Ok, storm before the sunshine and all that. I can't beta absolutely everything in a review, so I'll just choose the odd bit here and there and make general comments :D.

"Through the glass sliding doors behind the seemingly fuming white-blonde Nordic beauty that had fallen so unwittingly prey to Jared Wendell’s vile ploys at match-making a picturesque sunset could be seen." - It's not that I have a thing about long sentences, it's just that this one seemed a little run-on. I get that it might be your writing style to write long sentences, but I think this one could be broken up a bit.

Now this is just my writing style, and I know it's totally different to yours, so I don't expect you to use it, but hopefully you'll see what I mean about broken down sentences being easier to read: "Dying sunlight struck Drake's face, highlighting the down-turn to his eyebrows and the thin slash of his lips." Ok, so I failed at splitting up your sentence, but it leads me onto another point I was going to make. You do use vivid imagery, but I think you possibly have the same problem that I do, in terms of you using more adjectives than are necessary to describe things. Sometimes less says more.

Also, as a general thing, you can convey a much stronger image of your character's emotions if you show them through their actions or dialogue rather than stating them. Like I did above (sorry to sound so arrogant), but rather than saying 'seemingly fuming' I described his facial expressions. See what I mean? It also gives the reader more space for their own interpretation, which is always a good thing :D.

Oh, and be careful of repeating phrases. I've seen 'Nordic beauty' used a few times too many!! And 'white-blonde hair' amongst others!

"Clouds streaked with deep reds, violent blues, and rich violets and oranges seemed to float listlessly across the darkening blue heavens, the red of the setting sun having already disappeared behind the tree line." - that was a very strong image, but the sentence was rather run on. I think you could probably cut half of those adjectives out of there and make a much stronger image. I won't reword it, 'cause I have a different style and I don't want to intrude on your writing :).

"Everyone knew that one kiss from Drake would leave anyone swooning on the floor, begging unceremoniously for more of what they’d only had a taste of." - I think you know what I'm going to say about that. Perhaps he is a good kisser, in which case, good for him!! But it seems really "fangirlish" to state it in the way you did D: (I know that sounded harsh, but I think you make Drake out to be some kind of demi-god).

Hmm, the way you write kind of reminds me of 19th century writers in the way you phrase yourself. That's not a bad thing, it's just different to what I'm used to xD.

Have you ever read 'Brokeback Mountain'? If not, I think you really should, 'cause it's an excellent book. But the point is that I learned from it: you can write a character without having to describe their entire appearance, 'cause I'm sure that gets tiring to write for you, and a little too much for the reader. I'll quote from her (Annie Proulx) description of Jack Twist: "At first glance Jack seemed fair enough with his curly hair and quick laugh, but for a small man he carried some weight in the haunch and his smile disclosed buckteeth, not pronounced enough to let him eat popcorn out the neck of a jug, but noticeable."

She brings out his imperfections straight away and doesn't need to describe even the colour of his hair, because that's not the important thing :D

xD I'm a little suspicious of Jared's sexual leanings, eyy!

I think, if you want to appeal to a wider audience, you need to have your character relateable to. In order to do that, he NEEDS to have his physical flaws made more obvious earlier on, 'cause I'm three quarters of the way down the chapter and he still seems angelic.

Drake's got an odd way of talking...kinda posh xD. There's nothing wrong with that ^^. Though I do think that's an odd way to talk to your best friend, but if he's like that normally then that's fine :).

Yeah, you have a very Victorian way of phrasing yourself, which is cool :) but be wary of telling us everything about your characters. It's more fun to have their 'heartlessness' or whatever be shown through their actions and dialogue than just reading it as an observation.

"pale eyes that had darkened with what the brunette could only assume was lust" - I have a really big killer bee in my bonnet about eyes being used to describe a character's emotions or personality. In reality, eyes are just eyes, not magic eight balls. When you look someone in the eye, you just see their eye. If you want to tell whether they're angry, sad, happy etc. then it's all to with their facial expressions (lowered eyelids, not 'seductive eyes' - not quoting you - or whatever), tone of voice and overall body language. For example, if you don't want to be near someone, but they're close, you might try kicking a rock around or something to get a little further away.

"Jared called time, the teen’s own voice sounding somewhat breathy." - HAHAHAHA. I don't know why but that made me laugh xD. He seems like a fanboy xD.

"Drake just shook his head, letting Kurt’s go" - I know you meant Kurt's hand, but it helps to say what he let go. For all we know, he could be holding onto any part of Kurt's anatomy :O!!

I like how Drake is quite arrogant :). It's nice to see some sort of flaw on him.

"the look his friend was giving him held the tiniest fear of rejection" - as before. Better to show it through actions :).

Btw, just because I don't quote from every line I think needs changing, it doesn't mean that some lines may not need looking over. I mean, there are loads of lines that use way more adjectives than is necessary (I'm a hypocrite :D) e.g. "his mechanical, special drawing .01 mm lead pencil"

It's not just Drake who is perfect, ALL of your characters are like models O__O. I suppose that's the strongest criticism I have of this story. That, and you kind of go for the mundane aspects of people's appearances. Hair, eyes, nose. It's more fun to choose different things. Like 'a small mole rested on the bridge of her nose' or something. But most of all, and I am very much an 'I want it now' kind of person: GIVE YOUR CHARACTERS DEFECTS!! xD I just felt I needed to stress that.

"She was beautiful and any girl (yes she was lesbian)" - brackets in writing are generally a bit eww. Why not just show her kissing another girl or holding hands, 'lacing fingers through her fingers' etc. True, you wouldn't explicitly be stating that she was a lesbian, but again, your readers will generally be able to pick up on hints, and it's nice to give them their own interpretation.

I liked the drama at the end of the chapter, but Drake borders on self-pitying. I don't mind it too much, so long as he doesn't make a habit of it and become whiny and annoying.

"his eyes watching a certain dark-haired, dark-eyed teen who somehow managed to make the area in his chest where a heart had once resided flutter almost, but not quite, unpleasantly." - this is going to sound quite asinine of me but...instead of always saying 'a certain...boy' why not just say his name? As long as you don't start every sentence with the same word beginning, there's no shame in using names quite frequently. And it helps to make it sound more real.

Also, and this is, again, just a personal thing but I prefer it when the characters show their infatuation with someone else through their actions. The whole 'painful heart' thing is a little overdone and takes some of the emotion out of the feeling. Originality makes a story a lot more appealing ^^.

And the last line was okish, but it was a little predictable. I like it when the last line of a chapter gives a small twist or is very apt or not what you'd expect etc.

I know I have mainly criticised this chapter, and there isn't a lot of praise, and that doesn't mean that I think your writing is shitty, it's just that I'm more critical than praising because it helps the author improve more than tonnes of praise.

However, you have quite a poetic way of putting things sometimes, and I like how you do put some emphasis on setting, but I think you're quite good at writing setting (if you tone down the adjective use a little) so, maybe try writing it in a little more?

You know, I've spent like...2 hours on and off writing this. GEEZ. But I did review your chapter :). I might even read on, but it won't be today if I do, 'cause I'm tired. Normally I'd never get the chance to spend this long on a story, and it's only because I'm off school and ill that I got that chance. So if I do read on, the reviews will be shorter and more generalised.

All in all though, you are an able writer, and I really hope you don't find my criticisms too harsh :(.

I really loved your summary, and I liked the idea. I then checked out your story and was a little annoyed at the Dramatis Personae (I don't see why you can't just write your characters in rather than list them all. It seemed a little lazy and condescending to the reader).

Having said that however, I read the first half of it, and yeah, it is a slightly hackneyed plot, but I like your writing style and I was really getting into it.

But then I read "a certain Nordic, gay beauty" and "A single, perfectly arched white-blonde eyebrow rose as eyes so pale a blue they were almost white" and I read no further. I have a HUGE problem with characters that have a perfect appearance. In real life, everyone has imperfections, and no one looks that poetically beautiful without being airbrushed. When you read a published author's work, are their characters all perfect and fangirlish? Nope. They have flaws. It's what makes them human.

If I wasn't so tired of having to say that to so may authors, I'd have carried on. As it is, even if you did go on to give your character a physical flaw, I think it's a bit too late for me D: which is a real shame because I was beginning to like this.

If it's any consolation, everything else was really good. Loved your storyline.

The prejudice and all the bs, you have woven in this story is incrediable. If you write from personal pain I pray it all ends here and we are all behind you. Drake althought strong is very vun. I think we will see that in two. Aside from the gay issue. I think more importanty what drives a person to murder? You have taken that to a serious question in our minds. It's quite causal in here and that's scary. It is normal in the south, the gun thing in the homes. I like that and it should have a few more comments. Why is Drake so angry, well I understand the surface material you have told us and its blows you alway. but there is something deeper that drives him and I think Kurt is at the heart of bringing it to the surface. When he revealed his scars I wanted to cry. You started down a path of no return. Is it healty to feel so deepy? I would like a little more explanation on the ball game, just to carify the rules. I've read countless stories and I've always been free with my opinions, its a skill I have. The weaving of words is excellant and your grammer is 'AP'. I'm sure there are errors, so take a fine tooth comb and find them. 'points a finger' A very sensitive topic, takes a mature reader, a bit more cussing than I want,but the emotions role with it so well,I see a little work to bridge a few chapters together better, but I think you do to,at least from your very own notes. I only know a few other writers with your skill, so feel the praise and bathe in it. You have already baked the cake and the icing is so good. But it is the written words on top,the flowers, the sprinkles, swirls, that make you want eat it. In this case buy it. So on that note, expand the final chapters, greedy, yeah I know, I'm a pain in your ass. Good luck

well,I understand the need for this chapter, you give us a look at Drake's support group or lack of it. I think up to this point he has been alone, yet there is a hollowness in him that maybe only his mother understands and Kurt feels. Kurt is more than physical love for Drake. I think he is almost like an on/off switch. You know how hot a bulb can get and what happens when it gets to close to a curtain, or plastic. Sometimes you have to cut it off and let it cool, just for a moment to change it. Sometimes it burns so brightly unnoticed for hours, but when it dims everyone gets pissed and wants to replace it. It's easy to say somewhere freindship turned to love, but with your intensity, I think you should specific that in a short reflection of Drakes. You know a kind of pity-pot. I would like to understand more of his relationship with Mom and just how supportive they will be. Maybe in part two. The flash to Kurt is heart breaking and heart stopping. This is such a rush to the brain I feel like its '24hr'. Every moment counts.

Wow,it is four oclock in the morning . I started my day at 6:00am. Just couldn't put this damn story down. I pretended to go the bed at midnight and jumped up click on your site and continued to read. girl you are loved, Iam humble, bows to the greatness that is you. Awesome read. I felt the ending came to soon, yet I know it ended just right. I will be looking for you in Part 2 nite or morning. smiles.

Yeah, I really want to see Drake and Kurt anyway don't hurt him to bad. You have stepped up your game to off the charts. I'm a little concerned with Amelia is she going to use wicca to find him and how involved is the group, this is really angsty, dark, and all the elements of a professional writer, I support you all the way. It's interesting the Coven was attacked and Kurt the target. I asked earlier if he was a memember. My questions is the timing of the coven and Drakes involvement.

sorry I have been there to read for you, but seriously your grammer, and spelling is really good, Sometimes you get really excited and that only puts the readers on the edge of their seats. My only comment is the shortness of the last chapters. When you go to print give them the same attention as the previous chapters. Don't die out on us. smiles.

You hurt Kurt?? Hey Drakes hair is really to his ass and his bangs are they really that long. I'm a hair freak, and is he really that hot? You have truely created a world and I want to go visit. this town really needs some adjustments. THe Violence you displaced is scary.

I'm just happy !

Ok, you've been there and back, this is so lovely and shower bait. Keep up the good work. The art of weaving a story is rare and you have it down. I think this is a prelog to a great novel. Go for it. I'm buy the first fifty copies. No Shit. You are really that good. Lovin' it

I am so glad Kurt was bold enought to return and experience his affection. Side story is a great idea. JUst when I thought it couldn't get any better. You are so god. I may be late to your party but I am having a wonderful time with this story. thnaks for the great read.

this chapte brought out the tissue paper. You shared his private hell. Damn you are so skilled. Girlfriend you simple amaze me. I love the tenderness Kurt showed as Drake took the chance. great

wow, who needs cable tv, when we got this story. damn I'm on the edge of my seat, this is wowow...

Wow, didn't see that coming, I'm a bit of a softy, so that was a distrubing, but in line with the script. Drake sort of worked this out to his advantage and I find that strange because something is a little twisted in his mind. I can sence it. Kurt, Angel-chan don't be so cruel... Smiles. time to get another latte, this is so Good...

How do you write a lemon and not write a lemon. Its getting very hot in here There is so much left to the imaginaton its really artfull. Yeah may a person want to go and find a lover! Kurt is my little puppy, but he has a lot of passion and I like that. Drake is Drake, he's experienced and I'm curious as to why? It's obvious he's been there. I bet he has some real secrets...Lol