   thx4allthefish 2008-02-20 . chapter 5So... pretty nice story you have here. I like it; the connection with real history, but altered. It makes it more interesting.
Enough with the compliments :)
1st Chapter:
"only one who cared enough to risk a cold for her young one" - obviously you've never been a mother. Unless they're all unfeeling and cold, I doubt this would happen. They constantly expose themselves to infectious diseases when comforting their children, even today (i.e. chicken pox, red eye; much worse than colds). If you want her to be the only one outside, make up a different situation, like she was called outside by the soldiers.
"horrible retribution" - "blown to bits by your cannons" personality shift there; first she's terrified of the soldiers, next thing you know she's back talking them.
"Even though he sported a dignified, iron helmet, he was still sopping wet." We can assume this... unless normal helmets are the size of an umbrella?
"The soldier didn’t answer her question, but responded nonetheless" That happens to be an answer, though a rather unsatisfying one for the mother... it's still an answer.
"Some six months now" is how long the mother took to become fluent, if rather haltingly, in Cuabone. And yet her son doesn't know any? That doesn't make sense; where'd she learn it, then? Wouldn't she educate her son because she didn't want the same "horrible retribution" that you alluded to earlier?
The whole dialog between the soldier and the kid makes it sound like there isn't any translation going on when the kid answers the soldier... just clarify that a little bit. (i.e. Ms. Dooley didn't have time to breathe a sigh of relief after translating for the soldier)
"this affected this" - You mean this affected them?
"The emperor was my true father" - you mean he's not anymore? ;) present tense.
QUICK GRAMMAR LESSON! (I know you've been waiting for this) "He got no response, and was quickly wrenched away, through the town’s winding paths, and there he saw a giant caravan, covered with a canvas and with what should be an entrance, but instead was just a large piece of board." First comma should be deleted. Only have a comma when there are two nouns and two predicates joined by a conjunction (and, but, nor, so, for, yet). "and was quickly wrenched away" has no subject, so there isn't a comma. Second comma shouldn't be there either... because there's no reason why it should. Fourth comma shouldn't be in there either because that isn't an appositive phrase or anything. About the whole "with what should be an entrance, but instead was just a large piece of board" part: So it was an entrance, or not? Since it is (given that they go through it a sentence later), take out the "what should be". Also, a "piece of board" - just call it a board, please. We assume it's not a tree or something like that. So now we have "He got no response and was quickly wrenched away through the town’s winding paths, and there he saw a giant caravan covered with a canvas with a board across the entrance." Personally I think that the connection between the two sentences is rather awkward, but that's just my opinion. Do what you will.
Why was the mother translating if the soldier knows enough of the local language to understand "What's going on?" and answer correctly? And how did he suddenly get impeccable grammar?
2nd Chapter:
Putting the later one first is rather awkward; look at the tense shift (or not shift, as the case may be) You're using the same tense to describe both what happened in the past and later on i.e. "were now in the household of"... well it wasn't really NOW, it was THEN, which is now but is then because it is past but... see what I mean about awkwardness?
"that nothing could do them harm." Not quite sure that was exactly the phrasing you were looking for... heck if standing made people seemingly invincible, America would have a lot less couch potatoes.
"scorned one of the soldiers softly" Somehow, they don't seem the type to do anything softly.
THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU for being one of the only people who actually puts in little separators during a time lapse. You're one of the few who understand how truly frustrating that is.
"the first words of his lifelong adventure" Actually I believe the first words were either "Hello", "What's going on", or "H-hi". I know you want to emphasize his name, but that's a little too much.
Again with the language, Rayenna has been under Cuabone rule for 4 years. His parents are fluent, and people are afraid of speaking in their native tounges. How did he NOT learn Cuabone in the four years that his parents did?
3rd Chapter:
Too many commas in that first sentence...
"This went on for two days." How the HECK did Necery survive that long if it was only a two-days ride by caravan away from the capital?! And it took them 4 years to get there and conquer it, not to mention the other campaigns beforehand? If you build an empire, you go for what's closest to home first (and I would know that because I've built an empire before)(that was me making fun of myself, if you didn't get that, but the point still holds).
Most of the time that you're using colons you should be using semi-colons; colons are usually reserved for introducing lists.
"wide, flat plane" should be "wide, flat plain"
So.. with descriptions. Try to avoid "There were/there was/he had" So instead of "He had olive skin, standing out fantastically against a regally silk white shirt", you could easily make it more of an action with "His olive skin stood out fantastically (note: I don't like this word use here) against a regally silk white shirt."
"He was very tall" No "very"s. No. Bad. Bad bad bad. Or "really"s, or "extremely"s. If you want to put one of those in, find a better adjective.
Having everyone talking at the same time in different languages is like having six different conversations going on and picking out one to follow. It's a little difficult.
"Distant relatives of yours may have been a janissary" - agreement - you go from plural to singular. It needs to be either "distant relatives... been janissaries" or " a distant relative... been a janissary"
" The extra – the fourth one – will be removed while you are at supper", however "two beds, two desks, and two dressers, while the smaller one had one bed, one desk, and one dresser" adds up to 3 beds. And plus, if you meant to have four beds in it in the first place, the two rooms would probably have been equal in size.
4th Chapter:
"time dwindled on" Wrong word. If something dwindles, it gets less and less. If time dwindles, it generally implies an air of urgency and that time is running out.
"Sure, he had known others with personalities that stood out, knew these boys from Necery, but in a way Mateo could predict those traits, could see which boy fell into which role in the group of friends, because they all shared similar upbringings, because their parents knew each other and shared tips on childrearing." That is a sentence with too many dependent clauses in it. Shorten it or split it up.
"Lazarus, for instance, had a habit of telling someone a longwinded, detailed story several times over; he talked longer than people wanted him to; he kept his bed and his things messy and strewn about haphazardly." Just use commas instead of semi-colons; the only time that you use more than one semi-colon in a sentence is if you're doing a list (i.e. If you say "I saw Jim, the guy with the glasses, John, the guy with red hair, and Joe, the guy in the red shirt" is sounds like there are 5 people. If you say "I saw Jim, the guy in the glasses; Jon, the guy with red hair; and Joe, the guy in the red shirt" it is obvious that there are only 3 people). Here you can just use commas and put an "and" before the last item in the list.
"voice that sounded as though it came from Hagian" How would they know how to pinpoint where a voice came from? Is Hagian the only place where a good education is possible?
At this point in time, I'm willing to bet $1,0,0 that Rayenna is a girl. If he is, be careful. Don't turn this story into a cliche.
Chapter 5:
"Never attack an unarmed foe" Unless they're actually masters in hand-to-hand combat, in which case you will have to attack them to prevent sudden death from a blow to the back of the neck. Maybe more of a "show mercy" or a "attack only if attacked"
"a piece of parchment and a piece of chalk" Chalk is an interesting choice of material for writing on parchment; I would have chosen charcoal or ink instead.
Grammar notes:
1. You tend to use too many commas. Make sure they're actually supposed to be there (I have the same problem).
2. You actually know what a comma is, which is a big improvement over a lot of other stories on this site.
3. You use colons a lot instead of semi-colons.
Don't get me wrong; I really do like this story. Making up new worlds is one of the hardest parts of writing, mainly because of the sheer complexity of life. Your characters are developed, though you will have to watch to make sure they don't get stereotypical.
The best part of this is how you handled the "good" and "bad" magic. Too many times fantasy is between the good and bad sides that are divided by a black line. By blurring these lines in the magic, you've alluded to the reality that "good" and "bad" are just opinions. Keep it up. |
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