I really liked the voices in your dialogue. They were clear, distinct and sounded believable.

I wasn't so mad about the fact that some of your dialogue seemed to go on for long stretches with no additional commentary. I don't like a lot of commentary in dialogue but I thought yours might need just a little more.

- Esther, currently reviewing for the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)

Now that I've finished what's published so far, I hope you don't mind if I just make some general comments.

First of all, I like your writing style. Though it may not seem like it, I think your use of grammar and punctuation are good. Most of the time, your work is easy to follow and that is crucial to a good story.

Second, I think the idea of having two relatively ordinary stories running alongside each other with the only fantastical element being time travel is a good one. However, while your present-day chapters are nice and authentic, your ones in the past are poorly grounded. In order for this story to work, your details of the past need to be authentic - the way they speak, the way they dress, the way they behave. Also, throwing in place-specific details would be good. Where in America is this? As I understand it, the West and East coasts were very different at the end of the 19th century. As you have a season, this is probably on the East coast. But where? And who are these families and what makes them important? They don't have to be historical but they should be wealthy and important for the same reason that people were wealthy and important at the end of the 19th century.

Third, I don't find Chloe's psychological development authentic. This is not the way I would expect someone to react if they inadvertently time-traveled. Especially considering she's a history-buff, her engagement with the process seems quite out of character.

Sorry if that sounded a bit negative overall. You have a lot of potential and you write well. You just need to take it the rest of the way.

Minor issues:
Her head felt heavy and she stood up, swinging her feet up over the side of the bed. - I don't get why she swung her feet up.

seeing Chloe she softly said “Excuse me, miss” and went about her work. - There should be a comma between "Chloe" and "she".

It always seems that there is nothing to do around here - To me, this lacks motivation as she seems to have been pretty busy in previous chapters.

There is a cotillion on Thursday, your dress measurement should happen today - That comma should be a full stop.

there is a News paper convention for the Tribune,for which Mr. Kearns shall be returning home, that man always has something new to capture his attention - That comma should also be a full stop (otherwise it's a comma splice).

Chloe finished the bread and two spoonfuls of the mushy substance before she left the table. - If she doesn't know what the mush is, I would imagine her to be more wary about eating it.

her footsteps muffled by satin slippers she wore to keep her toes from turning purple around the house. - There's something wrong with this clause.

Her corset had been tied in a looser fashion today - I think it would be better to say "Her corset had been tied more loosely today".

pulled out a slightly bent copy of The Wizard of Oz. - The "Wizard of Oz" wasn't written till 1900 so if this is in the 1980s...

That is an ancient story, - Well, I don't know if I'd call it ancient though I suppose Chloe might (though, if she's a history buff, I would expect her to have a clearer concept of time).

I’ve just received a lovely note from your language and arithmetic tutor. - How did the tutor get enough money to go to Venice?

who Chloe recognized as James. - This "who" should be a "whom".

On Sarah’s other side Chloe counted the difference in how many cars went by them versus how many horse drawn carriages. - There should be a comma between "side" and "Chloe".

- Esther, from the Review Marathon (link in my profile)

Because of pressing the "submit" button at the wrong time, I'll put chap. 8 and 9 in here:

Chapter 8

Normally I find your writing very easy to follow but I found this chapter quite confusing. Possibly you're using this to convey Chloe's confusion but I would suggest slowing it down and giving some of Chloe's thoughts to help the reader process the action.

Minor issues:
Charmahnt - What is this name's origin? Because it feels like a modern name.

In one shop Hannah chided Chloe for having no “proper” hat - There should be a comma between "shop" and "hannah".

muscled Chloe in to purchasing three hats - Again, "into" is one word.

Chapter 9

I like the way the two eras are starting to overlap. However, I think Chloe should react more strongly to the revelation that her dreams appear to be real.

Minor issues:
Chloe, get up. Honey, you sleep like the dead. Get up! - I like the way the beginning of this chapter echoes the beginning of the last. It's a nice touch.

Oh, thank you, you are so comforting. - The second comma should be a full stop.

Chloe leaped into the car - I think "leaped" should rather be "leapt". Not sure, though.

October rains had been steadily increasing in time lapse. - I find this sentence vague.

1890s this is one of…well, I guess it’s one of my friends house. - This means it's even further in the past than I thought! How does Chloe know what year she's been going back to?

Deana said running her fingers along the banister of the large staircase. - There should be a comma between "said" and "running".

Homework had been a bit of a problem when it hadn’t been invented for girls yet. - I don't get this. Isn't she still having full days in the present?

she said clearing her voice - There should be a comma between "said" and "clearing".

she asked turning her head but not sitting up. - There should be a comma between "asked" and "turning". There's a couple more of these but I'm going to stop pointing them out. I'm sure you get what I'm saying.

- Esther, from the Review Marathon (link on my profile)

Here Hannah rolled her eyes. - I don't think people rolled their eyes in the early 1900s.

They pulled up to a house that appeared small in length but large in height. - Nice turn of phrase.

I like the details you put into the sections in the present. It gives these chapters an authenticity that I'm not sure the chapters set in the past have.

I wasn't mad about the computer conversation. I particularly didn't like the bold. It didn't feel very, well, professional to handle it like that. On the one hand, this isn't a professional writers website. On the other, we are trying to become more professional.

Minor issues:
Once in the kitchen she sat at the table. - There should be a comma between "kitchen" and "she".

on to the table - "Onto" is one word.

Chloe held out the coffee she’d been drinking out of - That "of" shouldn't be there.

Through the entire homeroom class Chloe could hear snoring behind her - There should be a comma between "class" and "Chloe".

Reed Franks, a boy who was in a class of Deana’s then in a class of Chloe’s gave Chloe a note from Deana as she walked into her last period. - This sentence is confusing.

He ran at the car and was only able to open the door after Chloe had gotten inside and unlocked the door. Once in the door, Chloe walked into the computer room and shut the door. - It feels like you over-use the word "door" in these sentences.

- Esther, from the Review Marathon (link in my profile)

It seemed to me in this chapter that the disjoint between Chloe and the people around her was communicated quite well. Her internal comment about it the boys getting dirty feels like something a modern girl might feel.

All in all, though, this chapter feels inappropriate for the time period. I have pointed out some specifics below but overall, I also just thought that the events in this chapter would be very unlikely to happen in the early 1900s. Possibly, it could happen in the period between the two wars but not at the beginning of the twentieth century.

Minor issues:
She got out of bed and was washed, dressed, and in the kitchen as a thick piece of bread with butter was set at the table. - It feels very inappropriate for her to be eating in the kitchen.

“Hello,” they said to each other. - I don't know if "hello" was used as a greeting in the early 1990s. I could be wrong but it I don't think it was.

With in minutes - "Within" is one word.

After that, a cluster of about four teenage boys came downhill onto the shoreline where the girls were sitting muddy and wet yet smiling. - Are the girls unchaperoned? It feels a bit odd that young men and women would be able to socialise like this in that period.

Even so they were happy. - There should be a comma between "so" and "they".

Well, at least go and change, please, Jacquelyn and her family are coming tonight - One of those commas should be a full stop.

- Esther, from the Review Marathon (link in my profile)

:)

~ behind the smiles ~

One general comment I have so far is that I like the clarity of your writing. You don't seem to feel the need to over-complicate and confuse your writing in order to try and impress your reader. That makes your story much easier to follow and get involved in.

This chapter has quite a lot of dialogue in which you say things like "so-and-so grumbled" or "so-and-so reasoned". While English teachers tend to encourage students to use synonyms for "said", this is not really encouraged outside of the classroom. If you look in any published book, you'll see very few of these kinds of words as it clutters up the writing. Also, if it's not evident that your characters are grumbling or reasoning from the dialogue itself, then it's the dialogue that needs improving; not the synonym.

Minor issues:
Her bedroom fan was blowing breeze lightly across her face. - I think there should be an "a" between "blowing" and "breeze".

He was, sadly, also in the choir. - Nice turn of phrase.

parent try to auction their kids off to the most influential families - That "parent" should be "parents".

The son of that one woman who thinks you’re her daughter. - That would mean she was engaged to her brother. Are you sure this is what you want to say?

- Esther, from the Review Marathon (link in my profile)

This chapter also has some interesting plot developments - sounds like this story is going in a romantic direction.

One comment I have is, even though you have specified that this happens in the early 1900s, this chapter especially feels very imprecise as to timing. It feels like you're writing about "some when, a long while ago". The details on the fashions, the way the introductions are handled - it all feels very random and not attached to a specific time. It's worth doing a little bit of research to flesh out the detail: what were they wearing in the early 1900s - the colours, the styles, the fabrics, the specific terms for different items of clothing?

Minor issues:

Why does mom decided to be harsh now? - There's a problem with the verbs in this sentence.

but dreams don’t happen twice! - To some people they do!

She knew this she had tried once. - What do you mean by this?

When we get to the house we will prepare for the party - There should be a comma between "house" and "we".

Hello, Lizzie, Mark, Miss Chloe, - This feels a bit informal for the context.

Chloe thought to herself as she focused her breathing pattern. - I think there should be an "on" between "focused" and "her".

He looked very nice - "Nice" feels like a very imprecise word choice. Do you mean attractive? Do you mean smart, or elegant?

He was out of breath from running (Lucky!), and he kept looking behind him towards the house. He looked very nice. He wore black evening pants and a white button-down shirt that looked a little puffy. He held a tie in one hand and a navy blue vest in the other. He caught sight of her and slowed to a walk. He smiled slightly and she smiled back. - All of these sentences start with "he"!

All the boys were in the same fashion as Blake although all in different colors. - This doesn't strike me as realistic.

They had the same completions - That should be "they had the same complexions".

Other boys were joining the group that made up the people that Chloe had seen the day before. - This sentence feels clumsy.

A tall sand colored haired boy, - That "sand" should be "sandy".

He lead her off to the side - That "lead" should be "led".

“Sorry,” Patrick said stepping on Chloe’s feet. - How is that Chloe knows old-fashioned dancing?

Last year was hectic - Hectic is a much too modern word.

- Esther, from the Review Marathon (link in my profile).

I liked the character work in this chapter. I'm getting a clearer and clearer picture of Chloe and the people with whom she interacts.

There were a couple of grammary, punctuation type problems that I've raised below:

Her brother was sitting at the table and every thing looked as normal as, well, normal. - Everything is one word.

When Chloe told the “dream” to her friends they all agreed that it was the weirdest thing they had ever heard of. - There should be a comma between "friends" and "they".

but something triggered her mind to yesterday. - Something seems to be wrong with this verb.

The day they went to the Governor’s Mansion. - This isn't a full sentence. I would suggest putting a colon in front of it and connecting it to the previous sentence.

She threw a piece of crumple paper - I think "crumple" is missing a "d".

When her mother called her to lunch she still hadn’t found that silver circle and had to abandon her search - There should be a comma between "lunch" and "she". Also, I don't think describing the ring as "the silver circle" is particularly effective.

At dinner, the Donica family was in their usual talkative state - - I think it would be better if you said "At dinner, the Donica family were talkative as usual, except for Chloe". "Talkative state" feels like a funny way to put it.

She got to her room and ran to her bedside table. The silver circle wasn’t there. She pulled up the tablecloth and looked under it. Her backpack sat there exactly where she had put it on Friday. She unzipped the first pocket and saw where she’d crammed her blazer. She dug in the breast-pocket. There it was, just as she had thought. The jewels were glimmering radiantly and the silver band seemed cool to her touch. She zipped her backpack back up and straightened. - More than half the sentences in this paragraph start with "she".

“We have carpet-cleaners coming tomorrow and your closet vomited! - I like that turn of phrase.

“How does Mason live?” - I'm struggling to see how this connects to the writing around it.

- Esther, from the Review Marathon (link in my profile)

I liked the plot development in this chapter. It will be interesting to see how this plays out.

Two things that bothered me:
1) Chloe's reaction doesn't seem real. Considering she's just done the impossible, I don't think she would be this calm about it.
2) The names "Chloe" and "Blake" feel too modern for the time period. I would suggest either changing Chloe's name or having these people call her something else.

Minor issues:
Oh, his son shoots them off! - I would suggest using only one exclamation mark.

his face looking annoyed. - This phrase feels strange. I would suggest removing "his face".

“Blake, dear, this is my friend, Elizabeth, and her daughter, Chloe, they are here to help put finishing touches on the party for tomorrow night. - The comma between "Chloe" and "they" should rather be a full stop (to avoid a comma splice).

After ten minutes of unproductive chatter Blake began to fidget. - There should be a comma between "chatter" and "Blake".

- Esther, from the Review Marathon (link in my profile)

I liked your dialogue. The different registers you used for the students and the guide were particularly good.

The section at the end - “When does the car come back,” Chloe’s twin Mason asked.//“Two weeks,” their dad said.//“You really didn’t see the tree?” Chloe asked him.//“It came out of nowhere!”
- feels out of place. It is unclear how it is connected to the rest of the chapter.

Minor issues:
sand-blonde haired, blue-gray eyed teen - I think that "sand" should be "sandy".

In her school there were one hundred and forty-three students. - There should be a comma between "school" and "there". Similar thing in the next sentence.

She guessed it had to do with the class trip to the old Governor’s Mansion. - Rather than "had to with", I would suggest using "was because of".

It still had the stone block out front that had helped ladies out of their carriages so not to dirty their skirts and the stone horse head mounted above the carriage house door with its ears missing because Mr. Kearns’ son had shot them off with his sling-shot. - I think there should be an "as" between "so" and "not". This sentence also feels too long and is confusing because so many different pieces of information are being squeezed into it.

And Chloe cut her off before she cause Alexandria to start twitching. - There seems to be something wrong with your verb in this sentence.

They reached the gate of the house and were lead into the house by a stout elderly woman - That "lead" should be a "led".

The woman seemed to be bored with her job, not exactly used to having to explain details to a room of uninterested sixteen year olds. - I would recommend changing that comma to an "and".

was silent in thought - There's something wrong with this phrase.

“When does the car come back,” - That comma should be a question mark.

- Esther, from the Review Marathon (link in my profile)

where is the ring?!! please update soon =] great story

I want Chloe and Blake together! please =] they'd be such a cute coupple. nice chapter. I'd add a little more substance and dialogue to the part in the rain and with the boys. it seems to skip by really quickly through the important times and doesn't show much of the feelings of what is said to make it fun.

great chapter. I love the ear plug part. update soon =]