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| Moncouerest 2008-03-26 ch 1,  | abuseReview Game! this is a great start, I read that you recently rewrote it and I can't say how the first version was but you did a good job on the second. It pulls me in. And really there isn't much I can see to criticize, I did find this grammatical error, "He was the same age and Gabe but with a perpetual bored looked on his face." -- I assume he's the same age as gabe. the only other thing I noticed was that when Gabe calls Seraphina, Sarah, i asume it's a nickname or something, but if it's just a shorter way of saying, "seraphina" I would go with 'Sera' instead. Other than that it's quite good, keep up the good work. |
| Crazy Black Man340 2008-02-07 ch 1, | abuseHey, long time no hear, right? Lol. Well, I'm really digging this story. Very well written, and attention grabbing. I'm liking the details you put in. It's the right amount; not too much, not too little. Still trying to figure out which characters act like what, but I'm sure they'll develop in time. Good luck, and keep writing. |