I caught the Sleeping Beauty reference before you mentioned it - I feel special! Though it strikes me more of a Thalia, Sun and Dawn story (I believe that is the original).

I love the title of the story, and it seems that I can't criticize anything except for perhaps the spin-off of Sleeping Beauty. It is sort of like plagiarism (at least in my mind), but my brain can ignore what my mind says in order to give you a review.

hi there

well, i guess i was right to think i was like sleeping beauty. why did you pick that particular fairy tale, may i ask?

btw, you did an excellent job of redoing the whole thing. i'm interested to know how THIS one turns out

i still love it. not sure why you don't.

please read my stories, "religion" or "the black arts"! i'd be very happy to hear what you think.

grace

i love it

you know the end was sort of reminscent of sleeping beauty. and i think the couple should have discussed payment before talking service. bad idea on their part...can't wait to see what happens...

Enjoyable chapter. I caught a typo: "cold wind slammed intot he room". The image of the witch and the demon is nicely creepy, and it's not often one sees the antagonist as at least a bit sympathetic, as I do here. Her deterioration is unique (and gross!) I was particularly struck by her teeth falling out.

My only complaint is that Im not sure about the world. The first chapter seemed to exist in a void, with indications of the stock mideval fantasy reality, but not much more. I'm not sure where you should fit it in, but I think this needs a bit more solid world-building in the background of the story. Or, put "Once u[on a time" at the beginning. Then the reader knows this isn't a world created by the author per se, it's the stock fairy tale one itself.

I too would like to know the source of the name Mon-Clarisse. It sounds French.

"He scrambled to stand beside his wife[comma] who clutched "

okay this is a long, detailed review. So for space's sake I'm going to send you a message with typos in it because they're so minor. The stuff in this review will be for content, not tiny technical stuff.
>”When Mon-Clarisse was born, she did not cry. She stared at the world with wide eyes and squirmed uneasily in the midwife's arms.”
This is a good opening because it startles you and catches you off-guard a little. Good job capturing interest.

>”When those who were waiting outside the bedroom door heard this sound of life…”
A suggestion: maybe instead of “sound”, “sign”?

>“It is honest proof that the old man was speaking only from wisdom and not from enchantment, because he guessed that the couple's child would be male. “
This is a little awkward. I would say “The old man was speaking from wisdom, not from enchantment, because he predicted that the child would be male.” I’m not sure what the intent was with “honest proof” but it sounds fine to me when you leave it out.

>”The child was born in the early morning, at a time when the moon has set but the sun has yet to rise. Stars winked out in the soft purple haze of morning as Mon-Clarisse drew her first breath of life. “
Beautiful description. I especially like “when the moon has set but the sun has yet to rise”. It gives it a folklorish, poetic feel that really fits the story. However, I would say “at the time when”, instead of “at a time when”. “Stars winked out in the soft purple haze of morning” is also good.

>”But one day, the storm rolled in. Dark, grey, angry clouds that pelted the earth with powerful winds, driving rain, and ever enlarging hail descended upong the lake and its village and never left. The plants died, the rich soil turned to moldy bogs, and one by one the villagers left.”
I would take out “ever-enlarging”. You could say “pounded” “destroyed” or “annihilated” instead of “descended upon” to show how large the hail is. I would also say “the rich farmlands turned into (fetid, putrid, moldering, or stagnant) bogs” instead of “soil”, just because bogs is plural.

>”The young couple had ridden to this desolate place with a few of their attendants. The horses stopped a mile from the shore and would go no further. The small party trudged onwards on foot, through the rain and the wind. Their feet sucked to the muddy ground and their clothes held fast to them with an icy grip.”
You need to vary your sentences a little here. They all start similarly and are similarly constructed. Make some compound or complex, start them with clauses or adverbs or something. You know the drill.

>”Tied to a dock protruding from the shore bobbed two boats as if they had been waiting.”
I would say “Two boats tied to a dock bobbed as though they had been waiting.”

>”Lanterns struggling through the mist and fog, the boats drifted silently through the choppy waters as if they were smooth as glass. Not long after they set sail, the murky form of dead, rotting trees dripping with spanish moss emerged out of the stormy grey. Sounds of unknown creatures echoed against the leafless brances that creaked and slammed against each other in the violence of the storm.”
Really good description. I like the “murky forms of dead, rotting trees” (though I would take out “dead”, it’s a little repetitive) and “emerged out of the stormy grey”, and the “leafless branches slammed against each other in the violence of the storm.” Maybe “unseen” instead of “unknown” creatures.

>”The boats slid up the bank. The young couple and their companions staggered forth. They huddled closer together, hardly speaking but pressing onward. The young, beautiful wife gazed about her with an odd expression - not fear, but certain defensive. The husband was half in front of her, one hand on his lantern, the other on his sword.”
Again, maybe a little sentence variation.

>”A deep woman's voice called from within the bowels of the tree, ‘Put out the lights.’“
Tiny problem… “deep woman’s voice”? I thought of a deep, manly voice. Is that what you were going for? Or just husky, or echoing, or powerful?

>The stairs finally ended in damp stone flooring.….From it a dim light cast long shadows around the room.
Vary your sentences in this paragraph.

>”Her long dark gown slid against the floor behind her like a shadow.”
Really good simile. Great image.

>”The young hopeful woman took the cup and drank it with a smile. It smelled like earth and tasted like honeyed tea tinged with a something metallic. Everyone looked at her with anticipation, as if some immediate change should be visible.”
Vary sentences for impact here. Also, I would say “the young woman took the cup and drank it with a hopeful smile.”

>”Nothing but the sound of dripping water and booming thunder could be heard as the party held their breath and waited impatiently for her to continue.”
“Could be heard/seen/etc.” is a phrase to be avoided because it’s usually passive and normally you want to be active. Try rewording if possible

>”it would burn the flesh off of your entire arm if you but laid one finger on it."
Well-worded, really fits voice and character, and makes an impact.

>”Lord Ayorin could barely hide the apprehension and disbelief in his voice, "You want me to bring you a soul?"
Maybe “in his voice when he said, “You want me to bring you a soul?”

>"You want a child's soul," Lady Ayorin said with disdain, her face twisting with disgust.
Either she should say it with disdain, or her face should twist in disgust. This way it’s a little repetitive

>"Not just a child but a baby," the sorceress said. "Your baby."
I think worded this way it would be less awkward: “Not just a child: a baby.” the sorceress said. “Your baby.”

>"Absolutely not!" The husband cried again. "You will have no part, no matter how small, of our child's soul!'
Fits husband’s character very well, very dramatic and well-worded.

>"That is my price." The woman said coldly and impassively. "Your wife has already drank my elixir. To not pay would be to steal, and then I would have every right to the child's entire life, as that is what I have given to you. You're stealing her life from me if you do not give me half of her soul. It's a small price when you view it in reality of the situation."
Either “coldly” or “impassively”—they both mean close to the same thing. “drank” should be “drunk”. And I think “in the reality of the situation” would be better worded as “when you view it in context.”

>"That is my price," she stated again. "I will be ther eon the child's birthday to collect the half of the soul that is mine."
Maybe “On the child’s birthday I will collect the half that is mine.”

P.S.--how did you come up with the name mon-clarisse?

excitement!

I love your description of Moren and her fight to get MonClarisse. I can really see what's going on. I only have a few suggestions. I think I saw a typo in there somewhere, but i can't find it so...

I really don't know anything about having a baby, but I think that having Lady Ayorin walking and making herself presentable right after giving birth is a little farfetched. Afterall, when my sister had her babies she was out of commission for a week. Then again, she had twins. But that is something to think about.

Maybe you could have someone help her out of bed or something, but i would think she would be too tired to do anything.

'Words began to emerge from the scream, as well as booming steps. Cries of rage and hatred tore themselves out of a woman's throat.' I'm a little confused. Is Moren screaming here or the baby?

If there are wizards present, why did no one cast a spell to stop Moren's entrance? Is it that she is too strong? Are they in shock?

Shouldn't the parents be openly upset at Moren's curse? I think that I would scream and cry and rage if it were my kid who had just been cursed, but i'm just being picky now! I like this chapter and it really flows with the pace you have set.

Can't wait until the next installment!

Frightfully Unaware

Alright. I read this chapter with relative ease. Let me break it down for you. You're characters are just beginning to peak out of the little hovels that most written characters live in. Characterization is REALLY important, so you should know everything about each character from favorite color to final cataclismic destiny. As of now i like your characters, and i hope to see the father and mother more in depth later as well as a mention of their comrads.

However, the three other people seem to be in the background. Who are they? How long have they known the couple? Are they recieving a reward for their help or are they just good friends with the couple. All of this needs to be taken into consideration.

Next, i like the plot. THe plot is more than decent, espeacially on this site when people just write things without consideration to the rising and falling action. My only advice is: Don't loose the plot. you can change it, but don't forget about it. I like to write notes about my stories if that helps any, cause im forgetful.

Moving on, your sentences, espeacially around the beginning of the flashback are a litte hard to follow, but your descriptions are great. I like your analogies. Those are good. Maybe synonymes would liven things up, but don't over use them because then you will sound stuffy.

I have no idea what world you are trying to create yet, but if it is indeed an alternate world from earth it needs it's own history and time line, culture, languages, form of government, and even laws. As an example, outlawing one simple thing like speaking the word Jellyfish (although that would only be comical) has a great impact on your story.

Finally, when you write, write for yourself. So what if no one else likes it. If you love to write, then that's all that matters. Pleasing people only hurts you and your story. It is more about passion and conviction and originality than the ideals of the masses.

I hope to read more, and I look forward to your next update! Hang in there

Frightfully Unaware

{Because you asked so nicely and seriously, I'll put this on my alerts and see what I can do for you. If you could review "Fireside", or whatever else is recent and catches your attention, that'd be great.}

"for proof against evil" is a bit confusing. The old man's words somehow prevent evil? Or do the parents simply take knowledge from them?

"when the moon has set but the sun has yet to rise." I suggest that you put this phrase in past tense so it matches the rest.

"earning their living [b]y working"

The descriptions of the dark island are quite good.

"not fear, but certain defensive." Howabout 'not fear, but defensiveness'?

"the faint light from the one flash" I'd be rid of the word "the" here.

Although I'm nitpicking your words, there's nothing seriously wrong with this story. It's unique, and although the time-frame jumps around, you handle it well. The world is evoked well without many overarching details, but instead with small ones about the family and their travels. There are elements of classic tales (the crystal ball, the cursed child), but they're nicely remixed. Did you draw your inspiration from any particular tale?

Watch typos; "bookcasessurrounding", "Lady Ayorin aas well". "

"Plant roots and herbs mostly, with a few vials of strange liquid." Attach this to the previous sentence or something so that it isn't a fragment.

"finest frailty" is excellent. The witch is creepy...well do you convey the weight of a magical transaction. This story has suspence...it doesn't rush. Very good.

"each is so potent, it would burn the flesh off of your entire arm if you but laid one finger on it."" I don't like this description. Keep it if it's important to you, but comparing a soul to a physical power seems to downplay the soul. A decent-sized radioactive rock could burn the flesh off an arm too...I just think something with a little more push, a little more power, could go here.

Ah, the lesson about magic always having a price. It did for the witch, and so it does for the Ayorins. Good.

"be ther eon the child's birthday" Ah, another concept out of 'Sleeping Beauty' or somesuch. Good. I say that these are good and not repetitive because you seem to draw from old sources, and reworking old tales, or giving the new the feel of the old, is good.

"a flash of light blilnded them."