Reviews for The Sylvian Outlaws

Reviews For: The Sylvian Outlaws - Reviews: Page 1 of 17

Efreisone 2008-08-16 ch 17,	abuseLots of random points to make, here, but few major issues. Fun chapter, overall. I like that you're playing up the romance, here (although I'm pretty certain that any hopes of Arnae/Timar lovin' are shattered, at this point. Big sigh). -"Arnae would rather have been anywhere else - but she had a feeling that if she tried to give Kavour the slip and rejoin Nireem" You just broke off completely there. Was there supposed to be a hyphen, or was part of the sentence cut out? -Wouldn't it look suspicious for Kavour, a noble, to be seen walking with those in the lower class (as long as they don't appear to be waiting on him)? And they definitely would not be mistaken for a couple if Arnae's in her slave frock. Unless Kavour disguised himself, which in turn would have made it harder for everyone to recognize him. -Kavour's sudden friendliness toward Arnae is a little unnerving. It comes out of nowhere. Does he just like getting out of the castle? Or is he blurring the lines between Arnae and Adrianne a bit to much? -Dacia's personality seems a little far-fetched. Her father being absent for much of her life would make her needy, dependent, and a little childish (which she definitely is), but her materialistic attitude and painfully stereotypical Pretty Noble airs come from nowhere. If she didn't grow up at the castle, how did that personality develop? Her father seems like a decent guy, and his absence would probably make her strive for his approval (and therefore his attention). So she should have ended up being a mostly good person, because no one is simply born a jerk. Maybe there's more to this story? And maybe it has something to do with a certain Lord Marcus...? -How does the week's lineup work, in comparison to ours? As in, Lunesday (sp?) corresponds with Monday, but what about the others? -Your wording gets a bit dull towards the end of the chapter. One segment goes chilly, colder, coolly, cold in terms of adjectives. And yes, I am being dreadfully picky. Sorry. -Why does Arnae get mad at Kavour after he literally comes to her rescue? It's pointless. Where is the "Holy **! Thank you, Superman," and the outlandish makeou-- I mean, uh, tears of joy? I am, however, glad that you didn't have her beat down the thugs easily. It would have been unrealistic for her to overpower them after only a few months of training. It's equally good that Kavour didn't take them on, either, or the damsel-in-distress thing would be a little infuriating.
Efreisone 2008-08-15 ch 14,	abuse"Run over to you, like so-" -he mimed a deranged lunatic hurling himself toward the object of his affection- "grasp your hand winningly, get down on bended knee, and say, 'From the moment we met, you have captivated my heart."" Seriously. Your hair is like carrots left to ripen in the sunlight? You're killing me, here. Timar is way too good to just be comedic backup. On a more critical note, I really hope this isn't going to be one of those wish-fulfillment stories where every male character is falling all over himself to stick his tongue down Arnae's throat. You've already made the impression that all the men are really, really ridiculously good-looking (Or maybe that is just because I've been watching the Olympics all week, and it's severely hindering imagination, which is entirely plausible. But anyway, points if you understood the obscure movie reference!), so I'm worried that you're going to fall into that trap. On the subject of Harry Potter connections, The Mysterious Room always reminds me of that magic room the DA met in in the fifth book. The Kavour-Snape connection feels kind of baseless, though. Everyone is always laying the smack down on Arnae for speaking out of turn (instead of "when spoken to"), but all those alleged offenses happened when she was actually being spoken to directly. Irksome. The royals need to get a new line.
Efreisone 2008-08-15 ch 13,	abuseDidn't see that coming at all. Branic has really never done anything to make me suspect he was warm for Arnae's form. Honestly, the total lack of signals made me think he was batting for the other team. Which, actually, would have been fun. Gays aren't too common in fantasy, from what I've seen, and it would have been a nice change of pace. I'm a little ticked that Arnae completely demolished Branic right there, though. Like his emotions have absolutely no weight to her. And then the whole thing immediately blows over, and it's like it never even happened. There's no obvious resentment on Branic's part. There's no awkwardness between the two. Arnae doesn't go out of her way to avoid Branic. It seems like there was no point to the scene other than to narrow down the list of potential romantic partners. Unless it ties in to a major part of the story later, you might be better off removing it entirely and throwing in an "I love him. LIKE A BROTHER!" comment. Jasperian is a total user, so he's out of the race, IMO. And interaction with Timar is so very, very limited. What with the dueling/hating/bickering/competitiveness, my bet is now on Kavour to hook up with Arnae. Sexual tension, you vex me so. And I guess it had to happen. The switch, I mean. (HUGE SIGH.) At least it's better than her turning out to be the actual princess, switched at birth by some devious uncle, or something. But this means Duncan's going to be putting the moves on her, and can I just say EEW.
Efreisone 2008-08-15 ch 12,	abuseYou've probably already decided on the romancing, but I vote Arnae/Timar. He's hilarious, and I like my men funny. Also, he keeps catching her when she falls. That's got destiny written all over it. But I'll settle for Jasperian. I really don't have much to say about these last two chapters. The fight/chase/rescue in chapter 11 was a bit confusing. And the fight in chapter 12 felt a little unnecessary (though entertaining all the same). I doubt that after getting chased around the castle, the first thing that Arnae would want to do is fight. Plus, wasn't she just freaking over accidentally decking a noble in the face? What lapse in logic made her challenge Kavour to a DUEL? As for Arnae looking like Adrianne... please, please, PLEASE tell me you're not going to do that whole OMG SHES ACTUALLY TEH PRINCESS LOLZ thing. Seriously. The slave-turned-royal cliche needs to die a slow, torturous death.
Efreisone 2008-08-15 ch 10,	abuse"A soft "Sh!" from ahead (Nireem), and the candle went out suddenly, dousing them in darkness. Moments later, an old woman stepped into view... "You were right, Nireem," Branic said, goggling." If they were doused in darkness, how could they see the Dowager? And I think you meant "giggling," not "goggling." Although a guy giggling is sort of questionable. As for your A/N, I like this under "Fantasy." Arnae's reaction to The Mysterious Room is a little forced. No one seems to question why Branic can't see the door- they just accept that he can't and move on. The riddle was ridiculously lame, but in a good, fun way. I'm not explaining this very well, but suffice to say: Keep it. My only question is why Timar would tell Arnae about it when he barely knew her- she, Branic, or Nireem could be spies. I loved how you ended the chapter. It's realistic that Arnae would stay hopeful, because she's responsible for Miranda's punishment- she wants to put off the guilt for as long as she can. It's also realistic (though unfortunate) that her hopes would be crushed mercilessly. Sadly, I feel that you avoided making it too gritty. The scene could have been a lot more powerful if the descriptions weren't so vague. "Blows" and "screams" were the extent of it, and I was focused more on Arnae than Miranda. I couldn't really picture what was happening, so the sympathy factor was really low.
Efreisone 2008-08-15 ch 8,	abuseGlad to see that Arnae is embracing her inner biyatch. The story is quickly improving! Alas, I still have things to pick at: Your transitions in these last few chapters are confusing me quite a bit. In one scene, Arnae and Branic are talking, then suddenly he's gone, she's throwing her knife, and he comes in and catches her. Then in this chapter, Arnae has just left Fayanne in the middle of the night, but then she's eating lunch and Timar slams his tray down next to her. I'm guessing you had scene dividers that FP cut out, but that's something you should consider fixing. You're not very clear about what's ailing Anonymous Princess (does she have a name? Maybe I just missed it). I understand that she's got some kind of leg injury, what with the 'cripple' references and the limping, but it's all very fuzzy. Does she have some kind of prosthetic? Was she born with a deformed leg? Was it a result of the Vaguely Atrocious Incident That Happened Eight Years Ago? I'll assume for now you're purposely leaving this for a later chapter.
Efreisone 2008-08-14 ch 5,	abuseFirst-time reviewer. I'm a little iffy about this story. I like the plot, I like the banter, and I love every and all kinds of fantasy, so that's three things you've got going for you. Plus, there's romance, which you can never go wrong with in my book. But! There's always a 'but.' I'm seriously concerned with Arnae's character. She's more than a little Mary Sue-ish at this point. Hopefully you've fixed that in later chapters, but so far she's got a saintly, holier-than-thou thing going on (she sits with Nireem on the first day, she out Ambria, etc.). She has absolutely no recognizable faults, aside from mild stubbornness and clumsiness, which IMO don't count. She's obviously pretty because that officer in chapter 3 was just screaming "RAPEFACE!" (and she has a Pretty Girl complex to boot, as she's never self-conscious). She has a horrendously astounding memory (she remembered which tiles squeaked? Honestly?). She doesn't have any quirks or idiosyncrasies, and she gets along with pretty much everyone. The list goes on, but the main point I'm trying to make is that Arnae just doesn't feel like a real person. She is an android. Arnae needs to not be perfect- she needs a slightly crooked nose or a habit of swearing. She needs to make bad decisions, and she needs to get caught when she hides. She, at the very least, needs to be a total every now and then. Everyone has flaws, and they are desperately begging to be shown. That said, I wouldn't be reviewing if I didn't like the story (See? Compliments! Be happy.). But I think you can do better. I probably sound like I'm just stabbing you repeatedly, but you're obviously a good writer, and as that is rare for FP, I'm going to do what I can to make you better. (If you've massively revamped Arnae's character in later chapters that I haven't read yet, then kudos to you! This should definitely be considered in a future rewrite, however.) And with that I'm going to end this hideously long review.
Ekuboryu 2008-08-14 ch 1,	abuseI enjoyed this chapter immensely. The characters and the setting held my attention, the dialog was good and you managed to mix in details about what was going on in the setting into the narration and the dialog without making them sound forced in most cases. Excellent world building. There were a few places where it struck me as slightly less natural. Mostly they cropped up in the part where they were discussing Esca and Arylla. I am sure that it will be important to the story later on. I know that concrit is good, but I can't seem to muster much else negative up for this chapter. Thats what happens when you work on something for a long time? Looking forward to reading more.
tuieri 2008-08-11 ch 18,	abusei'm interested to see where this goes. This has potential to be more than the typical slave-joins-conspiracy-to-overthrow-tyrannical-monarchy story...
auri-mynonys 2008-08-11 ch 2,	abuseHad to stop in the middle of reading the second chapter the other night, but I thought I'd finish it today and leave you some comments! I like how Arnae recognizes that Fayanne is trying to separate the slaves - beat them down so they don't even want to unite with one another. I also like how she immediately works to counteract that goal. And the branding - squick! What a great way to show how cruel these new masters are and create the slaves' identities as royal property. I'm very curious about the character you introduced at the beginning, too - Nireem. Her family history sounds fascinating, and that knife is a great prop to express her story. I found a couple of misused words here - when talking about Princess Adrianne, for instance, you said she would take the throne when she reached "majority." I'm guessing you meant "maturity"? There was another, but I don't remember precisely what it was - it was in the laundry section. Transitioning between minor events could use a little work - like the transition between Arnae getting dressed in her new uniform and then immediately going to work in the laundry. You could potentially take the opportunity to describe the pathways below the castle while they walk to the laundry, or, before they're put to work, do more description of the laundry - THEN put them to work. Overall, this is really excellent, and I'm looking forward to reading more. I'll leave you a review on chapter three when I've got the time to read it!
Twyletta 2008-08-10 ch 18,	abuseI think that Garth is asking a bit too much from her. I mean, c'mon! Killing the princess?! Now that seems impossible! I can't wait to see what happens!
SilverFloutist 2008-08-09 ch 18, anon.	abuseWow that was a surprising ending!! I thought that they would kidnap Adrianne so Arnae could switch with her, but killing her? Its getting really serious now!! I wonder how Kavour will take it when he finds out that the Sylvian Outlaws are going to murder his dear Adrianne.. Kavour's family was really interesting, and it really surprised me how he had royal blood in him.. I feel sorry for his mother, that must've been horrible, being lied to like that by that noble.. There weren't many mistakes at all in this chapter, the only one I found was here: "His eyes suddenly acquired an intense, hunted look, as though he was reliving past horrors." It should be haunted instead of hunted.. It becomes confusing with the hunted because you can have a "hunted look", but that doesn't fit this part. I can't wait to see whats going to happen next chapter! Somehow I get the feeling, Arnae will not be able to kill the princess, no matter how much she hates her. I think maybe someone else will do it instead.. Or, she will do it and someone, perhaps a noble, will find out and she'll be in deepp trouble. Update soon!
AlijaS117 2008-08-09 ch 18, anon.	abusewow! i really wasn't expecting that, ill the princess! but won't gareth find out that Arnae is pretending to be the princess if she were to kill the princess?
Mariella Hunt 2008-08-09 ch 18,	abuse(Arnae chuckled mirthlessly. "They would. It happened once – back at the village where I grew up. One of the ones who was hanged was –" She swallowed. "- he was a little older than you: a year, maybe. They caught his father when he was ferrying some escaping slaves across the river." "The princess?" Arnae repeated, nonplussed. "I've never met her, but I've seen her. She seemed –" Pathetic. Spoilt. "- a little cruel, rather useless, and more interested in painting than in ruling a country. She – " (Arnae thought back to the princess' argument with Kavour.) "- I don't think she cares about Arylla at all, at least not as much as a queen should. She puts her own happiness first, which I suppose makes her... dangerous.") These two paragraphs... kinda awkward. I'm gonna try to rephrase them, but you can tweak them as best you want to match your own writing style: The first one... I'd do it as: "Arnae chuckled mirthlessly. "They would. It happened once, back at the village where I grew up. One of the ones who was hanged was–" She swallowed. "He was a little older than you -- a year, maybe. They caught his father when he was ferrying some escaping slaves across the river."" For the second, I would say: "The princess?" Arnae repeated, nonplussed. "I've never met her, but I've seen her. She seemed..." Pathetic. Spoilt. "A little cruel, rather useless, and more interested in painting than in ruling a country. She..." (Arnae thought back to the princess' argument with Kavour.) "I don't think she cares about Arylla at all, at least not as much as a queen should; she puts her own happiness first, which I suppose makes her... dangerous." That's all I could catch... sentences that break off suddenly like that are kinda hard. I still envy your writing style... lol. Good job.
fantasywriter22 2008-08-08 ch 18,	abuseSo, I was finally able to get my hands on a book and it was the 4th and final book or Twilight, Breaking Dawn and it was magnificent. So if you haven't read it yet, you really should. I just finished it today, which made it really convienent for me to read you next chapter! Woot! Not to mention yesterday was my final day of band camp and my brother, who I haven't seen in close to 5 years came to town today. So today just played out very well. And now I will read review and correct. :) I still forget that Karvour is young...I always need to remind myself of this and that Arnae is older than I always think. I don't think that has anything to do with you or that it is bad or anything. I also want to say that I thought I might be disappointed in your writing after reading a really good book, but I definatly am not! You have great writing skills! leaving behind him a fuming Arnae. -I think 'leaving behind a fuming Arnae' would sound better. (Oh and btw, the whole claustraphobia situation. I know I keep mentioning it but in Twilight she kept mentioning the same things over and over, I was slightly put off by it, but it deff didn't make me put down the book.) I also love the fact that you have so many emotional complicatons with your characters. It something I could never do. I think you should make it none that Jana left the room when Anges, Coral, and Arnae were fighting. I was always waiting for her to cut in. "What if I'm not part of the Sylvian Outlaws?" she asked. "What if I'm a spy sent by the nobles to figure out all I can about the rebels, and you just gave away one of its principle members?" -I love this! Very clever! I spill my deepest secret, and he forgets in the space of two weeks. -She likes him for sure now. And he is right up their with Timar for me...so they could get together and I would be happy. Jasperian would not have forgotten. -Uggh! Arnae, forget about him! I will make up a question for you to ask me. Was the hanging scene legit? Yes it was! I liked it alot. It had the right pace and feel about it. Good job. I hope you have fun with moving and I hope you update soon. :)

Return to Top