FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| kelsi bones 2008-01-15 ch 1,  | abuseThis piece is so descriptive, and so pretty. [my light-eyed lion boy] is the cutest line ever. The only thing I would change in this is the seventh section, when you say, [I'm easy to remember like a summer/Memory that pleases you]. I think it would flow a bit better if you used a word other than memory. I don't know, I'm a giant weird do, but remembering a memory just seems repetitious to me. Maybe night, day, sky, or dream. In conclusion, YOU SHOULD WRITE MORE. =] k.X |
| Sweet Madeline 2008-01-04 ch 1, | abuseWow. Very powerful! many can relate to the feeling of actually amounting to something in someone's eyes, yet feeling like it's not enough.. You've expressed this very well! I love the setting as well; what a place for all this to happen, while skating. Also adds an affect when she asks for a hug & the cold blush on her cheeks when he calls her cute. I love it. :) |
| Nonya Soum 2007-12-30 ch 1, | abuse"The wind burns my bare forearms Where my sweater is too short, Unravelled like life and smooth edges." Very nice imagery! "Blades clink and scrape against ice And rosy laughter in the air, And you skate ahead of me, synchronized with An icy angel, white boots and silver blades Floating on something more than The uneven ice my rough-edged, unbalanced strokes carve up." I just love these lines. Each word is so well chosen. I wouldn't change a single word because, though you could, these words capture the right emotion for your meaning. Very nice! I really liked the entire poem, but wanted to point those 2 parts out. It's very well written. Great job! Write on! |
| smile for the sunshine 2007-12-30 ch 1, | abuseaw, that's really cute. and well written. i absolutely loved this. good job! |