Interesting... The whole thing has a flow to it. You use the dialog in a very useful manner. But you could also be helped if you described the setting, the atmosphere and that kind of stuff.

THAT IS REALLY, REALLY GOOD
..but there are some things that..don't make a wholelotta sense. Like that Elysee (however u spell her name...i tink its elsye, but wutever). She had never seen Ren before and she immediately invited Ren to her house--to sleep over! That's kinda...a bit disturbing. But overall, i really look forward to wut happens next and wut happens between chan and ren...:D

I love it jane keep up the good work. BTW do u know what yoon might like for a present?

OHMYGOD HI JANE
WAT A GOOD FIRST CHAPTER
I WUV U!
sum constructive criticism:
the story's a little...not really like a good story that catches my attention (NO OFFENSE!) try to add more of those "vivid verbs" and good adjectives

This is a great story, it keeps your atention!

Good job! Its a story i can really get into! By the way, how do you pronounce 'Kya', sorry I just have a thing to where i like to pronounce stuff right...keep the good work up!