WE! IM IN HERE.

WITH MY BLUE HAIR.


D: Oh **. Crazy threats and stuffs

I'll review each chapter again, right now im just kind of skimming. Cause i need to re-read this story.

Again, you have some problems with dialogue, but other than that it's pretty good still. One small note from me that I think may just be a personal thing is 'made a small smile' just sounds odd to me. I don't really think that people 'make' smiles. Perhaps you could change it to 'I flashed a small smile' or 'A small smile crossed my face' - Something to that effect.

You know, I think you're doing really well at building suspense here. A huge part of writing is all about secrets and Dreaming seems to be full of secrets and mysteries. Also, your characterisation of Kiyoko and Jim is spot on so far. Rinji too.

Okay, will continue to read now.

This is really good. Nice plot, a bit of a mystery, good narrative flow, nice characters etc.

One thing, though, you're doing dialogue a little incorrectly. Like this:
'“Too bad, so sad.” I replied'
Should be:
'"Too bad, so sad," I replied.

If there's a speech tag after a piece of dialogue, eg said, replied, exclaimed, shouted etc then you use a comma after the dialogue instead of a period. Make sense?

Anyway, very nice work. I shall be back to read more soon :D

-Ink-

yay! =D
I love this chapter! >w<
you should become like a writer or something! *o*
I want to know what happens with the phone! >.<
I'll try and wait PATIENTLY for the next chapter! =3
and keep up the awesome work!

Continue please!! I just started to read it and suddenly I loved it!! Oh and if you don't know who I am, it's starxkawaii's cousin. ^^ She said this story was great and I just had to read it. Keep up the great work!!

Omg. I absolutely love it. Update ASAP, please!

Ah! Short Chapter!! D< -kills you- Ah, nevermind if I kill you then you can't continue the story. ^^ -revives you from the dead- Next chapter! Next chapter!! i CAN'T WAIT!! ^^ Tee Hee.

-starx

yeah...they kissed...updates soon

Aw, rinji and kiyoko r so cute! they are gunna kiss, right?
cute story so far...well besides the rapin' assault part.
Update soon! ^^

This story thus far [up to chapter 4 right now] Is really good. This stuff has a nice realistic touch to it that either I can relate to or one if my friends definitely could relate to. I love the characters and the tension between them. Jim reminds me of the guy I know that pretty much pulled off the same crap that he did. I really like it ^.^ 3 I mean 2 thumbs up.. No I meant 3

omg...hopefully..rinji is not hurt...omg...
how sad..update soon..

YOU MUST NOT KILL RINJI! Or I'll kill you! D< Anyways I can't wait for the next chapter! Hurry! Hurry!

-starx

OMG! Loved this chapter so much. ^^ It makes me feel all bubbly inside! Keep up the good work! And you better not ditch the story or else I'll smack you back with your own rubber chicken! ^.<

-starx

aw...i like Rinji...he's so nice...and cute..update soon..

nvm about jim...he's jux an a$$...omg...
update soon..