This is very sensual in nature and that is a obvious attraction. The imagry is very detailed and graceful. However, this seems more like prose to me. I know there are poems that are very...long and story like but...

Dont change this in anyway but try a branch poem that is more simplistic and to the point. somthing that can really leave me shaken. I think you can do it really well.

Besides that advice this is fine how it is. thumbs up. ^^