Reviews for Sourceworks - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Sourceworks - Reviews: Page 1 of 3

Written 2008-07-23 ch 4, anon.	abuseEnjoyed this chapter. The interactions between the characters were all very natural, and you seem to have a lot of confidence with the world they inhabit. Didn't notice any problems in the writing, but it was a bit bare bones at times, and you're right that it could be added to another chapter. chapter length isn't a big deal though, so do what you want with that matter. :) I'm too lazy to sign in right now, sorry. just thought I'd give you some thoughts real quick. where I live, it's time to go to bed! p.s. I live in the desert and everyone here owns good offroading vehicles. it's kind of amusing, tbh, cuz they are all major gas guzzlers too.
Written 2008-07-23 ch 3,	abusehi :) glad to see you've updated. nice job setting up the scene at the beginning... however, a few words seem out of place here and there? not sure if it's me misreading or what, but here's one example: but his still hair stopped several inches above his shoulders. I think the word "still" should go after hair? anyway, as I was saying, it's a good beginning and gives us a real feeling of where they are. (“Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for that guy.”) I laughed at this part. It rings very true :) I've had the same conversation with many people. I love your descriptions. They put you in the head of the character and make each scene very easy to visualize. Well done. One of the best scenes was the dancing, I think. Hope you update soon.
Ramona122003 2008-04-20 ch 2,	abuseNice. Cheveyo seems like a interesting character so far, even though he was knocked out in this chapter. Howahkan seems cool too, but Cheveyo's mentor strikes me as the archtype hard-** teacher. I curious to see where this story is going and hope that you keep it up.
starleaf 2008-04-18 ch 1,	abuseWow, good job. :) You should definitely go into journalism... you're amazing at it. You're good at creative writing, as well, but more so at the journalism. I'm impressed! :) The story seems pretty interesting. Not my kind of story (not really into sci-fi and such) but I had no problem reading until the end. Again, good job!
Distilledfx 2008-04-02 ch 1,	abuseREVIEW GAME :D A cool new spin on the whole magic in present day idea. I first read your prologue type part with the newspaper article and was unsure what to expect, though I am sort of interested in parapsychology, and a scientific angle to this could definitely make it more interesting. "has offered 5,0,0" This should have a "$". Then you quickly shift to a much more entertaining story. I'm assuming (though you don't specifically say) that Cheveyo and Howahkan are native Americans. Another angle that makes sense, isn't over done to death and is really interesting to read. Magic or whatever it is really fits this context well and I forgot (until he mentioned about the hospital) that it was set somewhere near present day. This really sets the story up well to develop a great plot The characters themselves are well developed and you seem to know them well. I don't know what will happen to Cheveyo, but I'm guessing there is some magical power that both the characers have. The writing, while used greatly to convey the plot, seems to need a little something else to make it really come alive. Overall, I enjoyed this story and it will hopefully add some variety to the over grown population of stories involving the same tired concepts of magic and fantasy. I'd be interested to see more along the scientific lines, but that can be hard to make convincing at times. Keep working on it, theres a lot of cool angles here that I haven't seen before.
Asherah Seirei 2008-03-24 ch 2,	abuseAh, I love the way you described the man transforming into a camel. What an awesome animal. Rather be a snake, myself, but camels are all good too. ^^ "Every step came quicker than the last, and soon the camel was loping across desert..." LOPING camels are so much more awesome than regular ones, of course. XD Howahkan's determination for his student is really empowering. It makes him seem strong, and wise, which he probably is. Ah, Cheveyo! I hope he turns out all right in the end! This chapter was high on suspense. Whoa, there's no way I can match Kyllorac's review, but I still liked this chapter anyway! Whoo! ^^ ~Asherah
ServalSpotz 2008-03-21 ch 1,	abuseCongratulations on coming in 3rd place in the Review Marathon! Here's your prize! The story sounds pretty good so far. I think you did a great job describing what's going on in the story, and the theme of the story seems pretty interesting. The first part of the story--the first few paragraphs--confused me. I have no idea what it has to do with the rest of the chapter. Maybe it will make sense if I read the rest of this story? It may have been a good idea for you to explain that first part, though. I guess I'll read the rest of the story now. :) Bye!
Kyllorac 2008-03-16 ch 2,	abusehis coyote form. And he’d gotten - Comma instead of period to improve flow. with it. But that - Comma instead of period. Also, rather than but, though would flow better. What had happened - A little elaboration for clarity could be used here. "What had happened earlier" or "what had already happened" are two possibilites. survived. And he wouldn’t - Comma instead of period. hours. But - Comma instead of period. The only place Cheveyo - This would be an appropriate place to start a new paragraph. things. But snake - Comma instead of period. And a camel - Instead of and, I would suggest using "In addition,". Generally, it isn't a good practice to use and to start sentences. Most common desert plants are rather lacking in special properties, unless you’re looking to start a fire. - The little comment at the end made me laugh a little. fire. But common - Comma instead of period. his available resources - I suggest adding in an only between his and available for a little extra emphasis. For it is true - Omit the for. It's unnecessary. sort. The - a semicolon would work best here. mortal intentions - Mortal does not work well here. Murderous or "the intention to kill" would work better. intentions, for it - No comma is needed here. for it knew much of predators and nothing of cacti - I just love these little observations/comments of yours. hiked and struggled - You could probably substitute floundered for the entire phrase; it's more concise yet just as descriptive. was across the globe - "on the other side of the globe" or "opposite the globe" is more appropriate. and it avoided - What is it? Once in a while, you should name the noun the pronoun refers to otherwise it becomes confusing. slowing it as - Again, name the noun to which the pronoun refers to limit confusion. it ran away from the cactus it knew to be chasing it - XD The mental image is just too funny. none the less - Should be one single word. camel’s easy movement - "ease of movement" flows a bit better. re-gained control - Since you use "wresting back control" in the next sentece, control is a bit repetetive. Autonomy or another such synonym would work better. all, just - Colon or m-dash instead of comma. The collection of reservation buildings - A good place to start a new paragraph. Here were the residences and gathering places. - Of whom? Little stores who had never seen a customer from beyond the reservation. - Sentence fragment. I suggest combining it with the preceding sentence. Something along the lines of "Here were the residences and gathering places, interspersed with little..." etc. gardens. Others - Comma or semicolon is more appropriate here. distance they - Comma after distance. closer some - Comma after closer. Howahkan went on - Start of a new paragraph. world shivered in front of his eyes - Shivered doesn't feel appropriate. Shimmered, blurred, or soething else along those lines may be a better choice. hefted the boy into the dirt - Hefted means to lift, so it doesn't quite make sense to lift someone into the ground. I don't have any suggestions to remedy this, however. shedding cactus needles like water - Nice simile. keys, and a loose - You can omit the and. It will add to the sense of urgency. afterthought he - Comma after afterthought. Then they - It flows better as "They then". opened back - Missing a the after opened. car, and pressed - No need for a comma here. pedal and sped - Too many ands. "pedal, speeding" flows better. They would have no pity for the situation. - Pity isn't the correct word to use here. Consideration is a better choice. He sped - Start of a new paragraph. ways the - Comma after ways. truck run. So now - Comma instead of period. Maybe the young snakes weren’t old enough to have fully developed their venom. - As I mentioned in my previous review, young snakes have the most potent venom. complaint, if - No comma needed. about breaking a 100 mph - Instead of giving a specific number (which disrupts the flow), "breaking the speed limit" gets the point across just as effectively. mph. And - Comma instead of period. The car sped past everything. - Everything is a little too vauge. The desert is a bit more specific yet still leaves room for description. a new casino - I suggest adding a probably in front of a. More exits - You could start a new paragraph here. yellow line running down the middle of the high way - "down the middle of the highway" is a bit redundant. At most, "down the middle" is all you need. The readers can already infer that it is a highway he is driving down due to your mention of exits. tried to insist upon treating - "offered to treat" flows better and is less wordy. It also leaves room for Howahkan to refuse. housewife, her - "and" instead of a comma. who were unable to decide whether they were worried or bored - This would fit best in a set of parentheses or set apart by dashes. mother, and then - Omit the and. funny, just - Semicolon instead of comma. him some - Missing an on. sickness that - Comma needed after sickness. natural, disinfectant - Period or semicolon instead of comma. last the nurse - Comma after last. room and to the bed - Adding an over after and helps the flow a bit. melting away - Melting isn't exactly the word I would use here. Wasting or fading seem more appropriate. better. But - Comma instead of period. shrugged. “Then - There's no transition between his action and the dialogue. which is - Missing an "of these" after which. make sure he was tied securely - Make sure who was tied securely? wrote they - Comma needed after wrote. hiking and - Comma after hiking. do. But - Comma instead of period. He was rather fond of some of the things he’d been forced to leave in the desert when he changed. - This sentece doesn't seem to relate to any of the previous ones. Maybe connect it to the preceding sentence by mentioning that he would have to go back to the site of the accident? Overall, I really enjoyed this chapter. I especially liked how you mentioned the speeds Howahkan was travelling at; it contributed to the air of urgency.
Kyllorac 2008-03-16 ch 1,	abuseNice work on the newspaper article at the beginning; it sounds like it is an excerpt from an authentic publication. It also does a good job of establishing setting and introducing the reader to the current issue of importance. young, had yet to - The had is unnecessary. creosote - Yummy adjective. n.n youth, over - An and would be more effective than a comma here. It would also improve the flow a tad. rocky ridge jutting out of the dune - "jutting out" is a bit redundant since ridges naturally jut out. of the dune only - There should probably be a comma after dune. Rash with youth, over eager to proceed, the boy ran up along a rocky ridge jutting out of the dune only to have part of the eroded rock crumble under him, sending him tumbling to the ground several feet below. - This sentence is a bit too long, and there is too much going on in it. I would suggest dividing it into two separate sentences, one dealing with his brashness, the second dealing with the result of his over-eagerness. boy!” His mentor’s - His should be lowercase. Capitalization and punctuation is a pain when dialogue is involved. XD rolled down from the top of a hill - "the top of a hill" is a bit redundant as we already have inferred that his mentor is on top of a hill. Instead, above would work better. He wasn’t as wiry as the boy though his voice was anything but soft. - There should be a comma before though. I also cannot see the connection betwen his build and volume of voice. going you’ll - Comma after going. teepee - I like how you subtly introduce the ethnicity of the characters through their dialogue. than any pain - The any is unnecessary. began plucking hair-like cactus spines from his bare chest and shoulder - Ouch. Also, you failed to mention that he fell onto a cactus in an earlier paragraph. I’m sorry you weren’t so fortunate as to come at all the spines from the wrong end. If you ever find yourself on the inside of a cactus, you’ll see. - XD Cheveyo plucking at cactus spines - The cactus spines that are located where? Are some still embedded in his chest and shoulder? flatbread and divided it between the two of them - "flatbread, dividing it between the two of them" flows slightly better. teacher saying, - Comma after teacher. Only, he thought, the figure was still human. - This would work better at the end of the previous paragraph. the fangs on the bite marks - Of instead of on. marks two of them - A comma is needed after marks. the one from the largest snake first - The bites from the younger snakes would actually contain the most venom. The smaller and younger a snake is, the more potent the venom (it's one of their defensive mechanisms). As the snakes grow older and larger, their venom becomes slightly diluted. he should have been able to do it - Do what? I assume you mean shape-shift, but it's not entirely clear. That was more than fifty miles away - What was more than 50 miles away? poison and keep him alive until he could drive him to the hospital - It is clearer as "poison, enough to keep the boy alive long enough to drive him to the hospital" possible. And Howahkan - Comma instead of period. It will make this section less choppy. Howahkan knew what he was going to do - "was going" is a bit weak. "would have" is stronger and adds to the sense of urgency and suspense. the hell he’d catch - Hell isn't the best term to use here. Ire or something along those lines would be a better choice. around the flaccid - Instead of the, Cheveyo would make things clearer. over him. Otherwise - Comma instead of period. the man, the shaman, - It is a bit repetetive. As we already know that Hoahkan is a man, I would suggest using just "the shaman". to be said, he only - Semicolon instead of comma. to do, under pressure - No comma needed here. The one issue that caught my eye was the whole shapeshifting business. You never clearly introduced the concept, so those unfamiliar with the lore surrounding shamans and their ability to change forms would have been completely lost. I would suggest introducing the concept of shapeshifting through the characters' dialogue. Something along the lines of Howahkan reminding Cheveyo to change shapes should suffice given Cheveyo's impulsiveness. Overall, though, the beginning was excellent. The article captured my interest, and the following pargraphs kept it. Aside from the confusion caused by the lack of information on shapeshifting, the writing was clear and grammar was generally good. On a scale of 1-5, I'd score you a 4/5.
Deimus Maxiran 2008-03-15 ch 2,	abuseOverall, I like what I see. Cheveyo seems a bit cliche being the young arrogant protagonist with abilities above a normal human. I can't complain too much though, that same character type seems to always find a way into my own stories :P. The elder seems like he could become an interesting character if you threw him into some more situations where he has to go against his own teachings. The plot is fresh for me, I don't usually read stories about Indians and your story presents it in a very interesting way. I liked the concept of being able to change into animals and how you incorporate animal instinct logically into the story. Although I have to be honest and say I wasn't too concerned about Cheveyo after he was bitten, I assumed he would quickly be healed and even if he did die he hadn't been developed enough for me to really care. Looking through the two chapters you have up I was unable to spot any spelling or grammar mistakes so in that category your doing a lot better than most! Your writing style fits the type of story this feels like its going to be. The way you describe being an animal sounds very much like it comes from the way a real Indian might think about it. So I liked your story. It was entertaining, but lacked a bit in the suspense department. I was confused as to why turning into a camel would be such a big deal but I can only assume that will be elaborated on later :D Keep up the great work! Put your heart into it and by the end you will have a great story!
Asherah Seirei 2008-03-08 ch 1,	abuseAn incredible fusion of sci-fi and fantasy, to say the least. The setting intrigued me; I haven't read many stories set in the desert. At least I think it was the desert. Sounded like the desert. readread Cheveyo. I love that name. I love that character, too. ^-^ Nice pacing. Fast, sharp, to-the-point. thumbs up
Hed in the Cloudz 2008-03-08 ch 1,	abuseI love the contrast between the scientific and the spiritual! Especially if both of these things are happening at once, this is intriguing. I mean, talismans, rattlesnakes, shapeshifting, and newspaper articles? This certainly promises to be original, and I must say, you have great talent for writing newspaper articles that actually sound like news! Near the beginning, you're a bit repetitive-- "lithe" and "lean", "young" and "youth", stuff like that. Description is great, but it's nice if you change around what you're describing-- maybe hair color, or the sound of his voice, or his posture, instead of going on about age, excitement, and weight? I look forward to reading the rest!
EZSB 2008-03-07 ch 2,	abuseA good story! The characters are believable and very fun watching them live in this world you have created! i look more for this story! EZSB (Eric!)
asylum writer 2008-03-01 ch 2,	abuseReview Game. "A camel rose from the dirt where a man had lain but a moment before." I like that you don't say something like "He transformed into a camel" - your way is much more creative. "What grudge the camel might bare against itself, the boy he bore, the rope, or camels, boys, and ropes in general was unclear." And the sentence is unclear. I think I get what you're saying, butit seems confusing. I think "bare" should be "bear", also. Oh, good. They don't immediately understand how to be the animal. So the ability isn't the kind of thing you can master at once. I don't like characters who find a new ability and perfect it right away. "But if one of the chieftains had seen what he had just been, there would be trouble." Interesting... And where does MIT come into play again? Interesting.
MatthewPaul 2008-02-28 ch 2,	abuseA very fluid style. I'm looking forward to the return to the tribe, as I imagine I will have a much more complete idea of the characters after being introduced to their society. As they are not conventional Indians, there is a great deal of potential for development, hopefully in a very non X-Men way. I particularly loved the, "Human husks," line. Great description given the characters and location. For the Review Game.

Return to Top