FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Kenny's Friend 2008-06-13 ch 4,  | abuseThe action flows easily, and your rhetoric is not bad at all. I'm really hoping that you'll revamp this and don't just trash it. Good writing. |
| Kenny's Friend 2008-06-09 ch 3, | abuseTobias is a good name. Glad you decided on that one. Actually, the story picks up here. I can't really tell you what I mean by that... The second chapter felt slow, but this one definitely picked up a lot. I like how real the characters seem, too. So sorry it took me so long to get back to this. |
| Kenny's Friend 2008-06-03 ch 2, | abuse"psychics or profits" - prophets I like the direction this is going. The floating "dream" or vision (I'm assuming it's not a real physical experience at the moment) is a great way to open up the story. The ending to this chapter was a little strange, and I'm not sure I get the significance of "so". Also, some of the larger paragraphs could be broken down; the large bodies of text can be difficult to wade through. But there were no significant grammatical errors I spotted, so congrats in that regard. After reading the second chapter, I can tell why you aren't exactly thrilled with the story: it could definitely use some more... lift. But it's definitely worth continuing. Hope that helps some more. |
| Kenny's Friend 2008-06-03 ch 1, | abuseFirst of all, this is an example of some great creativity in a world bled dry. I like how you've really opened up this universe with very creative methods - instead of describing everything firsthand. Great wordplay too - not overly flowery, but concise with great rhetoric. Nice intro. |
| LuckyTurtle 2008-01-22 ch 4, | abuseI like Angel better then max, but maybe thats cause she's more normal. She's an underdog. Keep going with it. PS. i love when Max totally shoots down kiya. |
| LuckyTurtle 2008-01-19 ch 2, | abuseI like angel, she's the character who catches my..."WTF IS GOING ON?" Factor. It seems like this story is very thought out, and i love that. I think mine is like that, but im pretty sure it's not noticable until later. Keep writing, i wanna know what happens. |