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Reviews For: The Warder - Reviews: Page 1 of 3

Stopdamadness 2008-07-23 ch 1,	abuseI know you'd warned me not to look at this story. But honestly I like it. You described everything very well. I will check out the rest when your done re-editing. PS:I took a immediate dislike towards Simon.
ohthevoices 2008-07-16 ch 7,	abuseA couple nitpicks: -"Healers had ceased to be many years ago, when the Gods had disappeared. They had no power. They were a thing of the past. “That’s impossible,” she said, voicing her thoughts. “Healers are a thing of the past.”" - Stating that Healers are a thing of the past and then having your character say it right after is redundant. I'd cut out the first statement and leave it at what Nicky says. -The last sentence, you used "worries" instead of "worried." Other than that, nothing that I can see. Another good chapter =)
wolfblood82 2008-05-16 ch 4,	abuseWell, seen that you've done some revision here. And I think it really made your story better. Anyway, I guess I'll have to review up till here 'cuz it's getting late now. I personally like Atel's dream and Kyra's thoughts. They really did quite a lot for the plot in such a short span. And the fortune telling part. I feel like saying this is a lol factor, but I suspect this will not be the case. Anyway, nothing of a CC here. And yeah, thanks very much for your reviews on Wolfblood even though it has been freaking long since then. Hope to see more of your reviews for that story since I've just checked and you've reviewed up till chapter 3 lol. :D And yeah, just a side info: From the general feedback of my reviewers it seems that Wolfblood is at the bottom of my works in terms of standard. Which makes me go bit wtf since for all my stories, whatever I've written came off straight off my brain without any editing or revising. :S Anyway, hope to see your reviews soon! ^^ Bye! :)
ohthevoices 2008-05-04 ch 6,	abuse-Wait, so no one knew about Atel's family being dead? How could they not have noticed their house burning down? -"The guards looked at them strangely as Atel and Kyra presented themselves before the guards." You used "guards" twice here. You could change the second one to "them" or something. -So, basically, they defenestrated themselves. I liked this, if only because it gave me an excuse to use my favorite word. ;)
Larken Rye 2008-04-17 ch 8,	abuseHm. This is an interesting change--well, change in viewpoints, sorta. Anyway, it's interesting. I liked the last chapter, too. Oh, how to explain what I'm saying... I guess I'll just go with the "magic is a lost art" thing. And yet little pockets still exist... I like it. --LR
ohthevoices 2008-04-15 ch 5,	abuse-Why would Atel think the dream was a premonition? Everyone has nightmares, don't they? Premonitions are the last thing that come to mind whenever I happen to remember a dream when I wake up. (But then again, I have really weird dreams.) -"Atel raised his eyebrows..." What, is his uncle's consumption of liquor strange, or something? -"...sending bottles spinning and spinning from a distance..." Um, what? I'm a little confused here. -"...like flavored ice cubes." Do they even have ice cubes? The impression I'm getting from this is that this is a less modern society, and unless they've got random freezers or something lying around, they're probably not going to have them, or even know what they are - ice was usually something reserved for the very wealthy, way back in the day. -I notice some parallels with Eragon, with the whole absent parents and living with the mother's brother thing. I like how things are moving, though; the pacing was better in this chapter. And that Nera seems like a bloodthirsty sort. Should be interesting. ;)
M.R.Sanner 2008-04-14 ch 3,	abuseHmph , so people just don't know how to say a simple " Thank you " . Gosh . I like the bit of Kyra telling Atel at the end about the dude maknig a new bet . Good chapter ,short , but good . A bit more detail about the beast would be great so that way the auidence can form a better image in their head . Oh and it's really cool that they have a hunt for coming of age .Did you know a lot of European cultures , especially nordic ones , back in the old'n days the only way to become a man is to kill your father ? Intresting , I like the hunting thing better then killing off your father . M.R.Sanner
Loiya 2008-04-12 ch 10,	abuseHello! Honestly, how could I not read the next ch if Nicky's POV is next? Really. Ok: I am fond of numbering things today. And I seem very fond of details today! 1)Her father was waiting for her outside, tapping his feet restlessly and arms crossed. He was all dressed up, she noticed. \tapping his feet restlessly, HIS arms crossed\ You decide if my phrasing makes more sense. 2)Her father shouldered her, and she looked up. Nicky strolled down the scenery display, hands folded behind her back. She was admiring the flowers. They came in all sizes and colors. There was a blue one that looked like a rose, and a white one that was shaped like an onion. Take out Her father shouldered her and she looked up if your dead set on her looking like an eight year old. 3)“Be nice and talk to him,” he winked at her as he knocked twice on the door. It was answered after a few quiet moments by a woman, who Nicky assumed was the boy’s mother. change to: \he winked as he knocked on the door. It was answered after a few moments by a woman, WHOM Nicky assumed was the oy's mother\ How many times he knocks doesn't matter. at her is unnecessary, She's the only person for him to wink at. I think WHOM is the correct grammatical term. 4) A thought: does Nicky have a mother... 5)Evert Bella sat down, turning to his daughter. “Will you not wait with me?” “I’ll have a look around,” she decided. This isn't bad, but for the sake of character, I'd change it to: \Evert Bella sat down. "I'll have a look around," Nicky declared\ Just my personal opinion. 6)She walked across the carpeted floor, heading down a narrow corridor which walls had a gold outlining with a pure white color painted by grey pictures that Nicky suspected told a kind of story. which walls doesn't make much sense. Try: \She walked across the carpeted floor, heading toward the narrow corridor. Its walls had a gold outlining with a pure white color painted by grey...\ I think this works better. You? 7)Maybe go more indepth into the stories. Say Which was actually the insane god(gods with names do not have their title capitalized. like saing "the insane King" instead you say "the insane king"), Ingur, who had(etc...) just a few sentences of explanation, why he's being thrown off a cliff. Same thing with Aysha Torreni. Say: Who was none other than the legendary Aysha Torreni ^at the time of/when she had^ (etc...) We don't know anything about these people, and it would add depth to both the world and the missing gods if you talk about them at one time or another. 8)“No, don’t turn around,” the voice of Venat Schiavo(a thought, how does she know his voice if she knows nothing about him?) commanded. this doesn't sound quite right. You actually don't need to have either this sentence or the previous one in there at all. As ... Never mind... what happens next fits the impression I got. Ai. My bloods beginning to run cold. Nice touch. Ai. 9)"‘Course it must doesn’t mean anything, and likely that someone died after he was driven out from the city walls. But a while later, a group of fortune-tellers came through Scaffen, and told your father that something bad will happen to him or his family. He freaked out, and he wants to assure himself you’re safe.” Nice touch, though you don't explain what happened very well. He seems to know too much about what happened for someone removed from the procedings. Id get rid of 'Course it must doesnn't mean anything,...and told your father that something bad will happen to him or his family.* and then change He freaked out to He's freaked out 10) she /does/ have a mother... 11)“Well, why don’t you Nicky and show her around your room?” hinted his mother. I think you meant Well, why don't you TAKE Nicky... 12)Ok, make up your mind. Venat just had a complete change of character for no reason, and Nicky(a therapist, who should be good at reading people) doesn't see anything false about it? 11)Nicky walked across his room at stared at the broken items I think you meant AND stared 12) There was a compass with a strap of leather sticking out from both sides that could be worn around the hand and be turned to directions by waving the arm around. ….? Ok, maybe get rid of With a strap of leather sticking out from both ends and change around the hand to around the WRIST change turned to directions to TUNED to directions. Basically: what you said here confused me. you don't need to describe the leather if it already fits around the wrist. saying wrist instead of hand is a better description, and Tuned instead of Turned makes a bit more sense. 13)Nicky tried her best her nod, and skimmed over the rest of his treasures, her eyes catching a sketching of a smiling young lady with brown hair and curls. “Who is this?” she asked sharply. “Your girlfriend?” “Yes,” said Venat embarrassedly, “though you are far more beautiful than her.” He leaned forward, his mouth inches from her own. She was frozen in place. His breath was warm on her face, and he moved closer to her. mentioning his girlfriend is kinda well... awkward. If he's going to marry her, WANTS to marry her, then he shouldn't have a girlfriend, or shouldn't show her a picture of his girlfriend. 14)Nicky moved back. “Sorry,” she stuttered. “I’m not ready.” In such a position, she shouldn't say "Sorry,... I'm not ready." but, "No,... we're not married yet." This attention from him is rather abrubt again, and does not flesh out with the rest of his character as you've shown it. As for Nicky, she is a therapist and should be more assertive on her feelings. 15)She liked Venat Schiavo, but for some reason it felt wrong to marry him So far, you have given us no reason for her to like him. The feeling doesn't exist. You say she does, but she doesn't. Her actions, AND HIS, give no reason for us to even consider the possibility that she likes him. 16)As they were walking, she pulled her father into an alley where they could be alone. No need to pull him into an alleyway. Say As they were walking, she asked,... Or say when they got home, she asked him... pulling him into an alley doesn't make much sense. 17) You know I don't like that fortune-teller part... I don't think it's necessary. You could take it out and have her ask him why he's marrying her off so quickly.You could flow into the same conversation from that. Say that the band of travelers came by and told him that the man who escaped was planning revenge. That he'd either hurt him or his family. (I really Hope you change this part) 18)Nicky was aware of the way they were going. awkward sentence. Maybe say She suddenly realized they were walking away from the docks where their home was. 19)Her father remained quiet, but soon she had her answer. All the people are them were flocking to a huge grey stone building with tall spires and etchings of holy images. There were also words into the stones, such as ‘Always carry hope!’ It had an ancient feeling to it, and the people entering the building knelt before marble statues of men and women with animal heads and beastly paws outstretched, before doing so. “What is this?” she asked, although she could guess the answer. A number of probs with this P. Suggested changes: Her father didn't answer her. ^A large number of/some^ people were flocking towards the huge building looming up before them. It had X# tall spires, and a large etching of a holy image Nicky didn't recognize. There were words etched into the stones as well. They said 'Always carry hope!' ^(nothing)/and similar phrases^. The temple had an ancient feeling to it. She could see that the people inside were kneeling before giant marble statues of men and women with animal heads and beastly paws outstretched. i would remove the "What is this" cause if she doesn't know what a temple looks like, she'd have to be kinda dumb.(After all this is her world. She should know these things).Then just start the next P with Evert climbed the stairs... 20)The last time she remembered coming to a temple had been when she was very young. Its fine as-is, but I would suggest changing it to The last time she COULD REMEMBER coming to a temple had been... I think it flows better this way. 21)In the center of the room was a small circular room which Evert Bella beckoned his daughter into. It contained scripture piled atop tables and priests who were reading some of them to people. n the center of the room was a...room is not working for me, repetitive use of the word room for one. Try: The room surrounded a small circular building which Evert beckoned his daughter towards.. I would also change some of them to them, regardless of whether or not the preists are reading out of them all, because the some is implied. 22)That had been odd. Luke, she guessed, had been cured and wouldn’t come to her anymore. would change wouldn't come to wouldn't be coming i think this is a better tense for that sentence, though not a truely necessary change in my opinion. Sorry that my review is so long, and detailed. Its the Honest to God truth when I say that im being so harsh because I truly Love this Ch. You wrote wonderfully here. better than the last one. I just liked this chapter so much, i felt it was my DUTY to help you perfect it. Theplot line was wonderful, the characters didn't feel at all flat to me, aside from a time or two when they didn't make sense. Youdid a great job with most of the descriptions. You wrote a great ch with ZERO fight scenes, congrats! P.S. Zero sarcasm in anything I said here. No matter how much it might seem that way.
Loiya 2008-04-12 ch 9,	abuseOK!, Im back! If this ones more detailed, its cause Im slightly tired... I get most critical when Im tired... 1)the thief: there isn't a great sense of fear or urgency in those P... 2)3rd sent, 2nd P, you say clutching, I think this is supposed to be clutched... 3)when Atel asks "Have I earned your trust now?", it doesn't seem to fit... Maybe... "Atel paused, "Have I earned your trust now?" He asked bitterly." or not at all... 4)the transition into the next scene is slightly... iffy... 5)The Flanc description is ... Fuzzy... 6)There isn't a sense of urgency when Kyra gets bit... 7)"Atel leaned down to see what was underneath them." What was underneath what? And the fight you mention here... seems like an illusion... as though hes seeing something which desn't exist... like before no sense of urgency. it seems as though the beasts and the army are just playing... Though you add a nice touch of horror at the end... grant you that. 8)"I’ll tell you my secrets until you tell me the answer, not until.” i think its supposed to be WHEN you tell me the right answer. 9)Kyra and Atel's short conversation is sorta abrubt. aprubt. whichever. 10)"Elmec was turning the wagon sideways" this is fine as it is... but I would suggest had turned instead of was turning 11)bytheby... I like the magic you threw in there... Nice touch... althuogh they already knew he had magic... kinda puzzled there... 12)good job on the kidnapping scene. 13)“Last I heard you said assassins were on your tail, and you were going to try to shake you off. You have to tell me your story, and then I’ll share mine.” I think its supposed to be shake THEM off Ill end there with Un/Lucky #13... I like this ch... ends nicely. Interesting to see the beasts are tameable... and rideable... Just send a thought of where you want to go. Nice. Sorry if im kinda critical here. ok... Im really tired so I donna know if ill read another ch today... anyway... when are we gonna get back to the girl in the last ch... I liked that ch a lot... Bye.
Roman C Lee 2008-04-12 ch 11,	abuseI liked this chapter mostly because of the sword, axe, and dagger fighting! I love that stuff^_^ Hm, in the beggining after his dream the transition was a bit sketchy, I think. I had to read it over to figure out that it was a dream and he wasn't just waking up after passing out. But, when I reread it there were some elements that showed how stupid I was for not noticing, so that's probobly my bad^_^ I think you should make things a bit clearer, like the fighting sceans and stuff, because things seem blurry a lot, it would make the story flow a lot better^_^
M.R.Sanner 2008-04-12 ch 2,	abuseSorry it took me so long to review the second chapter ( yay for school) ! Ok , I ahve a question how do you pronounce Atels name ? I know it's weird but every time I read Atels name I couldn't but help think in my head Alltel ,the phone company . I guess they are spelled somewhat similar . So , yah actually knowing how to pronounce his name correctly would make me forget all about that phone company . Anyways , intresting chapter . So Kyra has no memory , at all ? Thats kind of odd considering her age ( when they were talking about a girl I pictured like a ten or eleven year old .) Over all nice chapter . M.R.Sanner
M.R.Sanner 2008-04-02 ch 1,	abuseFun way to start off a first chapter , can never go wrong with action , violence and magick ! Typically I'm not one for high fantasy but I liked this and for some reason I want to reread the sword of truth series again >< . This was a great chapter to draw the reader in and to leave them wanting more , and a great way to set up the world you plan to use through out the entire story . Very fun and I will be sure to read more . M . P.S. Thank you so much for my 300th review ,just for that you can be absolutely sure that I will read every single chapter of this ! ( just don't expect it all at once , I do have a life >< )
Roman C Lee 2008-03-31 ch 10,	abuseI liked this chapter a lot, just like i liked all the others! lol, that Vincent kid seems eager enough to jump into their marriage, I can see why Nicky isn't though. I can't wait to see what happens next! I wonder how NIcky's story ties in with the others.
Roman C Lee 2008-03-31 ch 9,	abuseThat. is. so. COOL! Freakin awsome! The hound are so bizzare; it's SWEET! What makes them so great, i think, is that they are potentially dangerouse, but I would still ride one given the chance! Ha, this chapter was fun, I'm surprised at how that guy could control a whole town like that. The sensations you described when Atel first used magic were overwhelming! Great job! NEXT CHAPTER!
Roman C Lee 2008-03-31 ch 8,	abuseI like this new character already! (even though i can't remember her name lol) Her power is so amazing! Can't wait to read the next chapter; i say that in every review, but it's true in every review! ^_^

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