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Reviews For: The Last Summer - Reviews: Page 1 of 10

firestar267 2008-05-15 ch 18,	abusethis story gives me bloody shivers! its just perfect. i wondered how you were going to end it, tillys final death - her moving on i mean, and you did it very well id love to see how they live in the future, but i think ending it like this is just right im so pleased for owen and jake! the characters just felt so real and you tied up all the ends really well too i especially love how it was ended at the downs one of my favorite stories, seriously. its makde me smile, gasp, laugh, cry...its perfect. everything about it - its written style and storyline perfect :) thanks so much for writing it
firestar267 2008-05-15 ch 17,	abuseIm sorry it took so long for me to review this! Amazing. I loved the image of death as owens shadow, and the ending where she realises how shes been acting, and she comes to terms with them moving on was just perfect.
B. J. Winters 2008-05-14 ch 6,	abuseI had time to give you a quick review on this chapter. Initial impression is that you could probably combine this with Chapter 5 and keep the “event” the focus – so basically do all the funeral/wake in one swoop - reason being that you repeat some stuff. The photographs for example – you made that same point with the slide show in Chapter 5. Dad vanished after a few minutes and came back with a red face, and Grandma Honura had introduced him to the priest, {why did he disappear? That word choice just struck me as odd and it was distracting} Silently walking, almost gliding, through the room, I managed to catch snippets of conversation, some about me, some about irrelevant things like work and cucumber sandwiches and holidays to the Maldives. I don’t know whether or not it bothered me, did I particularly want to be star of my wake? Well, it was my wake, it wasn’t exactly unreasonable. {so did it bother her? Or didn’t it…sounds like it did – so I’m confused – I think it plays better if she’s indignant} Grandma Moira nodded “If you say so, “she glanced airily over to the door. “ Must dash, I’ve just seen one of my sons, if you’ll excuse me.” {This dialogue doesn’t fit my grandmother image – too light/airy} I gawked at her “Little accident?” It sounded like I’d gone and wet myself. {very cute!} “We have guests. Would youthink about how uncomfortable you’re making them?” {typo} The fight between mom/dad is effective – but Tilly doesn’t offer much commentary/reaction until the end. I’m not sure if I like that or not. It works, but it’s a lost opportunity to show how she feels and build on the judgmental calls. In my opinion the first real emotion we see is the switching “why couldn’t it be me” reaction to her mother’s proposal and that really caught me off guard. Given how ambivalent she’s been it was a real “WOW” My father and I still weren’t. {fragment?} I really liked the ending, and the wondering about how life would go on. Again, you started this process in Chapter 5, and repeated it some here. I like it more at the conclusion.
B. J. Winters 2008-05-14 ch 5,	abuseFlow: I liked that you marked the passage of some time, without beating me over the head with it. Nice transition through the funeral. I am however left with the same impression you likely got in Chapter 2 of my story – the “where exactly is this going and do I need all this information”. You might be able to delete some of this and focus your points better. I’m tempted to start skimming to the next character interaction with Owen. Overall I found this chapter a bit predictable (again leading to the impression that you could shorten/focus). The “sitting up in the coffin wish” = while cleverly worded, was expected. The girl hitting on Jake – again, saw that coming. Pick and chose what you want the reader to get out of this chapter. I’m left with an entertaining read, but I’m not left with any deeper meaning. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to – I got close with the “go after him for me” – and wanting to route for that – but that’s late in the chapter. Example - This might need an edit: It wasn’t tremendously packed- I was hardly Princess Diana. I had a lot of relatives, having Irish parents and all but, apart from Jake and Owen, very few friends. Surprisingly, all of my year at school turned up, there weren’t many (though I was friends with even fewer) and a few people from the year below that I chatted amicably to from time to time {you made the point about few friends, you could get this across in half as many words. You do the same thing with the pictures/slideshow at the funeral – tighten it up} Characters: You were consistent with the character “drifter qualities” and the unflattering final photograph was a nice picture. Description: Towards the end of the chapter – Jake/the cigarettes/hitting the wall – I think that could be reworded for clarity. It felt choppy and I couldn’t really visualize it. I did like the unfinished feel the ending brought – it’s fitting to have the funeral be unsettling. I wouldn’t have wanted to walk happily off into the sunset Language/Slang: “I don’t suppose I could nick a fag off you?” {fag means many things, you might want to chose differently}. You use some swear words for Jake – not sure you really need them. I think you have a great deal of talent. I’d definitely encourage you to keep writing. I’ll be back again for more.
B. J. Winters 2008-05-14 ch 4,	abuseCharacters: Mom: “a grieving Duracell bunny.” – I can picture this! My poor dad stopped though. [awkward sentence – I’m almost left thinking “stopped what”, just thought I’d mention that] Early in this chapter, you mention a lot about what the characters are doing – but it might add value if you share how things might have been. For example, she wants to comfort her father – maybe add an example of how she’s done that in the past, or just add a “like I used to”. I’m not feeling empathy, I’m more getting a catalogue of emotions. You did this with Owen’s house and the doorbell example, and I felt more connection. Two agonizingly slow and confusing days after I died, Mum decided she had done nothing for quite long enough {but you said she was doing lots of stuff – so confusing conclusion. And rather than ‘after I died’ I would just chose the word “later”} Again on the character front: Fate almost feels like a character, and I do like that “leaving you”, etc. Nice touch. Dialogue: Very realistic parental discussions. I think I’ve heard these very same descriptions of my friends. :) Descriptions: I liked the mirroring, how your lead and Owen “wince” at the same time. It shows good connection. I enjoyed the listening to the voice mail message – it’s more true than we think. Spelling: {dialing, dialed – you have these with two 'l' a couple of times}
B. J. Winters 2008-05-14 ch 3,	abuseDescriptions: I enjoyed the opening paragraph – almost narrative style. Good question to engage the reader. Characters: Let me ask this question – what exactly did you want the reader to feel at this point about the main character? I’m enjoying the read, don’t get me wrong – but I’m not particularly sympathetic. I’m left with the impression of a drifter, lacking in goals who’s made some BAD choices. If you wanted me to feel a bonding with this character, I honestly don’t. I’m more interested in the scenario and how the main character interacts with others/impact, than the actual heroine at this point. Even as she realizes she’s dead she doesn’t wish for things to be different for any particular reason (no hopes, no wishes). Don’t wait too long to win me back over to her side, unless you were making some other sort of statement (which might be revealed soon). If I stay in this ‘well, she deserved it’ frame I’m likely to lose interest. I identify with her – no one should die young - but that might not be enough. Dialogue: Not too much to comment on in this chapter, but I like the shift to more description and thinking to move the plot forward rather than relying solely on dialogue to paint your pictures. Note though in this example: “Dad, what the hell are you doing?” I looked horrified for a minute and then forced a smile. “I haven’t woken up in invasion of the body snatchers or something have I?” {I’d remove the second section – it left me feeling flat, and it’s not necessary – she should say less, not more given the lack of response} Other: I love irony. The fact that mom was drinking – LOVED it. Grammar stuff: I bit my thumb nail nervously and realised that I couldn’t even taste my blue nail polish as I nibbled at it. {I loved this image – but it’s realized – I think it’s misspelled a couple of other times too} I thought about waiting around and finding an old biddy, no doubt dieing at this minute so I could pall up with her up that great golden staircase just to conform that I was dead. {again, loved the image, but it’s dying} Flow: You have thoughts characterized in two ways. You might want to pick one – example below is confusing. Either keep all italics, or use quotes…it’s hard to read both depictions so close together and understand they are internal: Oh God, God, God, capital ‘G’ God. [shown in italics] If I was dead, I thought in my half catatonic state as I rocked a little in a paranoid manner, (not that I was entirely certain that I was) then surely I wouldn’t just be sitting in a hospital room? Wouldn’t I be in heaven or something?
B. J. Winters 2008-05-14 ch 2,	abuseDialogue: Again, very strong both in choice of words and tone. I was able to follow the multiperson flow without lots of extra qualifiers. I particularly enjoyed the discussion with Mitch. It leads well into the next events as effective foreshadowing. The ending: I loved the depiction of death. Most vivid imagery – particularly the dog chew toy. Very vivid and relatable. Makes me want to read on - because death is not the end...etc... :) Flow: I’ll admit that I’m enjoying the English spelling, and depiction. Be careful though on over use of slang. This for instance: “You look nice tonight, Tills” said Jake seriously, staring at me with his cool blue eyes as his arm extended around mine. “You know, you’re probably the best looking ginger person I’ve ever met.” – {I don’t know what a ginger person is, or Breezers used a few sentences later. While I can assume on the drinks and the long term parking lot this chapter is very heavy with slang. Just be sure you are using this where it adds value, and help us poor ignorant souls from getting distracted and wanting to run off and use google so we can amaze our friends} Grammar/Spelling stuff: There was a large stark white bar area which was lit by bright white panelled lighting, {paneled} “And you, Jake, what tantalising future lies ahead of you?” {tantalizing} We drank more, we drank a lot more. {I’d use a semicolon} You recognise them instantly; people flock around them, hoping to pick up some of that amazing buzz irradiating from them and into the atmosphere though they stand apart from any crowd and it can be the best feeling in the world if they ask you to join their dancing. {recognize. A bit awkward in phasing – maybe too many pronouns?}
B. J. Winters 2008-05-14 ch 1,	abuseI’ve been meaning to get over hear and read this. I know you’re fairly happy with this first chapter – so I’ll be brief. Characters/Descriptions: I really enjoyed the Jake picture you painted – unique and artistic in both wording and word choices. I would however have liked more information about your main character sooner – name for instance. Maybe Jake can use it in the first line of dialogue, rather than waiting until page 3. Dialogue: Most enjoyable and age appropriate. The bra strap thing – genius. I also liked that you used casual words, and some fragments to keep the flow even. Opening: The poem is interesting – but I’m not sure you need it. Closing: I liked the last line. Nice forshadowing to read on. Grammar/Spelling: I would stand still and look at it all sceptically and try to decide what I wanted more; cancer or a boyfriend, and in the end I would always just call my mum so she could choose for me. {skeptically, I think you need a comma rather than a semicolon after more – and I’d break it into two sentences loosing the “and”. I think that the “In the end” phrase would have more impact stand alone.} The first sentence would read better without the “There Are” and passive voice. In my opinion there is never a reason to have “There are”, or “There is” start a sentence. {Some people plan, and have their lives sorted out, booking tables at restaurants months in advance. I was never that type of person. I drifted through life from the day I was born; I could have floated out of my mother’s womb…} Jake was planning some big trip that he’d been saving for since he was a foetus and I was just hoping it would all turn out all right in the end without actually doing anything for myself. {fetus} I wasn’t excited or particularly keen about that wide open space they liked to call the future much either; it could have been a snow white mountain set against a snow white sky while it snowed for all that I could picture of it. {I’d delete the “while it snowed”} But like a statue, his chiselled expression was sinisterly and grimly set into stone and if you were to break open his cool white exterior underneath you would find nothing but more hard, cold rock. {chiseled} Chislet looked idyllic enough, especially in the sun when everythingwas in Technicolor; {spacing}
GrannyP 2008-05-12 ch 18,	abuseOh wow. She finally did it, at the end. I guess she just needed closure. I was surprised that Tilly wasn't able to communicate with any living people in this story, but I am glad that you didn't go that route. It would have been too "Ghost" or "Ghost Dad" movies all over again. Haha. I can't believe I just thought of the movie "Ghost Dad"... what weird things my mind can come up with. Do you even know what this movie is? It's old. Anyway, I am always picky about endings of stories, but fortunately you passed my test. I can't stand it when something is too neatly wrapped up at the end or when we hear all about every character's future over the next twenty years or so. That just doesn't cut it for me. We need a little vagueness, and I like that you have done that here; recognizing that these characters do have a future but not necessarily telling us what it is. Thank you so much for doing that. Your abilities as a writer have been confirmed for me, if they hadn't already been apparent beforehand. Excellent story overall. I am glad that Written recommended this for me. I probably wouldn't have read it otherwise, but I am thankful she found it so that I could as well.
GrannyP 2008-05-12 ch 17,	abuseAww... I love Jake's (semi) new attitude. He's finally confessed his feelings for Owen. Seriously, the scene where he said he likes the hugging.. that was absolutely adorable. And I'm glad he lived, as much as I felt a bit uncertain about him before. And I am glad that Tilly realized how selfish she was being, not thinking about Owen.
GrannyP 2008-05-12 ch 16,	abuseWow, that was a pretty powerful chapter. Very well-written indeed.
CatDog-runs-fast 2008-05-11 ch 18,	abuseWel done! you finished! I liked how you tied in Gabriel's family and the last line. it was fantastic. i will be looking out for anymore stories you might be wrting in the future.
GrannyP 2008-05-11 ch 15,	abusehmm... I am finding Tilly's reaction a bit selfish, and then I feel a bit guilty for feeling that way about her. I mean, she is the main character and all (in a way) and usually we are supposed to like the main character or feel sympathy for her or something. I don't know if I can do that here. Well, it definitely makes for an interesting story.
GrannyP 2008-05-11 ch 14,	abuseWow. Just wow. Loved the part when Jake kissed Owen in front of the girl and just completely shattered her. Okay, now I sound a bit evil for thinking that was awesome. But really, it was, just because it was so JAKE. But poor Owen. I feel so bad for him.
GrannyP 2008-05-11 ch 13,	abuseJake, Jake, Jake... he makes me giggle a bit, mostly because I don't know what makes his head move. Well, yes, I do, but he's just so different to me, for some reason. Nice last couple of chapters though. I wonder what Tilly will have to sit through next.

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