Yum! I love Tennyson! Few notes though: his style tends to be less of an emotional narrative, and more of a physical one (i.e. he describes what the L of S is doing rather than what she's thinking), and he uses a lot of allegorical references. Try weaving these in...
But this poem is so good, I'm not sure where you'd put them. Keep writing,

scribbs

Wonderful poem!