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| MoeShmo 2008-03-24 ch 1,  | abuseA strong factor of this story was the fact that the conflict began in the beginning. This will keep the reader interested. Also the fact that the conflict was unique and original was good. So far, the characters are really strong with distinct characteristics and qualities that force them to stand out in the reader's mind. I also like the fact that I can feel the narrator's confusion and pain; this will additionally make the readers more interested because they can relate to the protangonist. Since this author is really talented at describing people, I think that more describtive scenes would be an improvement. Maybe the fading house, for example. Maybe it is already deteriorating from Eric's memory? A silence during the car ride would leave open a chance to describe the change in scenery of the outside world, since he is moving to a very different part of town. However, Jeremy's apartment was described well. I don't think any more elaboration is needed. I truely believe your story has amazing potential!! My critiques are only minor, so don't feel that you NEED to change anything. I'm looking forward to any new addition you can present! Best wishes and Good Luck!! |