wow

First of all, two typos - warmpth should be warmth and begining, beginning.

Also, while a comma before an and can be correct sometimes, every time you used a comma before an and in this piece you didn't need the comma. Another suggestion about "and"s? Whenever you have a line that has verb + and + verb i.e. "exploded and created..." you can get rid of the and by replacing it with a comma and putting the second verb into action a la "exploded, creating...".

Watch your pacing as well, the first four lines are incredibly fast paced because you keep layering the image until we arrive at the fourth line and aren't quite sure where we started.

To be perfectly honest, I really enjoyed the content. Vivid imagery and an interesting story but it was your presentation that was lacking. Stanzas perhaps and fully punctuating this piece to give it discernible flow and rhythm would really help bring this to life.

Good luck,
Midnight

The imagery just gets to you. I think the only thing I can say is beautiful. Great job.


-C.N

"from my withering dreams that died in front of me;"
That line struck me a lot. I love it. The flow and the strong imagery were very pleasing.

I really like this poem. There are many great ideas and lines. I must applaud you *claps*. Write on!

~Anna~ ^_^

the imagery in this piece is absolutely amazing... awesome piece

wow. this is purely beautiful and really gets to you. amazing use with metaphores and similies. this is really deep and written remarkably well. ecellent work.