FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| Bi-curious George 2008-07-18 ch 1,  | abuseWELL, I am a ** of judgement (oh well), SO PREPARE TO GET CHEWED OUT!! Not really, there wasn't much to chew you out about. Except, the first 5 lines..."Sun. Moon. Earth. Sky. Air"...well for a start, 'Sky' and 'Air' are pretty similar. And secondly...guh, it's a bit cliche. Ok, it's REALLY cliche. And the "Tears welled once again in my eyes" bit was a little too mawkish for me. Maybe something like "I bit down harder on my lip" would be better? JUST A SUGGESTION. But I loved the idea! And it was quite moving...espceially when she died. And the matching bracelets part was quite touching. All in all, for your first oneshot: it was pretty good :D. And just randomly: I COULD BE A LESBIAN...I'm just missing certain body parts...*sniff*. |
| Mello 2008-02-09 ch 1, anon. | abuseNot bad for a first go eh. =]] i like it. its sweet. but sad. |