Reviews for Elegant Emotions - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Elegant Emotions - Reviews: Page 1 of 6

NoSou13 2008-07-07 ch 2,	abuseHey there. =) As you reviewed my notes for the general writer, I thought I should check out some of what you wrote. I hope my review will show more of what I meant in the ‘critiquing’ area, and I hope that you don’t take offence to anything I say (as that is not my intention). As I tell everyone I review for, what I say are merely suggestions. I’m also sorry to hear that you haven’t been doing a lot of creative writing, but editing is a crucial phase of writing and just as important as the creative part. “”Oh I failed again.” Comma after ‘oh’. “their neatly dressed teacher Mr. Cruas.” Comma after ‘teacher’. “”“Sorry sir.”” Comma after ‘sorry’. “should be happy Luna.” Comma after ‘happy’. ““Yes sir.” Comma after ‘yes’. ““By the way sir,” Comma after ‘way’. You’re using ‘sir’ like a name, so it follows the same rules as other names do. Comma’s separate names from the rest of the sentence. The way to remember it is, if you can remove the name and the sentence makes sense, it should be separated with a comma. ““Learn it the hard way then.”” Comma after ‘way’. “Whilst languidly wiping the whiteboard,” You use ‘languidly’ earlier. This is an excellent word that shows off your language, but at the same time it makes it stand out. Perhaps a synonym. “Rather it’s never been.” Comma after ‘rather’. “An average school day soon came to an end as Luna, and the other students began pouring out from the classrooms and into the open society.” I think the comma after ‘Luna’ makes this sentence sound a bit awkward. A comma usually indicates a pause in the sentence while reading so it threw me off. Grammatically, I think it’s still correct, but it’s not necessary. ““Oh that was tough,” Luna sighed.” Comma after ‘oh’. To be honest, though, I probably wouldn’t put one in myself, but that’s what the rules say. ““Never mind that then.” Comma after ‘that’. ““Well I wanted to watch a new” Comma after ‘well’. ““Oh I get it – you porn freak.” Luna pouted, and then stuck her tongue out at Aaron.” Comma after ‘oh’. And I totally love this line. =) hehe. You have a great relationship between these two characters. ““Yes, yes, and where are we heading to now then?”” Comma after ‘now’. The word ‘then’ can be removed from the sentence and the sentence still makes sense, so it’s a safe bet that it needs to be separated from the sentence with a comma. It’s one of those words like “so”, “however”, “also”. They’re always separated by commas. Of course, it depends on how you use ‘then’. In a sentence like, “And then we went”, obviously it’s not separated by commas. ““You better not fall asleep then lil sis.”” Again, I’m pretty sure ‘then’ is supposed to be separated by commas. I do like the natural language you use by saying ‘lil’ instead of ‘little’. “Parking the car, they headed towards the lift. Luna wrapped her arms around her brothers, entering the lift.” The word ‘lift’ in two consecutive sentences stands out. You could say something like, “entering after him” or “entering with him”. ““I mean I could have made you as smart” Comma after ‘mean’. ““I’ll go buy some popcorn then.”” Same as the other ‘then’. ““Two tickets for Nito Crescent please.”” Comma after ‘Crescent’. ““Thank you sir.” Comma after ‘you’. ““Sorry sir?” the lady asked.” Comma after ‘sorry’. ““Let’s go shall we?”” Comma after ‘go’. “Walking along side by side, Aaron felt a little” I think it would sound better by just putting ‘Walking side by side’. “Within they found their way to their seats” Comma after ‘within’. “why everything was the way they were.” This is a little awkward. Perhaps ‘why everything was the way it was’ or ‘why everyone was the way they were’. I could be wrong here. I really enjoyed your first chapter, and I definitely want to read on. You set up a solid and developed environment which I think adds to the story. Sometimes I feel the dialogue is more natural than other times; although, considering they’re surrounded by unnatural people, I guess that works out even better. Again, I enjoy their relationship, and it’s kind of comical that his little sister is taller than he is. How much is the age difference anyway? I would also like to see more color. In a way I feel like they’re in this black and white world, like an old movie. The only other part that was a bit strange to me was the ride. It seemed very short to me, like they could have walked to the cinema instead of needing to drive. Maybe you could extend this scene a bit. =)
henred5 2008-05-24 ch 10,	abuseAww sucky! Its a shame she didn't show up..she could have won.
Esther Jade 2008-04-28 ch 7,	abuseThe first section of dialogue seems to have quite a lot of said-synonyms which strike me as a bit unnecessary. The actual content of the dialogue was interesting, though. After seeing Luna only from the "outside" in the last chapter, it's nice to hear a bit of her perspective. I wonder if she's being honest with Rita or whether the competition has drawn her in at all. I quite enjoyed the flashback. It felt a lot more real than a lot of the rest of the story (probably 'cause it is ;). Though I did find it strange that it was from Luna's perspective - I mean, how would Aaron know some of that? Wouldn't it need to be from his perspective? It's more mysterious this way but it doesn't really make sense. The last emo section didn't really affect me. I don't know what it is but it just seemed a bit over-the-top. Minor points: At night - I think you mean "that night". I have, my own ways. - I don't think the comma is necessary. He gave her a glimpse - I don't know whether "glance" might be a better word choice in this context than "glimpse". not for you to hit me - I think there's an "on" missing between "hit" and "me". In a short period, - "Period" strikes me as not being quite the right word choice. So why did, she leave? - I don't think the comma is necessary. complement? - I think that should be "compliment".
Esther Jade 2008-04-28 ch 6,	abuseAction-packed chapter. It didn't seem to unveil too much more of the mystery but I get the feeling that Luna's performance in this contest could be quite significant. Minor points: a selected few audiences - I think "audiences" should rather be "audience members". Luna and Philip both pointed the gun at each other meanwhile Aaron and Erika were at the viewing area with Rita who had came to support her friend. - This sentence feels like it has a few too many things going on in it. Will she make it pass the first round? - I think that should be "passed" not "pass" but you could be indicating how the character speaks so I'm not sure. Just thought I'd mention it. Luna smiled softly - How do you smile "softly"? I know what you're trying to say but I think another word might be more effective. I rather not have to go down that path unless I must. - I think that first "I" should be an "I'd" but again it might be the way you want the character to speak. From afar, the two began exchanging gunfire - "From afar" feels like a funny phrase choice here. I think there might be a better way to put it. chasing Luna whom had retreated backwards. - That "whom" should be a "who". one of the nerds of the school. - I find it hard to believe that a teacher would describe a student as a "nerd". I’ll eat myself. - She'll eat herself or by herself? I'm not sure if this was deliberate because it's dialogue but I thought I'd mention it.
Esther Jade 2008-04-28 ch 5,	abuseOkay, my guess at the moment is that all of the kids in Luna's class, including Luna, are like AI robots and they're competing to show which programmer is best. I'm not quite sure why this competition would prove that more conclusively than test results but I suppose it depends on what they want the robots for. If Aaron is really serious about this competition, using a video game seems like a not particularly good way to train Luna. Though, if she's electronic, maybe it makes sense... The section over coffee at the end felt like it was part of the real story but the emotion in it felt a bit stilted. I'm not quite sure whom they're talking about but it didn't really feel real. Minor point: He had begun tutoring his sister on math since she had returned home. - The verb tense in this sentence strikes me as being not quite right.
Esther Jade 2008-04-28 ch 4,	abuseI realised I never finished this story and I just wanted to know what happened. I wondered in this chapter whether the men inspecting the school were part of Aaron's simulation or whether they were the authorities checking his simulation. I also wondered whether Luna's results were an important component - is he competing to come up with an artificially intelligent being? I did find the dialogue with the teacher was a bit unrelenting. I don't know if it would be possible to include some of Aaron's thoughts there. The sexual overtones in Luna and Aaron's relationship are really creepy. I get the feeling (may have been clear in earlier chapters but don't remember) she's not really his sister but it's just so weird. Probably meant to be, though. Minor point: have given me a vow of confidence - "Vow" feels like a strange word choice here.
Alaska Forever 2008-03-25 ch 9,	abuseOh wow! I absolutely love this story. Please continue because I will be waiting. :) Aurora Tilar
henred5 2008-03-22 ch 9,	abuseYour battle scenes are obviously getting better. The writing in a general way is also getting better. Any way the plot seems to get more and more tense as I read...so I am off to read the next chapter. Keep up the brilliant work.
henred5 2008-03-22 ch 8,	abuseThat was very EEK and tense writing. I have to say I'm not liking Rita very much now, is she really a friend, or not. It would be nice if this could be cleared up in the next chapter. reads on
henred5 2008-03-18 ch 7,	abuseConfusion seem to be the key to this plot...lols. But hey brilliant yet again so far. Though I have a feeling the next round is going to be pretty painful for Luna.
Deprecor 2008-03-10 ch 1,	abuseI love your writing style--you can easily adjust to each character's different voice, so to speak. This also makes for a very intriguing preface.
henred5 2008-03-10 ch 6,	abuseSuch a strange past of the older brother's...I think I get part of the plot/main idea here, but it is still a little misty.
I see London I see Sam's To... 2008-03-09 ch 1,	abuseJust the title alone was enough to make me want to read this. I don't have much time left to spend on the computer, but I had to at least read the first chapter/preface! Your voice as a writer is very poignant... Once I started reading, I really got a sense of who this Luna character is (personality wise), and it only made me want to read more. Sometimes I come across these stories that have this dry humor--basically, the author has failed with their intention of being funny. However, with this story, the humor is present indeed, and even though I haven't gotten very far, I can already sense the drama that's about to unfold. All in all, it's a good start! Other than some punctuation errors, there's nothing bad about this. ~J.V.
Kioasakka 2008-02-26 ch 1,	abuseInteresting; very nice hook. I'm curious about who these people are, and what this 'competition' is all about. This one sentence seems to read a little awkwardly: " Attending high school as a female at the age of sixteen was absolutely normal, even if all your friends had boyfriends and girlfriends, passed all the exams except you and did not need to even study – what was wrong then? " Is Luna saying that SHE'S not normal or that attending highschool isn't normal? I can't really tell. I look forward to reading more. ~Kioasakka
Susannah Simon 2008-02-26 ch 9,	abuse"improving and adapting"...i'll take that as a clue to the plot :D very nicely written! i like this. and i agree: don't change styles now. i like the non-main character battle and i like that you kept it short in comparison to the main character battle in the last chapter. more is being revealed about the plot and i realize that my guesses were totally wrong... i like how you conveyed luna's emotions after the match and when she got home. i would advise using more description, not of the battles, but more of what the characters are doing and where they are. very good so far! and i can't wait for the next chapter :D

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