FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| Midnight In Eden 2008-02-29 ch 1,  | abuseAlright, here begins the critique. I'm wondering about your mind having four walls... It seems almost too conventional. Also, the verb 'lilting' doesn't quite feel right in context either. I'm not really sure what you were trying to say in L3&4 because of that. On L7 perhaps "and" instead of "the" might help make the list a little more concrete in terms of what is doing what. In the later lines, the three 'on's aren't necessary either. It's just a filler syllable there. I'm also thinking that stanzas might be a good idea. I can see this in three stanzas of four lines - was that perhaps your intent? For me, to get stanzas on here go to quick edit/preview after you upload the story. Backspace all the little breaks that FP makes then enter in carefully your own breaks. That should work, if it doesn't keep playing around in quick edit until it does. Overall this isn't bad. I like the premise and the metaphor though I have to admit it is a little weak with the repetition at the end. Stronger imagery is key here and one of my major recommendations. Specific, vivid images always bring a piece to life and I think this piece could use a bit of it. Otherwise, nice work. Midnight |
| DiaRose 2008-01-08 ch 1, | abuseBeautiful, of course. Lovely imagery, and a unique outlook on the world like you always seem to have. Beautiful. Love, ~Dia |