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| Esther Jade 2008-03-02 ch 1,  | abuseMinor issues: I thought the first paragraph provided a good hook and drew the reader straight in. I liked the way you went straight into action - my personal opinion is that it draws the reader more quickly into the story. I did find that it was quite difficult to get a handle on Steve - he felt a like a bit of a typical gangster. Mind you, the chapter is quite short. Minor issues: It's better than being roused by the incessant banging of a battering ram on your door, but most things are. - funny! beer stained - I think that should be hyphenated. only all business when, well, there was business to take care of - The juxtaposition of "only" and "all" right next to each other feels a bit awkward. Alex always ran like clockwork. - I find this image a bit awkward. Normally events run like clockwork; not people. I asked, voice straining - I find the description of his voice as straining a bit awkward. Those freaks hadn't been that brave since the church burnings and Justin was a favourite of the boss, targeting him was a sure way to bring retribution. - There feels like there should be an "as" before Justin. right, it ain't what he's doing there - That should be a capital "r". conversation had time to turn away from battle plans and towards a more general view of the near future. - I get the impression that you're going for an ironic tone here but I am not sure if your phrasing quite pulls it off. a professionally paranoid eye - I like this description. 2 bodies - It's always best, if starting a sentence with a number, to spell the number out and it's usually better to spell out any number below ten. Justin however - There should be commas before and after "however". On the way out I could hear Alex speaking over the phone. - There should be a comma after "out". |
| Hartman Keeley 2008-01-12 ch 1, | abuseVery nice, I really enjoyed this story. The dark/casual feel is pulled off well. I hope you will be continuing it. Also, I would appreciate it if you could read and review my story, Stealing America. Thanks. |