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| HeartofCourage 2008-05-07 ch 2,  | abuseahh come on update sometime it was getting very intersting |
| Moon's Poetess 2008-01-30 ch 2, | abuseHere we go ^^ Ok, so first styly thinger, just this line: "Like two old hearts meeting after they had been separated for centuries." It's incredibly, incredibly cheesy, sad to say. It'd be nice, maybe in another part, but it says far too much too early on. Another, simpler and less assuming comparison would fit better here. "Rain fell like soft tears" - lovely simile. "As I walked, I stumbled back when I felt someone pinch my err… “Hey!” I said." - smart line =D I like it, haha. Nice ending ^^ (The mother wants them to play spin the bottle? 'Tis insane!) All I have to say to it really is that it seems to go along too fast. Kazuki comes to conclusions really quickly and suddenly he's madly attracted to somebody other than his girlfriend, too. It doesn't feel quite realistic. Otherwise I enjoyed it =) Nice writing style you have. So now I'm wondering... where'd the pink-haired girl go? Moon's Poetess |
| HeartofCourage 2008-01-21 ch 1, | abusethis chpter is really gettng me to think wath could go wrong in his life...is this a fantasy story? well its very good so far i hop it gets better:) |
| Moon's Poetess 2008-01-21 ch 1, | abuseI like the second half of this best. The first paragraph is sketchy, there are lots of commas in strange places and the "and"s are used a bit oddly too. But it gets better once he sees the banner, the writing overall seems more natural, in any case. On the whole a bit cheesy, but I can see it picking up after this intro ^^ Hope to read more soon! Moon's Poetess |