Reviews for Hidden - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Hidden

Emakoke 2008-06-18 ch 4,	abuse"Why most there be more than one of you" - typo, should be "must" I like the memory at the beginning. It's good to know more about their past. I got a bit confused when you suddenly mentioned "Tom" because you made it sound like we already knew who he was. If you put "This kid I used to know called Tom" or something like that it would be less confusing. The scene with Tom asking her out was cute...it felt realistic too. I felt the awkwardness! Was Noah jealous of Tom? Aw. "You met he was" - typo, should be "bet" I agree with the alcohol thing. I don't get why people are so obsessed with getting drunk all the time at college. I will want to remember it all and not have hangovers half the time. =/ I like Gaby. She's got a strong personality. "he likes to hang with us sine we make her laugh" - typo, should be "since" Eurgh, Noah, what a jerk! I bet he just did it because he wanted the other guys to leave Sophie alone though. Because he loves her. :D I wonder what's going on between him and Sara? Update soon!
theslykit 2008-06-12 ch 1,	abuseIt's Addams family by the way
darkgurl92 2008-06-11 ch 4,	abuseaww.i bet he liked her...update soon
antipop 2008-06-11 ch 4,	abuseThat was awesome, please update soon!
Emakoke 2008-03-07 ch 3,	abuseHey! This was a really good chapter. The best one so far, I'd say. It just seemed to flow really well. I predicted that he was going to be listening in on the phone call when she said he had amazing eyes, but that's not a bad thing! I wanted to scream SHUT UP SOPHIE because I just knew he'd be listening but of course she was clueless...that's dramatic irony for you. ;) Just a few typos: “Of course, I’m sorry. I’ve been distracted of the late. “Please,” I answered, motioning to the empty seat across from me. - you put an extra speech mark before 'please' I don’t know the whole story, obviously,, but I think something is going to happen between you two - two commas there. I like Christine. She seems kind of calm and sensible to Sophie's hot-headedness so they make a good match. Anyway, update soon!
Emakoke 2008-03-01 ch 2,	abuseI'm back. =) "I saw his eyes widen in surprise as they met my horrified violet ones" - we know her eyes are violet, and I don't think you really need to repeat it. "He plays bassoon and I want to go jump out the window" - this made me laugh. Out of context it sounds like the ramblings of a crazy person. xD So we hear the guy's last name, but I think you leave it a little too long without telling us his first name. The tension between them is good. So long as they don't suddenly fall in love halfway through the story. I'm guessing there is going to be romance, so make it gradual! "If you never saw me again you’d never get to see this amazing body" oh gosh he's annoying. So annoying. >< "I said icily" - your dialogue is pretty strong and so we know just from what Sophie is saying that her voice is icy. That means you could afford to get rid of those little words like the "icily" there and leave more for the reader's imagination. "does that mean you have been thinking about my unmentionables" - he is making me want to reach into the screen and punch him! Do you speak Italian? So his name is Noah! I love that name. It's so cute. I always imagine someone called that to be all mild and sweet (I have no idea why), so it's weird seeing it given to someone so arrogant! Aw, twin bonding. =D "I had to read!" - I think is basically sums up what college is going to be like for me! Well, I have to go now, so my next review will be a little later. This was a good chapter, and I look forward to reading more!
Emakoke 2008-03-01 ch 1,	abuseA new story eh? I'm excited to see something new but I hope this doesn't mean you're abandoning your other one! So...it's cool to see a story set in college. I'm obsessed with the thought of college/uni at the moment, I just want to get out of school and go there! Great job with the characterisation. I instantly knew what Sophie was like just from the way she speaks to the reader. She seems like the sort of person I wouldn't get on with in real life...but I think it'll be interesting. Her spitfire personality is definitely going to cause some conflict later on in the story. Just make sure to steer her away from the old "fiery hair, fiery personality" cliche. "“Sophie, it’s five of.”" - I didn't get that line. I think it may be a typo? I like the fact that Sophie has a strong accent...it's annoying when a character has lived in a different country for a long time, yet their accent is perfectly normal. I'm guessing you are a musical person, from Sophie and your username. That's cool. I'm always really impressed by anyone who can play an instrument well. I attempt to be musical but fail because I'm too impatient to practise! "with so many intricate details that I just had to stop and gap at it" - should be "gape" "Christine giggled besides me" - should be "beside" I name instruments too. In fact, I name all inam=nimate objects. But I'm not weird, honest... Nice ending. I look forward to reading more. But right now I need a cup of tea because us English people shrivel up and die if we don't have one every hour. =P Expect another review soon! And thanks for all your reviews on my story. ^^
darkgurl92 2008-02-10 ch 3,	abusehuh...what happened freshmen year...updates
animefreakgirl 2008-02-09 ch 3,	abuseHm...very interesting. I'll be looking forward to your next chapter. :)
darkgurl92 2008-01-21 ch 2,	abuseupdate soon..
misery sister 2008-01-12 ch 1,	abuseYou have a very easy going writing style. The story is very well written, but it's beginning is very... well, overused. The main character introduces herself, and practically describes her physical appearance. Try to incorporate the physical appearances of your characters through his/her actions, rather than making one entire paragraph set on it. It's kind of tacky. So far, Sophie doesn't seem very likeable. I mean, she does have likeable traits, but in a whole, she doesn't. She seems like she's showing off a bit too much - but I think that's only because of the particular way you're incorporating her family history into the story - by making her describe it. You say that she speaks Italian a lot, instead of telling us that she speaks Italian all the time with her sister, you could have used a bit of Italian in the first lines of dialogue in your story (which was with her sister, right?). Show, don't tell. Here, good example: [“Oh, where are you from?” I asked. “Virginia. I live near Williamsburg,” she said.] This is a good example of using dialogue to tell the background history of your characters, rather than your character explaining it his/herself in one pargaraph. You do have a great writing style, just a little tweaking may help. Good luck! :D
animefreakgirl 2008-01-12 ch 1,	abuseNot bad, I'm looking forward to your next chapter. Keep writing this story it seems interesting. Keep it up. :)

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