Reviews for The Community of the Shifters

Reviews For: The Community of the Shifters - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Mariella H. 2008-02-12 ch 30,	abuse“Loud.” Rodney stated as John said: “Quietly.” ~ “Loud,” Rodney stated, just as John said, “Quietly.” “Take John’s place, I’m going to need help carrying Laborc and you’re a much better warrior than him.” ~ “Take John’s place. I’m going to need help carrying Laborc, and you’re a much better warrior than him.” The jump of a month, the time of the recovering of the injuries, confused me at first. You should find a way to divide it from the rest of the chapter.
Mariella H. 2008-02-12 ch 29,	abuseHe now knew how easy it was for Jacoby to lose ` 'was' should be 'had been' to my old room. My heart shattering ~ to my old room, my heart shattering
Mariella H. 2008-02-12 ch 28,	abuseI still felt strange being here alone; even though ~ ; becomes , =( This chapter almost made me cry... good job.
Mariella H. 2008-02-10 ch 26,	abusesomewhat panic ~ Flip these words. "Panic somewhat."
Mariella H. 2008-02-10 ch 25,	abuseLaborc’s anger snapped, causing him to attack Steven. ~ This can be phrased better with more detail as to the emotions. Maybe he lunged at Steven? If so you should write it. I sighed deeply, ‘here it comes’. “Well what?” ~ 'I sighed deeply. Here it comes. “Well what?”' "Here it comes" should be in italics. if there was any doubt what-so-ever within me ~ "if there was any doubt within me whatsoever." now that Steven was dead; Lynn would be able to sleep better at night. ~ replace ; with , Closing his eyes again, Laborc wrapped his arms around Lynn. Grateful she still cared for him after everything he had put her through. ~ Should be a whole sentence so replace the period after Lynn with a comma. “You know we can’t wait that long, besides using our child as a bargaining chip is not right.” ~ “You know we can’t wait that long. Besides, using our child as a bargaining chip is not right.”
Mariella H. 2008-02-10 ch 24,	abusestare up at Laborc. Who stood silently ~ stare up at Laborc, who stood silently appearing horrified. ~ looking horrified.
Mariella H. 2008-02-09 ch 23, anon.	abuse“I’m fine; it’s just getting harder and harder to go up and down the stairs again. ~ “I’m fine. It’s just getting harder and harder to go up and down the stairs again. I whispered softly, before pushing myself away from the window and turned around to face Laborc. ~ I whispered softly, before pushing myself away from the window and turning to face Laborc.
Mariella H. 2008-02-07 ch 18,	abusewho admitted to me he was a spy. ~ who had admitted to me that he was a spy.
Mariella H. 2008-02-07 ch 17,	abuse“We need to have a discussion, Lynn. A private one and no it’s not a good one.” ~ “We need to have a discussion, Lynn. A private one. And no, it’s not a good one.”
Mariella H. 2008-02-07 ch 16,	abuse“Come out; come out, wherever you are, Laborc.” ~ “Come out, come out, wherever you are, Laborc.”
Mariella H. 2008-02-07 ch 15,	abuseuntil something struck the door. ~ If that sound was the chair breaking, 'struck' doesn't fit. "Crashed into the door" would sound better. and pulled her against him. Desperately fighting ~ Replace period with comma. “Well whatever caused the change in him; it’s affecting his and Lynn’s relationship... ~ “Well whatever caused the change in him, it’s affecting his and Lynn’s relationship... Either to make certain he made it to Rodney and Kass’s ok, or to make certain he was actually leaving their house, Jacoby wasn’t certain. ~ Whether to make certain he made it to Rodney and Kass’s okay or to make certain he was actually leaving their house, Jacoby wasn’t sure.
Mariella H. 2008-02-05 ch 14,	abuse...You’re hurting us not him.” ~ ...You’re hurting us, not him.”
Mariella H. 2008-02-05 ch 13,	abuse...against him. Glad that I wouldn’t be stuck in that form... ~ "...against him, glad that I wouldn’t be stuck in that form..."
Mariella H. 2008-02-04 ch 12,	abuseThey should be safe enough there until she awoken. ~ They should be safe enough there until she woke. “We need to leave Lynn, it’s not safe here... ~ Comma after 'leave.'
Mariella H. 2008-02-04 ch 11,	abuseCould be…actually I wouldn’t doubt it... ~ "Could be… actually, I wouldn’t doubt it..." Sighing, I lie out on the couch and close my eyes, it wasn’t even noon yet. ~ "Sighing, I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes. It wasn’t even noon yet." I still didn’t know what they were doing down there, it’s been too long since I’ve lived there, but whatever it was, was big. ~ I still didn’t know what they were doing down there. It’d been too long since I’d lived there. But whatever it was was big. ...Most of us are very patient, there are, however, a few exceptions.” ~ ...Most of us are very patient. There are, however, a few exceptions.” ...Just remember, you said it not I... ~ Comma after 'it.' I shook my head, this... ~ I shook my head; this... “Lynn!” Was the last thing I heard, before a bleak, darkness claimed me. ~ “Lynn!” was the last thing I heard before a bleak darkness claimed me.

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