|Reviews for The Tale of the Broken Umbrella|
| Kneecap 3/30/09 . chapter 11
'Agreeable' is a very 19th century word...
"“Do you want noodles?”" - that line was excellent. It was just...very Luke-like. Trying to gloss over the awkward situation.
You're a bit of a whore for rain, aren't you?
"“Paraphrasing General McArthur: I’m not running away, I’m just advancing in another direction!”" - I have a friend who gyps him so bad. Ah, the Korean war...
I love how agressive Selena is xD. Though I must admit that you choose some of the most unlikely names ever...
I have seen so many typos that mine eyes overfloweth. THE NEXT CHAPTER HAD BETTER BE PROOFREAD.
Yeah, my review for this chapter was a little lame. But that's probably 'cause this chapter was more dialogue driven than your usual chapters. Which mostly consist of ye paragraphs of LENGTH. I must say, you certainly do keep a lot of secrets about the characters hidden away. I envisage this being substantially longer :D particularly since Knight still hasn't crashed back (in an oh-so-not-expected way) into Luke's life yet B. So, next chapter squeezle ( please)?
| Kneecap 3/30/09 . chapter 10
"Mr Glover" - makes me think of Goodwife Glover...from the 1688 witch trial imminently before the Salem Witch Trials O_O. Well, imminently meaning 4 year before...
Some of your paragraphs are so immense I worry they'll come alive and eat me.
"He sighed and mumbled intelligibly to himself" - I think you meant 'unintelligibly'?
Tess of the D'Urbervilles, huh? Mr. Hathers has taste. I loves him.
"A mourn, drizzly late Marsh day"...what?
"throw his hair." - ever heard of proof-reading? Try it sometime.
"they were all forever-present within me, like a sleeping poison in my veins." - that made me think of Shakespeare for some reason.
"Mitril" - mithril. MITHRIL.
"I will spot thinking" - -.-
"“Fine. But remember that avoiding the issue won’t solve it!”" - xD
"pleasure like a swamp, like quicksand." - this one of your chat-up lines, aye?
Angsty Luke and controlling parents? Indeed.
I loved the final sentence of the chapter. The "He stood outside in the cool Marsh drizzle, breathing in deeply and feeling as though this was the first real deep breath he’d taken in a long, long time." - but, do you mean 'March' or 'Marsh'?
| Kneecap 3/30/09 . chapter 9
"eating in a way that was so neat and clean it made the process look more like some sort of clinical operation rather than a mere social convention." - I like.
"Her tone was like stone." - internal rhyme? Oh, you minx. You know what I like.
Something tells me Galen's being affectionate with Luke just to annoy his Mumsicle.
"I looked down. The look his mother was fixing him with seemed piercing enough to slit through ivory." - how did he see that if he was looking down? Maybe switch those two sentences around?
I like how Luke actually gave his own interpretation of Galen being a nasty bitch to his Mum. I think I agree with him. Me no like Galen now.
"our breaths hanging in ethereal ghosts in front of our faces before we walked through them, the streets empty and silent but for the occasional distant rush of a car driving through a nearby street." - je l'aime.
"I waned tell him I didn’t think he was as trash a she mad it sound." - I think we can both see what's wrong here.
"I wanted to ask him whether he realised that if he could hurt so much, it was because she loved him…" - I love his little insights though. I really do.
"Outside, the wind was blowing the rain of thawing winter against the window, but on the other side of the glass panel it was warm, and cosy, the air perfumed with the mingled scents of incense sticks and coffee." - tres beau.
"Luke with his face turned towards Knight in the same way a flower turns towards the light." - flowers are my life. I loved that.
"“Putting it as poetically as a non-poetic person possible can" 'y' not 'e'.
Caroline's kind of lovely. I like her.
"‘Because I could not stop for death, He kindly stopped for me. The carriage just held ourselves, and—”
“—immortality,”" - EMILY DICKINSON. EMILY DICKINSON. EMILY DICKINSON. EMILY DICKINSON. EMILY DICKINSON. OMG. MY LIFE. Though I think it's meant to be 'the carriage held but just ourselves'...you missed out the 'but'.
"naked trees stretching their skinny branches like veins towards the sky" - :D
" Besides, there was something curiously agreeable about the numbing cold, a little like being anesthetized, looking at the world without being distracted by the body…" - you're only a couple of steps away from turning into Jane Austen.
I liked the last sentence of the chapter though :). Sweetness.
| Kneecap 3/26/09 . chapter 8
Talk about awkward conversations with your parents o_O.
I'm undecided as to whether or not Galen is a psychotic, nut-fiddling pervert, or just psychotic.
Galen's not the subtlest...
OMG, I HAVE LOOKED AT THE FAILURE OF THIS REVIEW, AND BEEN LIKE 'YOU SUCK'. (to myself, of course, but you're welcome to as well, if you like).
My only excuse is that it's too late...I'll review more tomorrow-ish...night!
| Kneecap 3/26/09 . chapter 7
That opening device was cute. I thought I'd hate it. I was wrong. Neville Chamberlain wrong.
THE WORD IS 'SEAT', NOT 'SIT'. DON'T MAKE ME TAKE A PADDLE TO YOU.
I am liking your bummage of the weather, particularly the rain. the link to the rain and the metaphorical umbrella is not lost on me :).
"He needed a haircut." - I like his blunt honesty and the fact your characters don't all look perfect
| Kneecap 3/26/09 . chapter 6
"The streets were empty, silent but for the wet sigh of rain as it fell, hitting the tiles of roofs, the bricks of walls and the concrete of the street, sliding down the lampposts to pool in the cracks of the pavement, reflecting the murky blue early morning sky and the dirty depressing orange glow of the lampposts." - you know of my secret shame.
Beware of repeating words within the same sentence! Particularly verbs: "Mrs Lucas lived only fifteen minutes away from where I lived"
Jo is...a ho. Jo-ho? He's a bit mean D: But I like how he's 3-D and not just a moody bitch :D I get the feeling he does secretly care.
Music in nature! Sehr pretty. However: "Knight used to have a dog, before I knew him. His dog died." - wow...ow. Nice use of bathos there!
"Inside, it was warm, silent with this particular brand of silence that can only be found in libraries" - like a womb...
You have a lot of very mixed characters in here (i.e. the librarian): I likes it! I like the variation :D. I want MOAR.
I love Helen
| Kneecap 3/26/09 . chapter 2
The disclaimer and author's notes at the end probably account for about a fifth of the chapter length O_O.
I love how you've named the chapters 'etude', which is French for 'study', right? As in, the noun? And it's what you call pieces of music aussi, non? C'est tout bon.
If there's one thing I can't complain about, it's your characterisation. You're always very backed up on your character's personalities, and they're never sketchy! :D
I'm not sure what was up with that woman who gave Luke the apple pie. Something tells me she was either scared of him, or embarrassed to be seen near him. I like how you didn't state it specifically though :). I like being given a bit of space for my own interpretations.
However, there are a few instances - I lie, there are a lot - where you speak with abstractions. Which is not good. Not good at all. Abstractions being where you state an emotion rather than showing it through a character's actions. In short: it's just cooler to be without them, d'accord?
| Kneecap 3/26/09 . chapter 1
I should have reviewed this before, but clearly, being the failure that I am, I...didn't? SO HERE GOES.
I know you're writing in a neo-classical style, and those kind of characters speak in metaphors but...do YOU use casual similies in speech? DO YOU? I can see why you used 'Broken Umbrella' (title link much?) but it probably would have been better used an an angsty musing to himself.
However, I do quite love the twist, which happens EARLY ON :D. In terms of character description though...I maybe loved? Shh. Next chapter!
| Kneecap 3/11/09 . chapter 5
"I smile, and throw my arm out like I used to do every morning before my fist hit Knight’s face." - tbh, that's probably why Knight doesn't love him. Boyf beater *shakes head* honte sur toi.
SORT OUT YOUR TENSES. Present or past: choose one, NOT BOTH AT THE SAME TIME.
And now Galen is speaking in imperatives! J'aime ca. Also, it's patently obvious you don't proofread. And it is not cool. Not cool at all.
Galen really fits the profile of a murderer. I do quite like the last half of this. You're creating an air of mystery around Galen, and he's becoming quite the recluse.
I shall read on some other day! And leave other, worse reviews!
| Kneecap 3/11/09 . chapter 4
Too tired to write a proper review...so this is just a general 'meh'.
So much angst in one place...so much. I can barely breathe. Like many things, angst is acceptable in moderation. Overuse detracts from sympathy.
And I don't want to be mean...but I just find it so difficult to believe that Luke could think all of those things and just ignore the world at the same time. Like being surprised when he's somewhere he wasn't last time he looked up. I don't know, maybe I'm just being too sceptical.
Also, the dialogue has...moments of unreality. “Come on… if you carry on looking so empty you’re going to fade away…” does anyone ever speak so metaphorically in real life? Je ne pense pas.
And KNIGHT...WITH THE LICKING OF THE FINGERS...I would probably shudder and run. That is so not romantic! It is creepsterish!
But otherwise, I am enjoying it xD. I just can't pick out good parts atm 'cause I'm tired and grouchy.
| Kneecap 3/11/09 . chapter 3
"“I don’t get why you’re still coming here. You’re probably far better than Caroline" - *Shakes his head* oh Jack. You fail. You fail so bad.
And just to summarise the last couple of chapters: How does one survive on one meal a day for a year? I'm pretty sure you'd be dead within a few months.
After all the fuss you made about his piano lessons, I was at least expecting you to spend more than a few lines on it! WTH WAS THAT? SKIMPY, THAT'S WHAT I CALLS IT. Anti-Climax D: D: D: D: D:
Beware! Your grammar has occasional moments of suckiness. Here I am referring to your abuse of commas. Heard of a semicolon? Try one someday.
I do love your actual descriptions, I just think they'd benefit from...being less grouped together? I ragged you about that before, so I guess you know what I mean xD.
Spread-eagled, pas 'cross-eagled'. *Shakes head with sadness*.
Also, let us not get carried away with overly-romantic sentences. "Luke nodded earnestly and thought to himself that for him the only music that would ever really touch his soul would always be the sound of Knight’s voice". Yes, I appreciate the irony - dramatic, even - of the line, but its so...overly sugary.
He would just wander into the middle of a road unknowing, huh? *SARCASM*
This has a good plot, and a fluent writing style. Even with all of Luke's angsting, I do feel quite sorry for him. If I wasn't so tired 'cause you KEPT ME AWAKE SO LATE LAST NIGHT - YES, YOU - I'd review more but...as it is...this'll have to do for now.
| ChickneSholay 2/26/09 . chapter 11
I just found this story and I'm thrilled I did.
Something about it grabs me.
I really like Luke even though he infuriates me at the same time. I've felt the need to reach into the story and shake him several times. I really like Galen and I'm looking froward to seeing him evolve and learn more about him, his laptop and his family. And of course to see the relationship between him and Luke grow.
I'm curious to see if you will bring Knight back in and if you do then I'm looking forward (in a sick sadistic kinda way) to seeing the turmoil that will cause.
Love your story and hope to see it continued!
| BrdomIsTheDvl 2/14/09 . chapter 5
“You’re late for work. Do you want to sue my phone to call them so they don’t worry?”
XDD Is that even possible?
| Fighter 2/14/09 . chapter 11
This is a good story and you should continue to write it, and I hope you will. Will be stopping by to look for updates. :)
| fairies and snapple 1/22/09 . chapter 11
Poor Luke. His screwy life just made him so... well, Galen's totally right. And I just want him to see it and snap out of it and be a stronger person! I hope he realizes he can't run away like he ran away from home, from Knight. But what went wrong? In the flashbacks, Knight seems so sweet and Luke seems so happy. What happened to them? What happened between Galen and his mother?
On a personal note, I hope things are going better between you and your dad. I'm sorry, if you know what I mean. Hm, last updated in October... if you still need advice, and it's not too weird to give advice to someone you've never actually, you know, met or anything, feel free! I may seem like a ditz (I may be a ditz), but nonetheless...
I just really want to fix everyone.
Please update soon! And be happy.