- Techniques: I like your little flashback that you included as it was a very good writing technique to use at that moment in the story. It had a very good effect on the ending.

- Ending: Your ending was very well done and seemed to be well wrapped up. I wasn't left asking questions at the end and your plot came together nicely.

- Writing: Your writing style is very good and I like the descriptions that make me feel close to the characters and the world that they are in. You are a very good writer.

- Characters: The characters remained life-like throughout your whole story. Your characterization of them was very well done.

- Enjoyment: Your story was very enjoyable because your writing style makes it come to life and so do your descriptions. Also your characters make the piece fun to read.

- Pace: The pace was done very well as your story was not too fast that the reader would get lost but it also wasn't too slow that it got boring. Basically, that pace was just right for your story.

- Plot: The plot also is well done and it seems to be an original idea. Your plot is filled with action which adds to the story as a whole and helps keep it moving along.

- Dialog: Your dialog held emotion and as I read it I felt like I could hear your characters speaking. While you didn't spell out their tone to the reader it was made clear from the describtion around it.

Good job. :D

- Opening: I enjoyed your opening because it was filled with describtion with really helped me to picture the setting of you story. I feel that showing the setting is a very important part or introducing a new story so right away I was interested and enjoying your writing.

- Dialog: I liked how you spread the dialog out between the describtions. The dialog helped to charactize your characters and you put in just the right amount and it helped your story to flow well. It was also quick paced dialog, which made the story even more interesting

- Characters: Your character were very good and well described. They were not too spelled out for the reader and their names are interesting. Overall, I felt that they were well written.

- Writing: Your writing style is very good, not too much detail but enough that the reader is placed into the land that you are trying to create. Your writing plants a good picture inside the readers head and draws the reader deeper into your plot and your characters.

Sorry I didn't sign in, I was in rather hurry. ^^

Well, to be honest, I'm kind of confused at first. The story's too wordy, and you use too may adjective. Good thing that you're not repetitive. You don't rely on only one 'cool' word.

The story itself is beautiful, and the system's kinda new. :D Too bad it's underdeveloped. Instead making it a short story, I think it'd be fitting if it's a full lenght novel, maximizing every capacity it has.

The character, however, I really don't symphatizes with them. They appear way too abruptly, and often they're being melancholic without reason. Maybe it's because I'm not a melancholic person myself, but to be able to emit those words, you gotta build the right moment. And most of the times, the moments weren't developed enough.

As for your grammar, I'm really not good at that, so I can't give much comment. You do have a good writing style and an ability to string nice words together, though.

The third chapter's perspective is kinda interesting, but inconsistent. And most od the time, I don't know what kind of POV you're aiming for. Sometimes I saw third person POV, other times omniscient.

But, well, all in all. Good story. :D You gotta need to further develop it, and it'll be a star. :D

I'm afraid this chapter was very confusing, but your very powerful lines instilled a great deal of emotion in me, even though I'm not quite sure why I feel the way I feel.

Bravo on the completetion of your threeshot, and I hope you continue to write.

Sorry for the long wait.

Now, this chapter was extremely sad, but it was very well written. I nearly forgot I wasn't reading a book at times. Dia seems to be very complex, and I'm attracted to her character immensely.

I just wanted to give Haito a big hug after Dia confessed that she never loved him.

Off to the next chapter.

First, let me just say "wow". The descriptive language that you used in this was absolutely amazing. Even in the first paragraph I could sense that your use of literary elements was going to be a good rival to even professional writers. Your storyline is looking very engrossing right now, too. It is quite unique, and I am interested in reading more. Keep up the good work and keep on writing!

review 2 for AAT.
OOH! I was right! there isn't really a villian! Ahm could probably be classified as a villian, but Dia loves him... bleh. This chapter was also amazing...
I loved how this chapter tied up almost all of the loose ends from the previous chapter. There is almost no need for a third chap... although I'm sure once I read it I will realize it was necessary :D The characters really developed in this chap, didn't they? They are really relatable, and they are easy to sympathize with. :( the story is so sad!
I didn't really like the beginning, it was quite confusing. I had to read the first few paragraphs several times to get them. Maybe you could clear up the wording in some of the sentences...?
I will be a little late with the last review, since I have to go have dinner, but I will go back on after dinner. thanks!

My first review from AAT, and I repent forever about the delay *bows*
e! I like the plot a lot, and the characters are mysterious. it's difficult to tell at this point if there's a real villan or not, which is always interesting...
Your paragraphing is amazing! I don't really know exactly what about it is so good, but I love it! You avoid the chunky "huge paragraph, and then dialogue, and then a even bigger paragraph, repeat" format that a lot of people on this site go for. They seemed very balanced.
One of my few dislikes for this story was... I noticed you have lots of run-on sentences. (I do this too, but you should try to avoid it.) "A part of him was screaming about how he should stop dreaming although he merely silenced that voice by throwing it into the imaginary ocean of his mind so that its annoying sound became muffled." that sentence alone was 2 lines on fp page. It's tiring to read overlong sentences, and if you cut down on those, it would be literally easier to read.
great first chapter. my reviewing sucks, I know DX

I apologize for my lateness, as I already informed Illusion, my computer was hit with a nasty virus.

Now, the chapter itself, I found to be very inticing in the beginning, with just the right amount of mystery. However, you totally lost me at the end. Who killed the gaurds? And didn't she come alone?

I guess I'll have to read the next chapter to find out.

Okie Dokie, unlike some of your reviewers I don't think Eleanor's part is a bit abrupt or confusing. Her is a bit odd in thought of how of everyone elses names, but whatever fits to you is good to me. Now, what I do think is the ending was a bit disappointing. Abrupt and unfulfilling. I left with the uncertain measure of whether the Heiress was still a good person or a petty person by her last statement.

Another thing to remember is that when writing for a character it doesn't hurt to change the tone of narration to befit them.

For the up side is like the previous chapters the description and detailing are very nice. Also, out of all of the characters, Eleanor is perhaps the best one. Her thinking to me is definitely that of a brat, but a brat with a heart who can see what is what.

My main advice is to perhaps add more to the epilogue to give the idea that hope would really rein in the end. Her words do explain that she won't be like Haito or Dia, but they don't give off much hope.

~Mosaic

To start out the second part was a nice continuation of the first part from beginning to end. Personally, and I do mean personally, I'm not a big fan of manga or Shonen type scenes, but you did a really cool job in describing the fighting scene. The best part of it the description that led up to it.

On another personal level I don't see sacrificing oneself for someone else who doesn't love you is a fulfilling purpose. It is rather selfish to me on behalf of the person willing to sacrifice your life for themself. I guess that is why the title is most befitting.

Now, to the comments:

{As he did so, the intruders pointed their bloodstained swords at him while moving closer, trying to corner him along with the Heiress he was protecting, but when he paid no heed and proceeded to tug on the metal shaft with his mighty hand, the enemy leader stepped up with what seemed like a plaque held between his index and middle fingertips.} This sentence is quite long and seems as though it needs to be shortened. For example, where you have the 'but' begin you can start a new sentence. Although some english people think it isn't good to begin a sentence with but, it's okay to do so when writing stories and novels. For essays it isn't okay, because that needs to be more literal.

{Though their target was obviously outnumbered, the Heiress’s pursuers couldn’t help but step back with trembling legs as the rumbling of the ground grew louder with the drawing of his blade.} Although this is one of the descriptive lines I meant I liked leading up to the slaughter itself, there are a lot of adjectives in the last part of the sentence. "the Heiress' pursuers couldn't help but step back with 'trembling' legs as the 'rumbling' of the ground grew louder with 'drawing' of his blade." Maybe changing the very end to something like "couldn't help but step back with trembling legs as the rumbling ground grew louder as he drew his blade." It will talk away one of the adjectives and still keep the essence of your part.

Another thing is Heiress's should actually be Heiress' minus the s. This is considering how you already have an 's' at the end.

{Kiri, in the Temiran language, meant flag-bearer; one chosen to protect the Heir of the Heavenly One who founded the empire thousands of years ago. A flag-bearer ought to have unrivaled strength to carry the burden of the nation’s pride with one hand, the other slicing through foes like the moon’s rays that slice the darkness of night.} This was a nice and direct description of what a Kiri is. I especially liked the wings in comparison to the feet part.

{“In the end, you’re just telling me to abandon my responsibility as the Heiress? And you tell me that Ahm is weak? Isn’t the weak one you? You, the Kiri, who ran away from his people and the only woman he loves?” she replied in a way that widened Haito’s eyes, “Yes, that’s right. From the very beginning, I knew you love me, but I can also say this much now, Haito, that it is from this very beginning that I have never loved you.”} She is such a bitch... was my thoughts. But I suppose when it comes to love you are a lost vessel with a guiding compass.

Again good part... and I hope it continues on itnto the next.

~M.Stains

From the beginning of this first part it is obvious effort was put forth into this story. Perhaps even more so after you received contributing reviews of what needed to be edited.

The detailing is very nice and descriptive. The minor untold story between Dia and Haito shows the sad connection of a relationship destined to be doomed when responsibility came forth.

Overall this part to the tale was pretty nice.

The time-skip that you use for this epilogue is confusing and doesn’t seem to tie in with the story at all. Who exactly is ‘Eleanor’? Her reasons for her hatred are confusing and rather selfish sounding. You might want to consider going back and rewriting this chapter, adding more detail so that it makes more sense to the readers. As always, your detail and emotional scope are impressive, I like how you turned black into white and vice versa.

I’m looking forward to reading more from you in the future!

Tammy
Member of reviewers-found
Founder of Reviewers Kingdom

I agree with you, Eleanor's introduction was very abrubt and unrealistic, and needs more background. Also, I think Eleanor should have another name, "Eleanor" doesn't quite make it for me.

I think that you could add a couple more chapters with more background history on Haito, Dia, and of course, Eleanor.

Overall advise: Try not to be so pompous with the descriptions, it gets confusing and feels unnatural.

Toodles!