Reviews for Sweet saccharine - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Sweet saccharine

MissDedodakes 2008-05-04 ch 1,	abuseVery descriptive, and it showcases those feelings when it seems the person you want the most doesn't want you back... excellent. :D
iloveanimecartoons 2008-04-15 ch 1,	abusewow...just...wow...
angel953 2008-03-29 ch 1,	abuseI LOVE THIS! GREAT WORK! and about the a/n thats not pathetic that it took you so long to get over her...i've been hanging on to a love for 5 years now. i can't let go. oh well. so ya you are def not pathetic. oh and btw dont review reply plz...if you need to respond to this or w/e comment in one of my forums or in the review game off topic. thx ~cake(hahahaha)
Poena Sensus 2008-02-29 ch 1,	abuseDude, the poem is pretty good the story behind it is sad but i can relate, i think everyman can good job oh by the way i finally did something that i had been meaning to i added you to my alert list! Keep Writting Manson out
Sarah Allie 2008-02-24 ch 1,	abuseHeyy, I'll review this as I go along, so excuse any choppiness :P -I think you meant "how" instead of "ho," on line nine. -"I bleed, cry, and scream: Why can’t you see I am human too?" Oh my god... this is beautiful... -"I am the moth, and you my flame." Can I quote this, and credit you? It's just... wow. That's all... this whole poem was gorgeous... it kept my attention the whole way thjrough, and was something I could relate to. The way you repeated the words "Sweet saccharine" was very nice, and very emotive.. so props for that :) All in all, an AMAZING poem :) Sarah :) x The Review Game
simpleplan13 2008-02-09 ch 1,	abuseI really liked the piece for a couple of reasons... it was beautiful and powerful and kept your attention, but it is also something I can definitely relate to and Im sure a lot of other people can as well The first two lines were single spaced and the rest double spaced.. Im guessing thats a fp format screwup, but I might fix it... I also might separate the piece into stanzas.. it's a long piece and that might break it up nicely... The descriptions are beautiful.. the blue flames and you wanted to die in them are extremely powerful, but I kind of wish there was more variety... especially at the end you pretty much say you want to die in the fire etc. and then you say you want to truth and then you pretty much repeat the last part... I wish there was a new image of at least a new take on that image... The word choice was really great and I really liked how you defined saccharine at the beginning.. that word is really great.. in some of the lines you had like old fashioned wording (like the second line) its definitely not my favorite thing, but you were consistent with it and it worked well with the formality of the piece A spelling error... Ho much have I longed for you?.. How Also Im not sure if you did this intentionally or not, but sugarey is really sugary One part I didnt like was the two lines "Burn me alive, my sweet saccharine./Sweet saccharine, you sugarey little lie;" it seemed to repetitive especially since you repeat sweet saccharine in the next line.. maybe that's what you were going for, but in my opinion it was too much Anyway a really excellent piece.. beautifully done... and Im glad youre over her! lol
Militant Poet 2008-01-28 ch 1,	abuseAlright, so I took up your request on the depth page of poetry reviews. You have something raw here to work with, which is excellent, and a pretty good grasp of how to use language. As a bit of a postmodernist in outlook, I would personally use fewer "emotion" words like "love", as well as fewer mildly overdone metaphors. It would be alright to use them, if you had a new twist, but in a poem with this type of subject material, it would be darn difficult to do so. Some of your inverted sentence structures are jarring, especially "I need not protection". For some reason, that particular line does not flow well with the rest of your poem. "Whilst" used two lines before "While" makes me wonder if there was a reason. Honestly, I do not see one, but I may be mistaken (or not clearly understanding your point). Try not to mix this more classical-sounding language with modern English unless it's for a well controlled effect. Overall you have a pretty good thing started, and the idea of saccharine is a pretty good place to start. I would maybe shorten the poem to begin, and work out the blank "emotion" words that do not evoke an emotional reaction before going back and filling it back out. Your structure is very interesting, and if you'd like to keep it I would definitely understand. Keep up the good work.
lookin4nemo 2008-01-18 ch 1,	abuseThis is so cool escecially how she asked you out an hour after you wrote it! but i no how terrible and long it takes to get over some one! good job and keep it up!

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