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Reviews For: Banded - Reviews: Page 1 of 3

R.M.Whitaker 2008-07-25 ch 23,	abuseYou did it!
R.M.Whitaker 2008-04-19 ch 22,	abuseAha! Interesting turn of events here! Now you'll HAVE to reveal Misco's story soon because there's no way he can keep it from those princes for long. Mwahahahahaha!
R.M.Whitaker 2008-03-27 ch 21,	abuseI didn't think anything was wrong with this chapter! In fact, I think it was a cut above the rest! Not that the others weren't good, but this one somehow seemed even better! I'm not sure why... it just seemed to flow better. And maybe all the mystery had something to do with it. It was very gripping. You wrote the dream very, very well. You've also awoken an interest in the kittens again. Over the past few chapters they kind of just became part of the scenery in the group, if that makes any sense. Now they're mysterious again. Can't wait for more!
Harmonic Discord 2008-03-17 ch 12,	abuseWince Adughkp?! If you're going to include names like that, you have GOT to include a pronunciation key :) For all he knew(,) they were receiving commendations, though what for, he couldn't say. I like the dialogue between Adughkp and Aome... amusing. Ah, so that's what Lytonan and T.T. are up to! I love it. "Welcome, sir knights..." I think this paragraph needs to be broken down. The King speaks in the same paragraph as the blue-haired man, which is a little odd. Adughkp saluted and bowed smartly(.) Alrich's temper wasn't all that long. --Oops, I'm a little confused. Who was Alrich, again? ... oh, right. The knight who pushed around the elflings. "Would you shut up(?)" (h)e said tensely. Adughkp smiled, but wasn't sure if he'd choose a word as innocent as 'interesting'. -- Nice. I have to say, I enjoyed this chapter. Amusing, decent flow, things seem to be speeding up action-wise. Your characterizations are generally decent, although Aome and Adughkp strike me as a little too similar, personality-wise, unlike T.T. (do you mind if I call him that?) and Lytonan, who were easier to distinguish. It might not be too much of a problem unless Aome and Adughkp are going to become major characters later...
Harmonic Discord 2008-03-17 ch 11,	abuseEk! So very sorry! I seem to have made a habit of falling off the face of the earth lately! Self-consciously(,) he reached up and pulled his hat lower on his head. He'd worn a hat ever since the end of his first mo(n)th of training. I like Lytonan's internal dialogue. I wonder if it might make it a little clearer if you actually put each... 'personality', let's call them... on a separate line. I know it would make the story longer, but it would probably be a whole lot easier to read. "Finally(,)" he said with a sigh, falling onto the cozy cushions. "That strung(-)up knight is going to pay." He heard Tokala Tyrone walking around, but (he) sounded calm and unhurried. "Alright, alright!" -- All right. Two words. Nice characterizations of the two new characters. My only criticism is that at first Tokala Tyrone seems almost violent, whereas toward the end he seems more mischievous and playful, which struck me as just a little contradictory. Ah, a cliffhanger! Shame on you! Now I HAVE to read on! ;)
R.M.Whitaker 2008-03-05 ch 20,	abuseCongratulations; you done good! Aneilos' character is unfolding nicely and Lytonan is adorable and I thought this was a good way to get to know each of the characters better- having the Sprite ask questions! Good work!
R.M.Whitaker 2008-02-21 ch 19,	abuseI'm tearing my hair out here! I've pretty much decided that Misco is the son of Pryos and Randallet, but I'm BURNING with curiosity as to why he would have to pretend to be a servant and all that other stuff! Poor, weak little Emretel. He's like a marshmallow pudding, that boy. More! More! I want more!
R.M.Whitaker 2008-02-21 ch 18,	abuseO! I really liked this chapter! I was quite surprised at how enjoyable it was, since you mad it seem like a boring filler chapter when you talked about it. I think anythying with Lytonan will be good, though. I liked his story and his moment with the kitten, and I think Tokala Tyrone was seriously getting a little jealous there at the end! Ha! Serves the jerk right, ha ha.
sarenelsoria 2008-02-20 ch 1,	abuseWhen another charictor is speaking have them have their own paragraph otherwise it gets hard to understand.
sarenelsoria 2008-02-20 ch 2,	abuseAlright, the discriptions are okay but don't throw them in all at once. let it flow, as it is it seems forced, don't think of the end product but how you will get there. Great stories are made from not consentrating on the ending but on the beginning. If you have an outline fair enough but make it flow not start and stop. Also I was confused at the start of the story the Prolog was good but I couldn't help wonder who was talking wether it was in third first or second person. I realized only after reading it through that it was supposed to be like a text book. Good idea but put something like an excerpt from the history of Mirtenak. Natural is best just remember that.
Harmonic Discord 2008-02-15 ch 10,	abuseOf course with something as dull has work, there was no telling how long it would last. -- "as" I was one of those long days for Pryos, when proof of progress was slow to manifest. -- "It" I like the prison-turnkey metaphor. "He could see the people chatting and haggling in the market, and suddenly the reports he's received about more frequent attacks from the fairies become more frightening." -- "he'd" Nice exchange between Iocenase and Pryos. It's light and humorous, but with an undercurrent of anxiety. I love reading friendly banter. Especially this part: " What a traitorous thing to say. I should have you decapitated." "It would end my suffering." "Or make it eternal." "Iocenase stared at him for a moment then it burst out." -- two sentences. "I'm convinced that I will be gray before I turn twenty-five with the rate I'm going at!" -- At the rate I'm going...? "Pryos cocked his head, then leaved over and pulled Iocenase's head down." -- leaned, and overuse of head. You use the word 'while' at least 3 times in the paragraph beginning "Their family gardens..." Other than that, I enjoyed your descriptions. He felt very calm and peaceful, a state he rarely attained, but for which he longed constantly. -- Now, I know I'm going to be a hypocrite for saying this, but I wonder if you could use more of a "show-not-tell" premise as opposed to stating his emotions outright. Or if you want to meet it halfway, you could say something like: "A tranquil serenity washed over his limbs" as opposed to "he felt very calm and peaceful." I think straight-out "he felt" descriptions sound less polished. Just a suggestion. He met her when one f his cousins had come to visit. -- of She was his cousin's best friend and had come to keep her company, but as soon as he caught site -- sight The "in another corner" paragraph sounds just a little choppy. I like this sentence - "Pryos could only smile, as it brought to mind images of his past when he and Randallet did just the same" but do you really need the description of his meeting with Randallet? If you do want to keep it in, I'd suggest giving a time context and maybe embellishing the details a bit. For example... "It was _ years ago when Pryos first laid eyes on her. He had not even known his visiting cousin had brought a friend until he glanced out his study window..." "Probably the same thing you are." --Probably the same thing that brought you here. "She wasn't just playing a shred role." - a what? I like this new fairy. Intelligent, peppy, keeps Pryos on his toes. A well-drawn character. "She seemed to notice a change as they made their way through the crowd, and the first few people bowed, because she slowed o walk beside him and spoke up. "--to "Hugh just stared at him for a moment, a head of lettuce in each hand." grins at the image Interesting... I am curious to know the identity of this fairy. I suppose it is going to remain a mystery... Just a thought - I don't know if people in a made-up kingdom would say "wow". Isn't that sort of an anachronism? "The bow flushed lowering his head." -- boy Oh geez, you really like big names, don't you? Actually, Tokala Tyrone is cool - AND alliterative. I think that will help. Alliteration is awesome. Hmm... elflings with green hair? That feels a little garish to me, but hey, it's your story. Overall, well done. We're finally getting some action, Pryos is proving himself to be intelligent (but as much of a slacker as ever), we're meeting new people... yay!
Harmonic Discord 2008-02-13 ch 9,	abuseAw, poor Misco. Smart boy. Giving thought to what he'd do if he were king, hm? Is this one of the important points you've concealed in the chapter? (Now you have me on the look-out!) (On another note, what is it with these fellows and wine? I had to laugh at the "Pryos stopped maturing at age fifteen" comment - he does seem a bit like some of the high school/college kids I know...) "Misco exchanged looks with Iocenase on his way back to his sock basket. Yeah always working." snicker I like how you're giving Misco some more development here. And I like how Pryos seems to have given him the socks so that he would have an excuse for listening to the conversation (is that right? That's the impression I got...) - And the usual: That was another o the king's demands, that he do his work in the study. -- of "Not everything can hand on friendship, Iocenase. -- "hand on"? Do you mean "hinge on"? Besides I believe one should support one's friends when you can and by doing so maintain peace as long as possible." -- either change all the "one"s to "you"s or change the "you" to a "one. It sounds inconsistent. He didn't get very far before the dilemma he seemed to always (run) into took over his (thought) process. Should we sen her wine?" -- send "No, we sent hr wine for her first engagement. -- her "Do you eve regret coming home to take up this job? -- ever "Well, Misco, like you said, I help fun the kingdom, and as you can see, it's running well. -- fund I have purpose in my life, an I think that's part of the reason I'm happy with my life and you aren't happy with yours -- and, unless he's using slang, and it sounds like he isn't "I have one, if that'(s) what your asking." He turned back to the desk. "They all worked in silence, the scratching of pen on paper, and the creaking of the chairs comfortablyt filling in the part of conversation. -- no quote and comfortably - Oh, and thanks for your review reply! I can totally relate - I have problems with the whole "grabbing people's interest" issue. I prefer to focus on the middle of a story and leave the beginning for later, which tends to become problematic. And I do the thing with the parenthesis, too, except I tend to highlight words in bright yellow on MW -- which theoretically should be harder to miss but in practice is easy to forget about... I actually like the kittens. Actually, I'm more of a rabbit person, but I accept that kittens are slightly more respectable than bunnies in this context. They're a very welcome change from the traditional generic magical object. Please, keep the kittens. In regards to the whole naming issue... I've thought about it a bit, and I wonder if maybe it would help if you (1) gave characters slightly shorter names, which are easier to recognize or (2) emphasize the characteristics of each of the characters you do introduce more, so we better associate a personality or trait with the name. For instance... you could, I don't know, give one of the kings an accent or a speech impediment that makes him pronounce his "r"s as "w"s - okay, that's a silly example - forgive me, I recently watched Princess Bride - but something along those lines. (Or, if you're into Harry Potter, something like Mad-Eye Moody's "Constant Vigilance!") Just a random suggestion made at 3 in the morning.. geez, I have got to stop pulling all-nighters... On another note... I feel bad asking this, but if you have any time (and I can totally, totally understand if you're too busy) would you mind reading "The Sylvian Outlaws"? Most of the rest of the story is at least roughly written (and what a monster it is, too), but I feel like I need an honest opinion about whether to totally scrap or rework the beginning...
Harmonic Discord 2008-02-10 ch 8,	abuseAha! Edetezine! Finally! Kittens?! WOODEN kittens?! So now we find out what the summary was about! Hmm, this is certainly an interesting idea. And we finally seem to be moving toward a plot, which is also a plus. I like the discord caused by Naywonine. It's amusing. Now that the story seems to be moving along, I'm quite eager to see what happens next. Unfortunately, it's rather late and I have an 8:30 class tomorrow, so further reading will have to wait for the moment. Let's just hope I can remember to set my alarm to 8 AM instead of PM like last time... Again, more polished than before. Just a few edits: "Now, gentlemen," (h)e began as silence was acquired. -- do you acquire silence? Maybe "attained" would be a better word choice. He seemed irritated at more than amazed. -- at? I won't go into the minute details, because I'm sort of old and decrepit and writing is tiring. - "sort of"? Slang? In a king's letter to other kings? "Whoa, come on. War? Things aren't that serious(,)" Naywonine scoffed
Harmonic Discord 2008-02-10 ch 7,	abuseAw. Pryos and his wife is so kind-hearted. Hmm. We still don't know why Misco hates Pryos so much. A tail? (Naywonine) Interesting... "Prehensile"? Why are there some words in parentheses? It looks like you were uncertain about word choice. Like here: "The peace at the table (word?) the peace that reigned over the continent." You might want to check that before posting. Just a thought. I think I'm going to like Naywonine. He seems very capricious. Again, I'm still waiting for the action. But it looks like the next chapter might have some... Grammar-wise, this chapter was actually much cleaner than some of the earlier ones -- good job! the kings woke up hand over free the following morning -- Either this is an expression I've never heard, or... it doesn't make sense. I'm not sure which. Misco works-Woe!" - Assume you meant "Whoa!" since "woe" is something you cry when you're unhappy... "Pryos sat down on a bench, holding the complacent little Cadron in his lap. "He puts up a mile long front, but once you're forced to be around him long enough, things like this don't seem so unusual for him." - no quote needed at the beginning of this paragraph. "How ever do you get enough volunteers to watch over all these little ones(?)" Darneiray looked around at all the children.
Harmonic Discord 2008-02-10 ch 6,	abuseHmm, I never knew there was such a thing as a "review throttle." How amusing. I guess you learn new things every day. (Excuse me. It's been a long day, and I tend to get a little random after midnight.) Pryos really hates work, huh? Can't say I blame him, to tell the truth... glances worriedly at pile of math problems on desk Is Jactum's story important? To tell you the truth, I'm running into - and I think I've mentioned this before - the whole, well, let's call it the 'name issue'. An overdose of new names being introduced all at once. To be honest, when that happens, I tend to tune out. If there's any way to introduce characters one at a time, or to describe people in more general terms that designate their race or relationships to others - i.e. "The King" as opposed to "King Aleron" - if it's applicable in this situation - it might help a little... I like the ending. In fact, I like how this story explores the concept of being both ruler and ordinary human (or elf, or... well anyway). In some stories, it seems like authority figures are... well, godlike in a way - superhuman (or, on the other end of the spectrum, horribly evil, two-dimensional, power-mad loonies with no social lives). I think it's great that you give Pryos his faults, and that at the end of a hard day, he sits around exchanging jokes in front of the fire like an ordinary guy. ... Yes, you know what's coming by now: With Darneiray around(,) the tipsy mornings ceased, much to the queens' delight. Things became even more mellow when business dragged Pryos back to his study for a couple days. -- "Things"? That's a bit slangy Every so often they joined the queens in their daily musings, but were quickly, though playfully(,) informed that they were not at all a good replacement for Darneiray’s wife(,) Jessen. “(Chancellor/Ambassador/Council Member) Jactum - Pick one! (And I apologize for the bizarreness of this review. I honestly did like the chapter, especially the interplay between the characters.)

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