|Reviews for Revolver|
| eiyuang999 5/23/10 . chapter 1
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| Trust The Music 12/18/08 . chapter 7
An..unexpected ending but a great story nonetheless.
| RedWheeler 6/27/08 . chapter 6
Finally got around to reading, so yay for that.
This chapter was pretty fast paced actually, I was expecting it to be much longer. But yeah, interesting that Valisi was a vampyre instead of a ghost, I was just going with what the little girl had said last chapter.
I only saw a few errors, minor little mixups. Nothing really worth saying, 'cause the only thing I saw stick out was 'it' being spelled 'ti' instead during Zeck's dream. And technically I just did say it anyway... Hmm.
I was a little confused after he woke up from his dream though. XP I caught on soon after, but it just seemed to jump around a little bit.
I also liked that you mentioned Drazura and Dragaurza, so I take it that this inn will make another appearence in (one of) your other stories? Which would be cool, 'cause I'm interested in this particular plot line.
Great job, sorry about the delay in reviewing.
| Andrew Wilton 6/5/08 . chapter 1
Al you know what I'm about to say. I F* #$g love it. my gawd. al this is amazing
| Laeden 5/28/08 . chapter 6
Hey, nice to hear from you again, and thanks for the review. More chapters are coming soon.
Anyway, I read the whole thing, but I'll just review from the most recent update-the sixth chapter.
In your first paragraph, you have "The room was cool and dark, and rather spacious for the small inn."
I think you're trying to have a very descriptive setting, which there is nothing wrong with. But you're rushing it into a common sentence. Try not to jam so many adjectives into one sentence, they take away from each other. If you slow it down and spread it out, each adjective will seem more powerful, and thus the reader will be able to take in all three. When they are jammed together, the reader may lose some of that description in trying to retain it all. You can also put a character's reaction to a setting instead of an adjective, that way the setting is almost a character in itself, and make the writing more powerful.
You also have "was" as your verb in the first two sentences, which will get repetitive, in this case, I'd be tempted to put the two sentences together.
"Zeck was not lulled by the spacious room, which was ironic for such a small inn. With a slight chill from a draft, he stumbled through the darkness and lit an oil laturn."
This of course is from the top of my head, but you get the idea how you can put things together.
I noticed you use passive sentences a lot. You use "was" a lot. "There WAS a large dining table by the picture windows, with two chairs across from each other. On the table WAS more food, but Zeck WAS still quite satiated."
You use a word like "satiated," but you use was three times in two sentences. Try and mix things up with verbs and description.
"The food laid out on the table didn't lure Zeck to one of the chairs, but the thought of eating more made him sick."
I've also noticed, you seem to have either straight description or straight dialogue. These things don't need to be isolated from each other. Have the characters doing something while they are talking. Swating at flies, or patting their stomach, giving a suspicous look or rolling their eyes. Body language says a lot in real life, so add context to the words, and it'll add a lot of realism, and what you're trying to convey.
'"That's right,' he said." Will say something.
'"That's right,' he said, rolling his eyes." Will say a lot more, it shows he's being sarcastic without explicitly saying it. Readers will pick up on these subtlties.
Overall it's quite intriguing. Also, I would avoid double punctuation.
"What if he hears you?" It's not correct grammer. You can say a lot more with an action or an emotion on the tag.
Once again, thanks for the reiview, it's nice to hear from returning fans, and I hope this helps.
| RedWheeler 5/18/08 . chapter 5
Last thing I'm gonna get through today, sorry about that. I'll get through the rest sometime this week. Strained for time and all. Anywho...
I saw one mistake. You said "...monsters task..." near the beginning of the third section, after the Savle paragraphs, when I'm thinking it should be "...monster's task..." That's literally all I saw though, which is quite the improvement from the last chapter.
Kris was an awesome character, I'm sad to see him go so fast. I found him rather amusing and his species is rather intriguing. Maeve also appears to have a lot of depth - completely wasn't expecting the ghost man stuff. Kinda creep. XP
Brodin kinda gave me a weird impression... that smile you kept referencing when it came to the ghost. He's obviously trying to hide it, so I assume the next chapter will have something to do with the fact that Zeck didn't eat. Does he have to eat a certain amount? You'd think, regardless if he believed the kid or not, he would take a bite for her sake. I would.
Great addition. Wasn't expecting where the chapter ended up. I look forward to more chapters. XD
| Reject Code 2/17/08 . chapter 1
Oh my god :(
He shot the chicken! Jerk!
No, but really this story so far is amazing. I mean, it's hard to concentrate with Aaron babbling behind you...but I somehow did. And I'm glad I did so. It's very sad, but as I said, amazing.
I'll going to keep reading this one! XD
To chapter 2!
| RedWheeler 2/15/08 . chapter 4
I had to read this in chunks, mainly due to time. So I read a little bit about the time you first updated... and then the rest now.
Anywho, I share the same feelings of both Daniel and Tristan - I don't think Zeck's gonna come back. Right from the beginning, I sort of got the impression that he dies. I feel the question of the story surrounds more if he will ever get his vengence, rather than will he die or not. So that's what I think.
I saw quite a few mistakes in my read through. Some mixed up letters and missing words from sentences. And you refered to "the Ambrose families modest home" when it should be "family's modest home." It's pretty much small stuff again, but there was quite a bit more than usual.
Anywho, looks good so far. Great job.
| RedWheeler 2/8/08 . chapter 3
I thought it was a great place to end the chapter as well, it was a nice way to allow the reader to hang as well as break up the information that is to come. A lot of detail once again. Or maybe I'm just tired? Well, one of the two.
I actually didn't think the Through The Eyes of the Dragon would be meant literally. So, that was an interesting twist to the plotline.
I only have one to point out about the story though: "... he was unsure of what exactly to for a grief stricken person." I think the word 'do' is missing, otherwise the sentence doesn't make much sense. That's really the only thing, other than maybe in the sentence: "Would you not want to defend me with it, and I you?" It should probably be, "... and I, you?"
I could be wrong though.
Well, another great job.
| RedWheeler 2/8/08 . chapter 2
Tonight I should be able to catch up on this story, so right after this review, I shall be making one for the next chapter. Which was updated crazily fast.
Anywho, so you know, the transition between the small talk and Zeck's story was not blocky or anything. It flowed quite well. So great job on working that out. There was a lot of detail to take in for this chapter though, especially for the second half. I think you used words I never even heard of before. XP
I saw a few minor errors though. I think I counted four. The first was, you wrote: "... woman who had help him..." It should be helped. You also asked a question concerning the importance of planting but didn't put a question mark. Uh... crud. I can't recall the rest... which is just plain helpful, eh? They weren't huge though, probably along the same lines as those that I did mention.
Well, great chapter. I'm onto the next one now.
| RedWheeler 1/22/08 . chapter 1
For a moment, I couldn't figure out how Dragon slaying was cliche, until your knight comment. XD Apparently I'm oblivious to those sorts of details. Anyway, this side steps that little cliche by a mile, at least. Keep this is mind though, there is only one other thing you can slay that is uber cliche, and that would be vampires. So, rest assured.
Moving on, I tried to read this the best I could. Meaning, quite a bit of noise was present (so, I'll read your song later, if that's alright). Anyway, I thought it was an interesting start, can't wait to see how you will make this something with 5 chapters though. You would think with the plot line, that I'm aware of so far, it would be quite a bit more.
I saw a few mistakes though, you wrote the word kidnies in the possessive sense in the first paragraph. That was probably your biggest mistake though. Everything else was missing letters (like the 'L' in elk) and the odd capital once or twice. So nothing big, just small typos.
I like the name Zeck, you always seem to come up with interesting names. You even put a little spin with normal names, like Myranda. XD So yeah, keep up the great work.