I love it!

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Great atmosphere in the beginning, the tension almost has a physical prescence. I liked that once the action started you sentences became shorter, more basic. Instills a sense of panic...
Good twist at the end there, left me in complete "WTF?" mode. The fic ended right when it needed to, wasn't drawn out or rushed in my opinion.

Could've worded it better, about the only problem I see. At some points when I was reading, I had brain farts from the way you arranged words. Still enjoyable, but you can improve.

BlackNhite out...

Hi I'm reviewing with the review marathon (the link can be found on my profile)

Hehe I loved it! The tense atmosphere you built up to the final reveal was absolutely hilarious, I thought.

In this short chapter you’ve created a character with a really vivid imagination, and the tiny clues you drop about ‘red’ as opposed to blood spattering everywhere were very clever.

‘It was hard to see in the darkness. The full moon that hung low in the sky gave out a musky yellow light – the only light source’

It’s a slight repetition of the darkness, I think I’d prefer it if you said ‘Only the full moon that hung low in the sky gave out a musky yellow light’

‘the place became lighted’ I thought that was an odd, clunky expression and I’d avoid the passive voice wherever possible, especially in an action piece.

All in all, I thought it was an amusing one-shot

You had me fooled with that kind of opening. I had images of a battlefield running in my mind. When 'you' were caught I thought this was another 'I died' story.

I was wrong.

Unexpected, entertaining. This is good for a short story.

Sweet! Okay, I have a format (oh, yes, you'd better believe it). Here goes:

Spelling and Grammar:

You say 'us' too much. After the first time, it can be implied.
'The silence between us was broken by the sound of crunching grass.'
By drawing out 'us,' you can make this sentence way stronger.


“So you’re the last one,” A deep voice said from behind me. Before I could turn around, I felt the gun prodding my back. “Goodbye,” it said to me.
--
You don't need to repeat 'it said to me.' Probably just a typo.

Style:

You're paragraph about the gunfire seems rushed. It should be the climax, slow things down, give it more emotion. Try getting into the details, and instead of using adjective and adverbs, use stronger nouns and verbs. Avoid all phrases that you have heard before and any sentence that is not strictly necessary to move the plot or develop character.

Practical:

I don't think that there would be that much blood. Even in some guy's imagination. Remember: a person only has a few pints of blood, and when they are shot, not that much actually flings out and hits stuff. The heart can gradually pump it out, but it doesn't explode from people's bodies.

Also, what is the point of this story? When the guy says 'read team wins' I thought that you would be getting at something deeper. Like, it's the future, and death for them is just a game because a wave of nuclear radiation is sweeping towards them and they're all going to die soon anyways. It gave me the chills. Then you had the bit about paintball. You had such good bone structure for this story! However tempting it is to pull a spinner ending on a story like this, it's always better to put in that extra bit of effort. Have a theme and thesis for your short story. Working around a solid idea will help you improve your writing.

What you did well:

Like I said before, you have good bone structure. The story is set up to have a beginning, middle, and end, and you definitely have your own take on war (after all, it was pretty serious until the end. That was your intention, no?). Just a bit of tweaking and some cleaning at the end, and this could be fabulous.

Respectfully yours,
Feather La
PS: Sorry for any typos or errors, this review was sort of rushed.