|Reviews for My New Life|
| Jessie My Love 1/5/09 . chapter 2
Same suggestions as before with the whole CAPS and number thing.
Good chapter though. I like the whole idea of her being sold, it's a nice twist to the story, but I don't really get why they would go through all that trouble just to sell her.
I do wish this chapter was longer though. You could've easily continued with what happens next. I do like the gypsy though, good job at giving her an accent.
-Jessie m p.s. pay it forward
| Jessie My Love 1/5/09 . chapter 1
This was a good introduction, but everything seemed to move a bit too quickly. You should add more description to make it flow a bit better.
And please, oh please do not use CAPS LOCK. It makes your work look less professional. Also, it would probably be better for you to actually write out your numbers instead of just using the actual numbers. :]
Other than that it seems pretty good. I like your character. Your main one might be vain but she doesn't seem all that stuck-up.
-Jessie m p.s. pay it forward
| LucienofShadow 3/8/08 . chapter 2
Argh! The capitalized words hurt! They burn I tell you.
"15 of the newest lamb meat" 'lamb meat' isn't quantifiable. I can't buy two lamb meats. 'samples of lamb' would work.
Further more, the market didn't seem shady until you told me it was. You should show your readers what a place is like, not tell them.
This story has some potential, but I would recommend longer chapters if you are able. Hopefully there will be more detail as to the story's setting soon. Three cheers for exposition.
-Lucien of the Review Marathon (link in profile)
| LucienofShadow 3/8/08 . chapter 1
"The extremely dim light of the single lamp was making the overall bed’s color a unique shade of orange-purple." This description seems a tad overblown, considering you're only describing a bed and the lamp. How about 'The dim lamp's light mad the bed's overall color a curious shade of orange-purple.' ? It reads rather better, I think.
' to NOT know' All caps bother me in places like this. It is very rare that capitalization of an entire word is appropriate, and this is not such a case. Italics could possibly be considered if you feel that some type of emphasis is required.
'trill' you mean 'thrill.' And in the context it is more grammatically correct to say 'The thrill has worn off in the past two hours.'
"us are getting' should be 'is getting.'
-Lucien, of the Review Marathon (link in profile)
| Twilight Starr 2/28/08 . chapter 2
Being sold? That isn't good. Poor Jennifer. I wonder what will happen now.
Thanks for the review of "Places I Thought I Would Never Go".
Have an excellent day.
| Esther Jade 2/27/08 . chapter 2
I like your dialogue. You have distinct, authentic voices for your characters. That plot-twist at the end was also quite a surprise.
I find Jenn's character a bit inconsistent (some specific examples are given below). One minute she doesn't seem to know about anything, including money. On the other, she seems to know about motels and what makes a side of town shady.
The outside world and its wonderful colors yet, she just found it so mystical. - This sentence feels awkward and that comma shouldn't be there.
Crissie had informed her that she had an unusual color of Hazel-green for eyes - That H should be lower-case.
WITH A MOTEL - How does Jenn know what a motel is? She's been living in a cave her whole life. Also, motel is very American word - would it necessarily be applicable in a fantastical context?
Although, upon entering the small town, Crissie had told Sasa-Marie and Jennifer to buy some food as Crissie would sign into the motel. - This is only half a sentence.
there were stalls everywhere some of them were selling the strangest things like green skull shaped pendants and bottles of thousands of bugs mashed together. - I would start a new sentence before the word "some".
All in all, the whole Downtown Titanium seemed a bit shady. - How does Jenn know if something is shady?
The rest was ineligible. - I think you mean the rest was illegible.
Do your job. - That full stop should be a comma.
| Twilight Starr 2/26/08 . chapter 1
Interesting. In my own opinion (which of course means you don't have to listen to me or believe me), I would go with a new title. The current title doesn't grab me. It probably wouldn't do much to attract readers. That doesn't mean it's bad. Otherwise, nice work with the plot. Have a great day.
| Esther Jade 2/26/08 . chapter 1
I like the way you story starts quickly and goes straight into the story. You have a good first paragraph. This story sounds interesting though it wasn't quite I was expecting from the summary (The summary reminded me of Minority Report for some reason).
But Jennifer knew better, if was to prevent her escape. - That comma should be a full stop and I think the word after it should be an "it".
“How are you today, Jennifer?” The colonel asked - That capital "T" should be a small letter.
From her right she heard a snicker. - There should be a comma between "right" and "she".
“You know, Sasa, these military people have the WORST security.” Came the snickering voice - Full stop should be a comma and the capital "c" should be in lower case. There's a couple more problems like this in the dialogue following.
he motionless girl that came from the left grabbed Jennifer’s hand as well. - If she's motionless, how can she come from the left and grab Jennifer's hand?
Although now, about four hours of walking away from her cave of protection - That comma shouldn't be there.
She guessed this girl was the monotone, motionless one. - When you say motionless, do you mean emotionless?
The trill wore off in the past two hours... - The trill?
| Hed in the Cloudz 2/21/08 . chapter 1
Wow, I'm intrigued! This is certainly an interesting idea for a plot, so forgive me for being overexcited in my comment-giving. I won't be offended if you ignore me entirely!
Usually, I'm telling people that they're not descriptive enough. You, on the other hand, seem to be TOO descriptive. Some of your descriptions even contradict each other- "the motionless girl came" and things like that. Description is good, when it's relevant, but a lot of it isn't, and it doesn't make sense, or it's something that Jennifer can't know (like the age of her captors, or the time of day when she's just come out of a dark cave). You seem to have a habit of thinking that your reader is stupid (and therefore stating things that are obvious through the rest of what you've said). I think that if you read this over again, imagining what was happening in your descriptions and comparing it with the picture that you have in your head, you'll find that you can eliminate some of this description and improve on the rest.
Oh, one more thing. Fictionpress allows you to use italics and the number key, so you should NEVER write 'two' as 2 or use all caps if you want to make your writing seem professional. It doesn't matter, really, but it's more enjoyable to the reader if all of the text flows, and these things upset the flow.
Hey, and how does a psychic fail to predict her own kidnapping?
Anywho, it's overall a very good story (well, chapter...)! I'm very curious to hear what will happen next. Sorry for the hugely long review, and I sure hope that you don't mind constructive criticism!
By the way, if you would like me to go through and edit your basic spelling and grammar mistakes, I'll be happy to message you a corrected version! That's my favorite thing to do, you see.
| MoonfireSpam23 1/21/08 . chapter 1
Don't give such info dumping at the beginning. Tell us that as the story goes on.
Give more description! Don't worry, I have the same problem- not enough description and too much dialogue.
Hope I helped a bit.
| Dark Saboteur 1/19/08 . chapter 2
Its me and i am back.
He, i really like that ploy to get some money and how you made that "cruel smile".
That girl typical, never trust them to have a good living.
If you plan in doing a big book, then i sugest you make bigger chapter.
I hope you will keep up and update sooner.
| Dark Saboteur 1/5/08 . chapter 1
Sasa-Marie is a nice name, mainly because it counter balance Crissi behaviour!
I liked the bit of how you have written the bubly ness of Crissi and the sharp ness of Sasa!
I realy like as well when Jen thought she would have something more glamourous, really nicely made.
I bet they are going to be best pal innit?
Its just a thought anyway!
I hope you will update soon and that you appriciate that review!
You must be honred because on my book i had to wait at least a week before a group of reviewer came!
I am the Dark Saboteur!
I really like your style of writing.