|Reviews for Dragon|
| Cacuu 5/3/13 . chapter 1
This seems specially my type of story.
I liked how witty the girl actually is, and how well you describe their emotions.
although this is a review game review, I feel the duty to at least read the entire chapter to review.
'tis 2 am right now, so i'm taking a break, rest assured, i'll read through this entire story, for it looks interesting.
| The Weatherwitch 10/7/11 . chapter 5
i love Emory xD
| AZsweetheart 11/27/10 . chapter 5
I like Emory,too! he's so childlike and funny, every time
I see his name I smile!
| elma 8/7/10 . chapter 5
okay. its official . I LOVE THEM!
are there any more oneshots that feature moments like this?
I wish the story continued now :(
oh- the possibilities. It could be like a never ending tv show that I would forever be tuned to.
Or it could just be a sequel. :)
| elma 8/7/10 . chapter 4
I love their banter :)
I do suppose it would be hard to follow if one hadn't read the opal fox first so I'm glad that I did . :) and i'm glad that there's an epilogue after this because i think it would feel incomplete as is..
| elma 8/7/10 . chapter 3
the dragon took her?
why is his magic unbound already :S
how much time has passed since the opal fox?
i almost thought it was just a rewrite/more in depth version of the final battle but then i realised it wasn't... ah
okay, besides the fact that i don't get exactly why they're doing what they are doing and how that ties in with the opal fox , the action is really good :) and the twists and turns really keep me into the story xD
| elma 8/7/10 . chapter 2
okay I like the dragon's personality shining through :)
and so much action! fighting scenes are flow and are flawless and I love how you depict them- its so col
| waterlilies52 4/15/10 . chapter 4
oh my goodness, is Roustaive (oops, I think I may have spelled that wrong) secretly James? Or I may just be going crazy. please excuse me if that's true.
| waterlilies52 11/29/09 . chapter 5
ending was random, but hilarious. Loved the last line about Charles.
| Harmonic Discord 5/20/08 . chapter 1
I thought the flow of this chapter was a little choppy at first, not like your usual smooth style. For instance, "She looked both ways as she backed towards the fence dividing the garden path from his personal hellhole before turning to face him." seemed a little wordy to me; I wonder if it could be broken down. That said, I like how you begin with a quote - immediately pulling us into the story and making us wonder what kind of relationship the girl and dragon have. Also liked the humor with the "seared farmerback ribs" :)
I thought the interaction between the dragon and Dielle was quite well-done and believable. Also loved the paragraph that began "He tilted slightly.." - beautiful writing. You've definitely got me hooked with this chapter... can't wait to read on!
Seeing that she was not impressed(,) he shot a line of flame towards her and watched as her eyes narrowed. - A little wordy... I wonder if you could change it to "watched her eyes narrow"?
They were watching each other’s movements closely and she was wisely staying out of his flamerange. - I think "flame range" should be two words...?
It was as she circled slightly he saw the sword hanging at her side, mostly obscured by the ridiculous layers of fabric humans wore, nevertheless it was real and it meant the brat was serious. - Run-on - two independent clauses. I think you could begin a new sentence with "Nevertheless.." or change that word to "but"
“Do you think you could tear a roof off a building? Or at least most of the roof(?)”
His tail flicked and he tried to hide it, but those glimmering eyes, the tension in her every muscle, the force of the magic she was containing, and she had a lot even for a sorceress with such a high pedigree. - I don't know whether you meant this to be a complete sentence, but it's not. If you wanted it for emphasis, you could probably leave it as a fragment; just add an exclamation at the end - like so:
"His tail flicked and he tried to hide it, but... those glimmering eyes, the tension in her every muscle, the force of the magic she was containing - and she had a lot even for a sorceress with such a high pedigree!"
“What did they do to you(,) brat?”
“(Which is) why I need the element of surprise,” she shouted
| Imalefty 3/27/08 . chapter 5
WOT! the epilogue! :D (oh, review game, by the way. XD)
i like the dialogue between dielle and the prince. :) very charming, i think.
"Well I was treated to a long talk with him this evening when I came to make sure you weren’t doing something faintly suicidal and found that you were missing" - i feel like there should be a comma or something in there... it feels a bit long or wordy or something.
"fields in the middle of the night["]" - missing an end quote. XD
oh, was that quote i just mentioned supposed to go into the next one? it seemed a bit weird... _
hahaha, what a great image... the two of them in a pillow fight in the carriage. XD
i like the guard's way of speaking... gives him character.
"the guard though[t]" - typo! :)
"Because the prince was still awake the palace was still awake..." - i wasn't really sure what you meant by this sentence (maybe i was the only one confused?)
ahahaha, the prince is definitely my favorite character. i know we kind of just met him... but he's so funny! XD he goes really well with dielle... even though they're both kind of conflicting all the time, they get along really well together (er... at least i think so. XD)
no... i wanted more background than THAT...! T_T that massive paragraph was definitely not enough for me. XD write another story if you have to. give me background! i want to know more! (demanding, i know. XD)
hahahaha, dielle's dad's reaction (well, i guess he's "dielle," too. XD) it's a typical father reaction... so funny. XD
agh, what kind of ending is THAT? (ehehe... a good one.) this wasn't THAT much more conclusive than the previous chapter! T_T i need closure! (maybe you'll make a sequel? or something like that?) i was seriously scrolling up and down like... IS THIS REALLY THE END?
i guess this really is the end. _ come ON! pff, i'm disappointed. (not really, but i have to guilt-trip you somehow. XD)
great job on this. sorry my review wasn't really all that constructive or anything... _ there wasn't really much that i could say. :)
| Bookbook 3/27/08 . chapter 5
I thought the dialogue flowed pretty well, if slightly bumpy. I didn't really like the conversations between the sorcerer and the Dielle girl. They seemed kind of weird, and didn't really put me right there with your characters. I liked the dragon-sorceress conversations, and I loved Emory's jokes and banter.
I didn't really like your characters, though. They were hard to listen to, and their names were too long (especially the Dielle girl and the sorcerer). I think if I can't remember a name after reading it half a minute ago, it isn't a good one, so the Dielle girl and the sorcerer just had too long names. Emory seemed the fullest, and the dragon. They were my favorites. The Dielle girl and the sorcerer were your biggest problems in this story.
Your writing was kind of hard to read. I found myself having to go back and check what happened in the plot. Again, the sorceress and the sorcerer caused the biggest holes.
The plot was excellent! I couldn't spot any big cliches. Your world was small but realistic. You're one of the few people I feel compelled to steal from. Must... resist...
| Distilledfx 3/24/08 . chapter 3
Well written again. I'm not reviewing for the review game this time, I just review like mad every time I write something new.
Again, as soon as I read this I was taken in until the end of the chapter. Nothing I've read has this effect so far, I hope all your stories have this because it's a gift.
Early on there were a two things I noticed,
"Have you extracted your vengeance yet?" I could be wrong but I don't think extracted it the right word.
and "Lesser creatures Are objects;" If the "Are" is being accented, you should use italics or bold or caps.
The fighting in this chapter has definitely slowed down a bit. The part about the language of dragons and humans really slid comfortably into the combat, even though Roustaive's attitude toward others was already clear. The use of the rain to reflect the darker, more serious mood worked well too, as well as being a part of the plot.
Aurelie finished her incantation, I had a hard time understanding what was happening. I imagined a big burst of colour splashing over everything and then finishing as quickly as it had began. The effect of the spell though was great, but it would have made the rest of the story boring if the effects had lasted.
Can't wait to read the next chapter, now I really don't know where this is heading. No doubt a huge showdown bigger than the other fights previous. Keep it up!
| Distilledfx 3/22/08 . chapter 2
Review game :P
First off happy easter. I had to jump on this because I wanted to read more and review game is moving fast these days.
This chapter was a lot easier to get into than the last. But same as last time once I started reading I got into a groove and read it through.
The shifting POV throughout this chapter does make it a little hard to follow, particularly when you switch to the dragon right in the middle of the battle. The writing in this is great again, but in the battle (which I get the feeling is very fast paced) the writing isn't fast enough to keep up with the action. I found myself skim reading it because I wanted to keep the momentum.
The battle itself though, was amazing. I play a lot of video games so the magic and the sword fighting side by side were right at home, and seemed just as natural in your writing. The pace is fast and while I said the switch of POV didn't flow well, it drew an amazing picture of the floor breaking open and this huge thorny plant climbing out. At the end of the fight, where it sort of hits a break, I had trouble following the action and had to read it a few times to understand how the sorcerer (forget his name) had grabbed Dielle. You set it up perfectly for another round of the fight and to hook the readers for the next chapter.
Can't wait to read the next chapter, but I might save it for the review game :P
| Distilledfx 3/19/08 . chapter 1
Ok review time.
Something about this story, or maybe I'm just tired today, was hard for me to get into. I had to read the first para a few times to let it sink in, but after that I was completely absorbed.
Your writing style reflects the the story well. There are times when I had to reread a sentence but the whole time I was submerged in the story. While there are heaps of stories on FP that have dragons and sorcerers, the game between Dielle and the dragon and the tension of the situation were powerful and had me hooked.
Descriptions were in all the right places and the words never got in the way of the story. I would say that maybe it was a little dragged out though, it seemed to take a long time for the two to come to the agreement, but in the introduction of the story, this time was well spent developing the character of the dragon (not so much Dielle, but you explain more through her actions) and not boring the readers to death.
While your storyline is a little boring (at least so far) it is so well written and interesting that it isn't cliche at all. Something about this story grabbed me and gave me the depth that I just haven't had from others I have read (except one or two :P). I think this might come from the multi-chap and the expectation of this huge battle.
I'd love to read more but I'm at work... I will have a look later to see what happens.