Reviews for My Fake Heart Disastrous!

Laura Barton
2008-02-15
ch 1,

abuseYay, new Fake Heart. ^^ First I offer my apologies for taking so long to get to it, but I haven't given up on reading it. Just haven't had much time.

Looks to be off to a good start and I like the addition of new characters. The old ones are all fine and dandy, but always good to mix it up. Besides, that's the way it goes in real life.

I also love the "I feel pretty" scene. XD That song has so many funny references and this of course just adds to them. I'd definitely stop and stare (then probably point and laugh) if I even saw anything like that. That, or maybe I'd get up the nerve to sing along.

Just caught a few things as I was reading.

No one comes to the movies hardly because of the special prices at the skating rink. - This sentence was awkward to me, and while it could be passed off as being the way the character speaks, throughout the rest, Leo doesn't seem to have this kind of awkwardness to his narrating. Instead, I would word it "Hardly anyone comes to the movies because (et cetera, et cetera)."

"Well, Dad split a lont time ago, it's just been my mom, my sister and I since I was about nine." - Little typo here. "Lont" should be "long".

"D'you wanna sit down? The road's still kinda warm still." - This one was awkward with the repetition of "still". Maybe that's how Jason speaks, though. I don't know that we know him well enough to see all his quirks of speech and those kinds of things.

"Oh. Well, see ya. I think I'll stay and watch the stars for a bit," he said, laying ack and directing his attention to the skies above us. Maybe I'll be brave enough to stay and stargaze with him next time I thought as I glanced upwards and headed back inside. - Two things with this one, one of which will be more difficult to see than the other since we can't italicize in comments (I wish we could...). The first is a typo, as you're missing the "b" in "back". The second thing is I'd suggest separating Leo's thoughts from Jason's speech.

Zach had seemed subdues at school today, opting to walk himself to class when we had to part himself. - Rather than "subdues" it should be "subdued" and then the latter part of the sentence is awkward. I would remove the second "himself."

I look forward to the next chapter. ^^

endo.schism
2008-01-14
ch 1,

abuse:O *gasps* Trouble in paradise? Oh noes!

I like this installment, I've always been a sucker for cute flirty boys :]

I laughed at the 'standard straight guy nod' bit. :P

I'mma looking forwrad to the next chapter, and I'll leave a better review next time, I swear!

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