quite the poet :]
Derek57 2008-04-08 ch 1,	abuseWell. I'm hooked. Read some of your reviews... Just...what?
Armored Red Eyes 2008-01-15 ch 3,	abuseIt wasn't that confusing! It kept me on the edge of my seat! Okay, so now I can give you a better review. Ahem. I could see how pretty Mai must be, and man, Derek must be really hot. Okay, I'm sorry but he must totally be! ^^ Anyway. Now I want to go eat Subway! You know, creepy things happen to people sometimes, and I was hooked, not turned off by the strangeness of that man, so don't worry about it. And you write it so well so there's no problem! There are stories I've read in my English class by my peers and lemme tell ya... I get SO bored I have to force myself to read on because I'm correcting stuff for them. So kudos to you, man! XD
sunscraped. 2008-01-13 ch 3,	abuseYou're barely keeping my attention through this story, and that's solely because of your writing style. Though, you really should watch your words. Some still seem a bit out of place. And check your grammar! I saw a few typos in this one. Oh, and some more imagery would be nice. Do you do second drafts at all? You should never post a first draft, kid... Aside from all that, your plot thus far isn't all that confusing, but it DOES seem like you're trying too hard to attract viewers. Don't worry about them, worry about yourself and how the story is helping you develop a sense of fulfillment. Overall... the juxtaposition between your normally las writing style and the occasional larger word needs to be resolved somehow, be it in raising the difficulty of your work or omitting the words entirely. It just detracts from your story. The dialogue seems a bit shaky too. Might wanna rework thosep arts. Well, that's all I can find wrong with it today. Good luck and I hope my criticism helps you.
sunscraped. 2008-01-13 ch 2,	abuseMmk... Once again, be careful in your word choice. SOme of the words you're using seem rather disproportionate tothe image I think you're trying to portray. Speaking of images, try to invoke a little imagery in your story. It would really help in developing some kind of setting. At the moment, I can't even picture what the place would look like. There weren't many events here. not that it's a bad thing, it just doesn't really hold the reader's attention. Everything is told for a reason, and I don't really know what David coming up was supposed to do for the reader. And thne it switches to a dream,so what happened to the friend, there? I'm guessing the woman was Derek's mother? If that's true, you made it a bit easy to guess. Might wanna obscure that a little more. Oh, and be weary of using the same noun twice in one sentence. It makes you look bad. Well, that's all the nitpicks I have for the moment. I'm a bit tired; sorry if I seem harsh. For my likes about the chapter... Though the descrip of the eye seems over the top, I really enjoy the final line of your story. It was my favourite. I'll leave chapter drei for tomorrow. Wiedersehen.
sunscraped. 2008-01-13 ch 1,	abuseAlright... cracks fingers Criticism first. Gotta each your steak before you eat your pudding. Your introductory sentence should change completely, and that's putting it nicely. It gives the reader no reason to stick around and read the secod sentence. It doesn't really grab attention. You need something provocative. And your second sentence should prove that statement true, as to say it's not just there for attention, it's there because it's the raw emotion of the event taking place. Second, preface is a funny word. I mean... Your adjectives are kinda screw. I mean, claret? Why claret? It's wine, and wine has nothing to do with the scene at hand. You need your metaphors to match, my friend. If you're gonna use wine, be sure to use other hard drinks in your other metaphors as well, or dining metaphors or something. That word just really stuck out as out of place. The alliteration is just weird. I mean, I can't find anything that it would facilitate, unless you had cleverly planned it to echo the gurgling noise of one whom is choking on their own blood. No offense, but I'm not really sure if that's the case. You might want to take out as much passive voice as you can. It does nothing for the urgency you're trying to portray. And honestly, I didn't get much feeling from the piece. Not to sound harsh, but it's true. I didn't feel any nail-biting action or need to hit the next chapter button. For the good stuff... Nice grammar. That's always a plus. No spelling errors no nothing. Oh, so nice to see on ths godforsaken site... I also enjoy the bit about the morning glories. Excellent comparison. Ergo, keep writing your piece and I hope my criticism has helped you in some way.
bjmart 2008-01-13 ch 3,	abusethis is really good. i can't wait for more! it's amazing.
MoonlitMeowth 2008-01-13 ch 2, anon.	abuseI really like it so far! I'm kind of out of it right now from last night, otherwise I'd tell you my favorite parts. Just wanted to let you know you hooked me. ^^
kiki 2008-01-13 ch 3, anon.	abuseyou sure made me interesting in your story... please update
Bella 2008-01-13 ch 3, anon.	abuseAnother review. This one is for chapter two. Your story reminds me so much of Stephenie Meye's series it kind of irritates me. Don't get me wrong it is quite amazing. And again with the big words. They really aren't needed. You can find more common words. They don't need to be Dick and Jane kind of words, just more commonly used ones.
Bella 2008-01-13 ch 2, anon.	abuseVery well written. You shouldn't try to use words your audience may not understand. Every once in awhile is okay, but it seems like you are trying to hard. Remember that your audience would like to enjoy the story, too. On another note, it kind of seemed like a twilight and gravitation mix. It just all seemed very familiar.
shallex (is missing you) 2008-01-13 ch 3, anon.	abuse! yay it's Carr!! I love you jacob! >.< lame Mai, I'd believe you if you told me that... ahh! stalker! dies aww don't worrie Derek. Maybe you just smell amazing(delicious) to the blue-eyed stalker and he keeps glaring because he can't figure out why yo smell so yummy. ^_~ once again, you pwn my writing skills into smithereens. ^_^ can you sign my copy of your novel after you get published?
i <3 j00 2008-01-13 ch 2, anon.	abusethis is so cool Jacob!I remember when you let me read this part in the manga section of the library that one time. remember? i think it was last year... omg! you pwn my soul. you are so awesome jacob!! x20 +damage btw, i noticed a typo. "Perhaps I was more buzzed than I though." i'm pretty sure 'though' needs a t. ^_^

Return to Top