Reviews for Manhunt - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Manhunt - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

xIfLoveExistsIWillFallx 2008-06-20 ch 4,	abuseOK I really like this. Very well written and great potential. Really like the characters. Do you mind if I tell the story so far to my scouts next time we're playing manhunt? It'd be great to scare the crap outta them. Update this soon. I really like where it's going. Helena
super awesome guy 2008-03-11 ch 4,	abuseWOW I have read good story but this one is great.
Incurable Adoration 2008-03-11 ch 1,	abuseI love the concept, but your first chapter needs some rewriting, I think. Personally, I think it'd be more affective if the ghost children didn't tell the real kids that they're infamous...maybe the ghosts don't have to know there's a legend about them at all. I'd find it creepier that way.
leavesanity 2008-03-08 ch 4,	abuseWell done! I really like this story! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASRE KEEP WRITING! ~lulu~
N.M.B. 2008-03-07 ch 4,	abuseI like it. Horrific and original, in my opinion. Keep posting.
Kar-zid 2008-03-07 ch 4,	abuseThanks for mentioning me! ^_^ Awesome chapter, and so the game begins...
Slasherfanatic26 2008-03-07 ch 4,	abuseThe Game Has Begun... :D From The Amazing Slasherfanatic26 saying UPDATE SOON!!
Slasherfanatic26 2008-03-07 ch 3,	abuseI can't wait to see them play the game. It's going to be so cool! :D
Slasherfanatic26 2008-03-07 ch 2,	abuseI wonder whats going to happen to these kids now? I mean, I know what happens to them, but I don't know how it happens :D This story is pretty good so far.
Slasherfanatic26 2008-03-07 ch 1,	abuseThis is great so far. I wonder if that guy really did kill those kids? And now their ghosts?! Weird, but cool! :D
Hed in the Cloudz 2008-03-07 ch 4,	abuseOoh, yay! More story, and this time I GET MENTIONED! Thank you muchly. Anywho... First off, teenagers, no matter how long they've been dead, usually don't often use the word 'therefore' in their run on sentences. Sure, a few of us might occasionally, but those of us who do are geeks and should be hunted down and forced to join debate club. But I digress. "hoping the guy wouldn't see me" This implies that she's seen the killer, but then why does she talk about him so casually? I want DETAILS! But nice last words. I must say, these deaths intrigue me, but it's a bit difficult to remember who looks like what and who's related to who, probably because of the rather superficial descriptions (and the fact that I'm not used to reading stories that aren't complete yet). Can you throw me a bone and include a character trait every once in awhile? (ex "Shay's eyes gleamed, a surprising reaction to such a painful topic" or "Curtis rolled his eyes". Of course, the latter has to be strategically placed.) ""Our bad." chorused Rei and Charisse." Nice, creepy ghoul chorus certainly adds atmosphere! Around now, I'm wondering where your main characters are. Whose point of view is this from-- the dead kids, or the live ones? It can be omniscient, but you still need to acknowledge all characters and have someone there to focus on. THe closest I'm finding to that here is Curtis. ""You gotta admit, she does a good job of telling it. And I quote, 'I lost all sense of time and reality...'Dayna, you got style, man."" Nice off topic teenage chatter, here! And I must remember the word 'stabbitied'-- "reseign yourself" It's spelled 'resign' :) "I asked incredulously." Oh, it is first person! As I said before, I'd forgotten that. Perhaps 'I' should be keeping a more running commentary? "the smae as" I'm sure that you see the problem here. Don't want to insult your intelligence, so I'll leave it to you to fix. "You'll find yourself with knife marks all over your body, and daggers stuck in your heart and skull. Oh, yeah, and you'll find yourself drowning" This is a quirk that comes from too much time in English class, but I've always been told that repetition of a word/phrase so close together sounds yuckish, and that's what I'm noticing here with your double use of 'you'll find'. " We guessed pretty well then, this time." A hint that the first time, they were failures at the game? Nice-- a way out definitely heightens the suspense. I'm noticing that now we're hearing the narrator a lot more. That's great! "we will be split up in groupes" Another typing error-- No 'e' in 'groups'! I'm sure that the last part is some kind of inside joke, but it is funny, at least! _ Please forgive me for my scattered reviewing thoughts-- I've been reading longer things and commenting line by line, recently. I love the plot, can't wait for more, and literally jumped for joy when I read in my email that you'd added a chapter. So yeah-- write more, more, more! And please don't take any of my comments as barbs, because they're all written purely due to my enjoyment of the story (the better the story, the more popular it is, the more popular, the more reviews, the more reviews, the more you write, the more you write, the more I get to read...) :D Wow, I have, like, a stalker-esque interest in this story. Please forgive me!
Hed in the Cloudz 2008-02-27 ch 3,	abuseOh, by the way, about the first chapter, I shall repeat what other people said-- NO AUTHOR's NOTES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORY! But now, chapter two. First off, ALWAYS write out numbers. "First" or "One" doesn't matter in list-like cases, but it just looks awful if you don't. And, like I've said before, I don't care what they're wearing, so much as what they're doing! Other than that, I don't have much to say. I'm rather confused about the game-- earlier, you made it sound as if the game had lasted centuries, but now it sounds like a relatively modern thing. Also, I believe that serial killers usually have a trademark, and these kids have been killed in so many different ways that he's only a mass murderer. Please write more! It will annoy me endlessly, that you end with such a cliffhanger and have already written the rest. I really like it, you see!
Hed in the Cloudz 2008-02-27 ch 2,	abuseI didn't even notice this the first time I checked out your story! I still love the sinister feel, and everything else that I mentioned in my review of the prologue, and will thus stick to constructive criticism. but again, you have a few grammar issues. Much of your dialogue feels a bit forced, and all of your characters are wearing hoodies, if you haven't noticed. Oh, and, as the reader, I'd much rather hear about malevolent glints in the characters' eyes than their hair colors, and their names are rather irrelevant. Other than that, though, still think that it's great!
Hed in the Cloudz 2008-02-17 ch 1,	abuseOoh, gory. At first, I was wary, seeing how this is only one chapter and most was spent describing the deaths, but if it's going to be continued, then I'm excited! I'm not entirely sure how the twins died of blood loss, or how they know all of this so soon, but again, I'm curious! Reminds me a bit of a Jane Yolen story, but I hope that it'll be longer than that. Please write more, unless, of course, this is a memoir. Then I don't need to know.
im.a.werewolf.rawr. 2008-01-31 ch 3,	abuseyes, exasperatedly is a word lol. Write more soon, please!

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