FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Taltush/MeiMei 2008-01-05 ch 2,  | abuseOne rather awkward sentence: "Her mother, especially, she was constantly fighting with – she despaired to my mother, and my mother dutifully repeated it to me" Poorly phrased as well as confusing (too many shes). You may want to adjust it somehow. The dialogue is also a bit confusing. I didn't know who was saying what, and that, of course, is quite frustrating and bad in regards to character development. You managed to pull off the long descriptive bit remarkably well. It didn't slow down or feel bland once. Your writing is solid and clean, and the story is still interesting. It will be interesting to see where it goes. |
| Taltush/MeiMei 2008-01-05 ch 1, | abuseAn intriguing start to a story, one that certainly makes me want to keep reading. I like your writing style quite a bit. You don't write awkwardly and there are few if any mistakes that I could really spot. A few times I got confused with the past tense, but I think it's more of a phrasing issue. The only problem that I can really spot is the use of italics. Every italicized word has an i prior to it and an italicized one after ("I Please, /i "). It's kind of distracting and annoying. I assume it's something to do with the transfer from computer file to this site. I'd see if a reupload helps. Anyways, the story is arrange rather well, such that I'm quite eager to proceed and see what continues. I don't really know what this story will lead to, but it's well-written and interesting so far. |