   -.twisted.romance.- 2008-01-16 . chapter 1You're off to a good start! Here's a few things you might want to consider:
1. Formatting. Every sentence should not be a separate line. A real paragraph, according to all English teachers, grammarians, etc, must have at least three sentences minimum; a good paragraph may have more. Of course, during dialogue, this need not apply, and since this is creative writing there may be other exceptions as well. A general rule for online writing (fictionpress, fanfiction, LJ, etc): if it's only one line, it's too short.
2. Grammar. First, quotations. The end of every sentence in quotes needs some sort of grammatical marker. If the narration following it is part of the same sentence, you need a comma, and if it's a new sentence, it's a period. Of course, question marks or exclamation points are used in either case.
Thus, instead of:
"Say it" he said.
"Say what?" she asked innocently.
"Say the kiss meant something"
"It doesn't" she said...
It would be:
"Say it," he said.
"Say what?" she asked innocently.
"Say the kiss meant something."
"It doesn't (didn't)," she said... (tense agreement)
In addition, your sentences need more punctuation, such as commas. They are horribly choppy and awkward right now, since they don't have commas in the right places. There are also a few run-ons that cannot be fixed by commas, which need to be split into more sentences.
3. Style. First, NEVER SAY 'SAID'. Well, maybe not never, but in reality, people don't just say things. They shout, they whisper, they groan, they mumble, they stutter...there are a hundred other words you should use instead, because these lend more description to how the words are said and deepen the character. NEVER EVER use it for questions, though. 'Ask' is another word you might want to avoid; try 'inquire' or another term that gives the reader more of a clue; however, 'ask' isn't nearly as bad as said. If you must use 'said', modify it with an adverb: faintly, loudly, excitedly, angrily. However, these are generally not as good as using other words in the first place.
I also noticed you give us very little insight as to what the characters are thinking. The entire story is about the actions, not the people. Try to give us a clue. Why does she suddenly change her mind? Explain it to us. If she doesn't understand it herself, then give us some insight as to the confusion she may be feeling. Him too. Why does he run after her? Why is he so persistent? Try fleshing out these details more; a story is ultimately about people, not actions, and no one will understand the actions if they don't understand the people.
4. Word choice. This is, admittedly, more of a pet peeve than a writing criticism, but I absolutely HATE certain words in sex scenes. "**" is one of them, especially since it's never used in real life (out of all the years I've spent with perverted mail friends). |
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