Reviews for Paper Fireworks - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Paper Fireworks - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

amandaj2351 2008-07-28 ch 2,	I loved Shannon's comparison of Peter to the beach! Another great chapter!
amandaj2351 2008-07-28 ch 1,	This is an amazing first chapter! The writing style is beautiful and the imagery great. I'm very curious about peter so I'll keep reading. I love the italicized lines, the poem, it was really great. This is so good! I found this story in a forum, if you could stop by my page and check out any of my stories it would be great!
Fractured Illusion 2008-07-18 ch 2,	Me again. Spelling: "At first I he looks like" Well, I think either cut out "I" or add "think" after "I". "My attention flicks back to the dark figure" This dark figure wasn't mentioned before, so it can't be "the", it's "a" dark figure the first time it's introduced. Later on it can be "the", however :p "Water burns at it’s deadliest." its. You wrote "it is" :p "But your parents could swim; what difference would it make?" I may have misinterpreted but here we go: Shouldn't there be a "if" after "but"? Because it seems to speak of hypothetical scenarios... Writing: "But a partial truth is still a lie. " Nice line :D I don't necessarily agree. You don't really lie, you just knowingly leave out a lot of stuff. Which is not lying :p But that is a philosophical standpoint almost haha. "I look up to check if the skies feel opinionated today," Awesome line. Clouds being opinionated really paints the picture well. Clever and not at all forced. "The wind always blows to remind you that you have a potentially emo haircut" I don't get this. How is getting hair in your face similair to emo hair cut? Everyone gets hair in their face when the wind blows unless they have it tidy somehow... O_o You write a lot of "It's like you're [doing this and that]". Because you write with a "you're" rather than "I'm", it gets less personal and the distance between the reader and the character increase. I don't know if it's intentional or not, and you can keep it if you want. I will still suggest to cut loose a few of them at least :p Too much distance ain't good ^^; I like the part when MC2 Shannon starts asking herself (or the reader?) a lot of questions. "It will pass, won't it?" makes it seem like she's almost desperate and helpless. "if I didn’t know any better, I’d say he looked like the beach itself." Nice description ^^; Really paints a picture. He's a surf guy in my mind now, haha :p Well, he IS at the beach and he looks like it. Natural conclusion. Oh me gosh it was PETER! "He shouts something back, but the wind swoops in and snatches it away." I like this line too :D Nice description yet again. Or rather, metaphor. But still ^^ Characters: So they have started to interact now! And both seem to have a dead mother yes? So far, what I feel about the characters is that...they both seem to be very absent minded, off in their own heads (not good for a life guard ^^; But at least she seems to be observing meanwhile). So far I also think their chemistry will work out. Neither has seemed to show any dislike to a certain type of person, and both have similar pain. Then again, I have only seen so little of them... I liked Shannon a lot faster than I liked Peter in the first chapter. She materialized into a person quicker, you know? I also think this chapter had less with the adverbs which may have contributed ^^; The part about the desperation and helplessness I mentioned earlier was also effective to get me to like her. Weak moments are interesting to read. Don't really have any requests of what I'd like to see. Just keep going at it they way you want to because it seems pretty natural and non-cliché that way. ^^ Dialog: It gave less the impact for it was not of the same philosophical nature, but that doesn't mean I didn't like it. It was a natural conversation showing the tension between her and her brother. I assume it is her brother anyway. It wasn't clearly stated if I remember... 's gonna be interesting to see how Peter and Shannon meet up again. And how on earth did he fall down like that? O_o Frac
Fractured Illusion 2008-07-17 ch 1,	Review Game! :D Other: A random comment about your summary. I suggest taking away the little smiley at the end, because up until that point, the summary was taking itself seriously and all. And adding the smiley just gives confusion and detracts the seriousness I thought you aimed to accomplish. Ah, now onto the chapter! Writing: "as she cradled her boat, candle tucked safely in its paper deck, clasped close to her heart" Okay, I am horribly confused about this.. Is the boat or the candle/paper deck clasped close to her heart? Is the boat the candle? "as we neared the shore, surrounded by miles of ocean" If they are near the shore, they can't be completely surrounded by miles of ocean. More like, miles of ocean behind them, and in front of them: mainland. "But mom adored Shakespeare. And I’d light the whole damn Olympic coliseum if it could bring her home." Very touching line. You keep it simple here, and are able to express a strong emotion that feels authentic. Often times, in your writing, you add adverbs into most of your sentences. Don't. I did too at first (maybe I still do D:) but adverbs are really not your friend, mister/missy! They kill the pace and water out the description. It lessen the impact. Also. Notice how the sentence I particularly liked had no adverb? :p Yeah, I just noticed that too. Oh, and I enjoyed this line too: "I felt like a hermit crab forced out of its shell." I am always one for metaphors and all its relatives "unnaturally manly" How can a hand be unnaturally manly? It'd be better if you explained that, because it just confuses me a whole lot as it is. Is it big? Hairy? Dirty? What? Dialog: This was the strongest part of the piece, I believe. It wasn't bland, no far from! It kept me interested, and it felt authentic too. "“Well, honestly, if I was a spirit, I’d fly.”" I liked that part a lot. I liked how you portrayed their personalities and such through the dialog. That's good: Show don't tell. Keep that up! One negative remark: you only use "said" synonyms. It's not really good. When you say "he finally relented", you are just repeating what the dialog just showed. Having "said" is better because it just floats into the background and lets the dialog itself do the job (which it should). And since your dialog CAN do the job, I suggest you let it :) Characters: I was pretty apathetic to our main character until his lovely devotion to his mother began to show. It made him feel more human. Before there was nothing that really made him so; he just mused and that was that. The dialog also made me like the MC (main character). Chief is pretty awesome, too. He's got the tough but gentle vibe going on, and I think you pull that off well. He's sympathetic :) "My mom used to get seasick, so I knew she wouldn’t be anywhere near a boat." And THAT is why he has a balloon :D Aw. Cute ^^ Plot: I can't really make it out. It's a bit fuzzy. it seems present day (it even refered to McGuyver) but I know no place that has this kind of tradition. It will be interesting to see what you've pulled out ^^ So, it is far from obvious and cliché I tell you that. Enjoyment: I'd say, the adverbs are a real, true downer. They are everywhere so it really does bring down the enjoyment. Otherwise I have to say I liked it. particularly the second half, where he stopped musing about him and the girl and whatnot. Who was that girl btw? Either way, keep it up! Frac
Raythe 2008-07-17 ch 4,	Review Game! I found the dialog to be pretty natural. I liked the way they bantered (like in chapter one about the flying/swimming). Kept it interesting. Well, at first the writing threw me off because it was in present tense, and I'm used to reading in past tense. Either way, though, I found it fit with your fic. There are times when I'm like: hm. This is past tense, and I'm not sure it fits. Like: "Because I’m a goddamn coward who has moved from dragon country straight into the dragon’s mouth—" Ch. 2 I think in that instance you can just drop the 'has'. :D In terms of description! You come up with pictures and imagery that really show up in my head. XD I also like the way you italicize certain things and then as you narrate, there's a hyphen and then (for example) "...finally came to- Autumn" with the last word in italics. Anyway, I really enjoyed it. :D The presentation of it is really different, and the characters are personable. But, for me, the thing that really stuck out was the way it was written. The format really brought me to the scenes. ^^
addikted2musik 2008-07-17 ch 1,	Very beautifully written. I just read the first chapter. I'm going to read the rest.
Courtney 2008-06-27 ch 4,	The new chapter is just as brilliant as the other chapters! I love how sweet Shannon and Randy are to each other. I can't believe how heart-breaking that story is about the woman in the earthquake. Shannon is a great narrator! The way you word things is just amazing - you sound effortless, like a professional! As usual, I thought it was funny, clever, well-written and generally awesome. And when I finished reading, I really wanted to read more! Please write more quickly for me! :D
(: 2008-06-17 ch 4,	Ye, Laura! I already sent you a review of this chapter, but I absolutely adore it to bits and pieces! You're so brilliantly talented! I'm positively hungry for more!
Courtney 2008-06-12 ch 3,	Ar! I really, really love this! Rereading the first two chapters reminded me of how much I liked them the first time I read them, and the third chapter is even better! I think I'm in love with Peter. And your writing is so amazing! I am reduced to dumbfounded, drooling awe (and envy). I love your dialogue, and some of this was so hilarious (Hump a prostitute! And "Where'd you get that?") Overall it was really funny and insightful and I LOVE it. I want to hear more from Shannon now! Actually, I want more from Peter, too. Just write more ASAP! :D
Kyouri [Sauce] 2008-06-06 ch 3,	Third chapter was simply breath taking. Your details were piercing and I was able to create a perfect image as I read. Your skills in writing are very refined; in 5 months you made such an improvement and even back then you created high standards. I'm interested to read more =]
anonymous 2008-06-01 ch 3,	haha grapefruits ARE bittersweet! Good use of figurative language, very smooth and catchy and sweet throughout.
anon! 2008-05-25 ch 2,	Wowaweewa!I loved the metaphorical useage and the references to Shakespeare (Macbeth is my favourite)and I truly enjoyed the consistent oceanic imagery; for instance, the hermit crab's insecurity and devastation when there comes a rush of reality. On a more human level, I simply adored it. No, but really the imagery was awesome and the content was touching and sweet.
Rakhec III 2008-01-14 ch 1,	HAHAHAH! reading these reviews is so dang fun ^_^ Your Macbeth tidbits are popular! hehehe that seems to be what everyone wants to review about XD I agree with Courtney, there IS some Caulfield influences there... and your imagery is BREATHTAKING!! And I think i.luv.pumpkin.pie thinks we're like, sitting side by side as we write (or that we have telepathy? I dunno XD) But she brings up good points. But anyway, I'm so jealous of your writing I could photosynthesize >:D On another note... I can't find the missing chunk!! I don't think I saved it...and I can't really remember how it went down! T.T Do you want me to rewrite it or do you just wanna start your reply?
Jeanette 2008-01-14 ch 1,	woah! ... all i can think of to say lol i loved the part when he was debating with the man saying how spirits can float anywhere.
i.luuuv.pumpkin.pie 2008-01-13 ch 2,	HOLY SMOKES NADIA! This is amazing so far. Haha..I'll try and make my review pretty structured. Overall: perfect grammar of course...haha..no surprise there. I also enjoy the story (which is a big plus). I'll explain it like this: two writers want to revise iono...a story...but it's the same story. One author writes it out just like any other...but then the other author, writes it with iono..some oomph. YOU'RE THAT WRITER!(Haha..iono if that made sense). Hmm...i suppose it's better compared to two pianists...they're given the same piece to play, but one of them plays with passion. THERE! THAT's IT!...Haha...what i meant by oomph is like..passion-there's passion and feeling and iono..giftedness woven into this story. I suppose that's what differentiates between a good story and a bad one. It makes it a very compelling read. (Haha...unlike Paolini..ucky). Chapter One: (phew..hope the above there wasn' to excessive...haha..well, it prolly was..but too bad!) I enjoyed how you pulled Macbeth into Chapter One. Did you find the lines and then write the story? Or did you write it first and then you were like...hey...these macbeth lines harmonize perfectly with my story? Either way, I liked it. It adds to the mood of nostalgia and feeling of loss. The sentences flow beautifully as well. Only hit a couple of bumps. "Dead ball", "fascination in not knowing evolves (mebbe not evolve...perhaps a more negative-sounding word? connotation i mean..haha) into frustration", "the unnaturally manly [hand]", "removing seat from chair" the "by association" in: She loved that thing. Which, by association, meant she loved me. They sounded either a bit awkward, or the words didn't flow together. I also wasn't too sure on what the paper balloon was..or rather, how it worked. Is it what you refer to as the "unique contraption"? And are Jake and Peter related? Or perhaps really good friends? I kinda get that inkling that they have similar personalities or that they are one in the same. On Peter: I like him. Lol..is that a good review? I don't know what to say that doesn't sound cliche (not that peter is cliche but if i were to describe him, he would sound cliche...grr..this relates back to tok...haha..there's a tok quote that says, how strangely do we diminish a thing as soon as we try and express it in words). but peter is a captivating character in the notion that i feel like im acquainted with him and that he has a very open personality but despite this (and even despite the fact that this chapter is thru peter's eyes), i don't know him. like there's something from the past that's haunting him. so this also makes you want to find out more, reach out to him, and then help him. but another pull to him is that he seems that he doesn't want people to help him. like when jake asked if he was feeling out of place, he lies and says no. but i mean like..WHY. haha...overall, peter is a very real character. he could even be walking in our school halls. CHAPTER TWO! (finally!..haha...still with me?) aww..no more macbeth? hehe..it's okay. anyhoos tho...i'd like a transition thingy majiggy bobber. I got kinda confused. And whose Randall? Or will we find out later? On to the good stuff tho! i like the winds! Great description with ur use of personification and similies. As i was reading the description of the winds, i felt like i could feel them, the wind screaming and gasping. On Shannon: Yay! her personality is different from peter's! if i were a writer, i'd find it difficult to develop the personalities of two different characters (omg..if i got three, i'd go nuts xP). Even the way she describes things is different. Her style is more layback and freestyle than peter's but at the same time, she's harboring a pain inside-but as a reader im still not too sure what's going. As a result...MORE MYSTERY! which equals...MORE INTEREST! Overall, i thoroughly enjoyed your story. you definitely have to write more. With regards to the two chapters together, I like how you ended the both of them-with a collision that could change their lives. haha...i believe in the first chapter there was something about collisions as well. haha..tagline for this beautiful piece of fiction: collisions can change lives (blah..or something like that) xD

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