Reviews for Orange - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Orange - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

BeautyLiesInLovexx 2008-07-03 ch 5,	abuseI really, really like this! I like all your characters; they're so interesting and complex! Your style is fabulous. Great job!
anon 2008-06-15 ch 5, anon.	abuseYou really need to work on your dialogue. Most of it sounds contrived, especially Marcus and Emma's parents.
Harmonic Discord 2008-05-28 ch 3,	abuse“I suppose I wouldn’t know that.” She blushed and turned away. -- It took me a moment to figure out who was speaking and who was blushing. Try putting these on separate lines. I tightened my entire body and focused on remembering to breath. -- "breathe" Why do I have a feeling she likes Marcus? I liked the paragraph beginning “Same old, same old.” describing Margot's mother. It seemed really insightful. I'm getting a pretty good sense of the characters. I like how you mention Margot's father disappearing but don't really give the whole story - very mysterious. Personally, I was distracted by all the swearing in this chapter - I think in moderation, swears are all right, but too much can detract from the story. That's just my opinion.
Harmonic Discord 2008-05-28 ch 2,	abuseAgain, lots of character description in this chapter that could probably be better-revealed later, and watch those massive paragraphs! I found the part beginning "The door shut and a count of about 5 seconds passed before it opened again..." rather confusing; it took me awhile to figure out exactly what was going on. You did a pretty good job with the dialogue; it flowed well and felt fairly natural. The transition between the lunch scene and waiting after school was a bit abrupt. I think you need some kind of line divide or something. Still not entirely certain where this is going, plotwise. The beginning feels a bit slow, so far, but maybe that's just me.
Harmonic Discord 2008-05-28 ch 1,	abuseBe careful of huge paragraphs. I noticed a lot here (i.e. "I dragged my bare feet..."). They can really daunt a reader; try to break them down. I like your description for the most part, particularly "Bits of renegade grass blades and dirt stuck to my bottom digits, but I didn’t care much." You have some really novel ways of describing stuff, which makes it interesting to read. I'd be cautious, however, about going into huge descriptions of facial characteristics (with Marcus); try to incorporate it into the storyline more (like you do with the 'mother has cancer' bit). In fact, I feel like a lot of the first part of the chapter is backstory and could be more effectively (and interestingly) revealed by uncovering bits and pieces of it at a time as the story progresses. Be careful of dialogue punctuation. I noticed a lot of errors. For instance: “Hi, Margot” She replied should be: “Hi, Margot,” she replied There are some great resources online that go into this - just google "dialogue punctuation" to see what I mean. Minor details: I began to was the dishes, -- "was" should be "wash"
Narc 2008-05-28 ch 3,	abuse'The warming fog enveloped the entirety of the glass surfaces in the small bathroom that I share with Marcus.' Pretty wordy, by the time I got to the end of the sentence I couldn't remember what it was saying in the first place. It's all well and good to be poetic, but too much purple prose really slows down the story. She's in the bathroom, I don't see anything wrong with 'Fog covered the mirrors, blocking my reflection' Or something much quicker like that. You start describing your POV character here as if it was from someone else's view. It kind of distances the reader from her. Generally, people don't suddenly think 'Hmm, I think the curl in my hair is beginning to show and the harsh red is fading from my skin'. Why in the world is she bringing Addison to a house with her brother in it anyways? I don't get the impression that Marcus is the safest person to leave anyone around, much less a twelve year old girl. Again, good dialogue. You do a great job of making me feel thoroughly creeped out every time Marcus speaks without much description about him at all, which is great. I think you don't do your characters and your writing justice by using so much exposition to set up their background. Note on dialogue punctuation (I have problems with this myself). When it's part of a sentence: "I'm going," he said. When the dialogue is its own sentence: "I'm going." He left. Hope that makes sense. Also, with some of Margot's internalizations, it helps to put them on the same line as her own dialogue. For instance: "Was she pretty?" A motherfucking beauty who then went on ... Gives the impression that 'A motherfucking beauty' is referring to Margot's thoughts of Addison, because Addison was the one who just spoke. If you put that internal thought down with Margot's line, it makes more sense. You use said-bookisms in a few places where they really don't make sense. I'm not a fan of using them at all if they can be avoided, but some of that's personal preference. Here, though: "Really?" she begged I couldn't understand at all how that statement was begging in the first place. Heck, I wouldn't tag that word from Addison at all, since it's clear who's speaking. There's another really long-windeded angsty internalizatin by Margot as she takes Addison home. Short internal thoughts are good, but by doing this, you're completely pulling the reader away from the story and into a rambling that hardly seems relevant. It may be how your character is, but it hurts the writing. If all stories were written with full internal tangents, everything would be 20 pages and probably pretty boring to read. Watch tenses. "The walls were a simple shade of white and the room was ripe with musky cherries. The bed is black wood and white sheets and the wooden floor is polished to an almost ridiculous level.' An almost ridiculous level is just about the same as saying 'It was polished'. I feel like I'm getting drowned in backstory. Every person in Margot's life seems to have some tragic or semi-tragic story, and she goes into a full description of every single one. You may want to consider cutting back on that a little bit in order to put more emphasis on the parts of the characters' backstory that matter the most. You don't have to take out the fact that things exist, but maybe let it be more of a subtle thing that Margot doesn't really think about so much. That way, what she does think about has that much more of an effect. I'm still just not seeing where this is going. It probably has something to do with the fact that this isn't really my genre.
Narc 2008-05-28 ch 2,	abuseYou go really far into the tiny details. Maybe too far. Is it so important to go through the specifics of her getting ready in the morning? You could have started this chapter off with "A loud blast of pissed-off noise band woke up the nerves of myself and the entire neighborhood as I opened the door". There are a couple places where you get wordier than you need to. Such as 'woke up the nerves of myself'. It flows much better as 'woke up my nerves'. 'Abel made his typical conversation with me that contained the questions that dealt with my well being.' That says nothing that isn't already shown by the fact that his next question is 'Sleep well'. It's clearly the sort of communication that's just done out of habit, rather than actual concern. The paragraph about the high school was long and so full of high school angst that I just kept wanting to skip over it. Okay, we get it, she thinks everyone else there is morons, but you kind of beat that horse to death. Again, small numbers (usually anything less than 100) should be written out. Pretty good dialogue. You do a good job of showing the personalities of your characters so far. 'The cafeteria turned into a water hole at the Serengeti'. Nice line, there. That's all you need to give a full description of the location. I'm still at a loss for where the plot is going at this point. So far, it seems like everything is still just setting up the background and the players, but no hint of the main conflict (other than the love for the kid, who we've barely met). And she doesn't seem to be interested in acting on it at the moment. It's moving a little slow, but it looks like you're about done with the introductions.
Narc 2008-05-28 ch 1,	abuseReview Game This doesn't go with a particular chapter, so I thought I might mention it here. It doesn't help anything to say in your summary that your summary sucks. The ability to summarize your plot in a couple, brief sentences, can be a good measure of how well you know your own story. Also, self-deprecation in the summary isn't going to make people want to read it more. :) Maybe, instead of just listing the problems in this girl's life, give us an idea of what the plot is going to be about. Okay, she loves Addison. But what's the story? Is she trying to stop loving her, is she trying to find the way around the taboo? Telling us her numerous problems isn't really a plot. Your first couple chapters are so long. Whitespace is your friend. It makes the story easier to read. It helps keep the reader engaged. With long paragraphs of endless exposition, the reader has a tendency to skim. Small numbers should generally be written out. A lot of this first part is just exposition. Background information about Margot and her family that doesn't advance the plot any. It shows that you've put a lot of effort into the background, but these are things that would be better shown as part of the story. 'The bus could be heard' distances the reader from the POV character. This is first person. Saying 'I could hear the bus' is much more fluid and brings the reader's perception closer to the character's. 'The bus came into view and dragged itself to a complete stop.' How does a bus drag itself? Twelve seems awfully old to have a babysitter, to me. I expected it to be much worse than that. You drop back into exposition again about Addison. It's just so out of place and really slows down the story. It would really help things to incorporate this information into things that actually advance the plot. It really isn't so important that we know all the specifics of Addison's background at this moment. I like Margot's internal dialogue. She hates her own feelings. Maybe a little too much swearing (isn't the point of swearing to be vocalized in the first place?) So much lumped together in giant paragraphs toward the end of the chapter again. In all honesty, it makes it painful to read. The brother was ... damn creepy. I have to admit, this isn't really my sort of thing, so I'll apologize in advance that I'm probably going to focus more on the smaller details and the writing style.
soojinyeh 2008-05-27 ch 3,	abuseMARCUS WITH ADDISON?! OH FUCK NO! SOMEONE KILL HIM! NOW! hmm...Addison knows Margot is a lesbian? "lice-stuffed cunt face" THAT IS FUCKING GREAT! I'M GONNA CALL SOMEONE THAT ONE DAY! She doesn't do threesomes?! why not?! It can be fucking great when you have the right people!
soojinyeh 2008-05-27 ch 2,	abuseMy God, Margot holds so much bitterness and hatred about everything. Abel has a lot of nerve, drawing Emma naked when she just came to that school. I would've made sure he suffered somehow. "who the fuck lives in Idaho"?! alright, you need to get pistol-whipped. Emma seems weak to me. how can you let them disrespect you like that?! "I'm not a fan of blondes" "Then put a hat on her" That made me crack up.
soojinyeh 2008-05-27 ch 1,	abuseYou are extremely descriptive. I wish I could go into as much detail about my scenes. Jellybean? That's a funny name. At first I thought it was gonna be about...say, a 40 year old man falling for a little kid, but I'm so glad it's not. 12 and 16 year olds-not that big of a gap. Hmm, how old are the girls and how old is marcus? Maybe you already mentioned it but I can't seem to recall. I hate Marcus. If he wasn't fictional, I would just shoot the living crap out of him. This is undeniable. Not only did you make it raw and real, you dared to cross boundaries some would be scared to even touch. I can relate to this cause I've drabbled in and out of bi-sexual relationships and stuff when I was that age. The only flaw i see is that you often forget puntuation during your sentences.
dragonflydreamyr 2008-05-20 ch 1,	abuseFreebie review! I still owed you this one, right? This freaking technical glitch fp's been having really threw me out of whack... I'm really glad to read/review this. I haven't read ay femslash in a while, but everyone needs a good one every so often, right? XD This is deffinately meeting my "good femslash" requirements. The characters and plot is very unique; no cliches or mary sues here. Your descriptions, too, are admirable. You helped the reader to develop a good picture of what's going on without filling it with superfluous frill that just makes it hard to read. I also liked how your paragraphs were pretty consistant in size; there weren't really any that were abnormally long or short. Your characters are well-developed for so early in the story. The interactions between Margo and Marcus were very good and told a lot about their characters. The section with Addison felt a bit like you were just spelling everything out, though, especially the paragraph about her family. Also, one question about her: why does a twelve-year-old need a baby sitter? I understand if they live in a really rich and snooty town, but judging by Margot and Marcus' living situation, it really doesn't seem like they do. Other than that, this sounds like it's off to a great start. I'd review more now, but I'm sure I'll owe you another review from the RG at some point. Typos: "I began to was the dishes" - 'wash,' not 'was' "I’m getting paid 10 an hour" - I assume that fp formatting deleted a dollar sign. It would look a lot better if you just put in the word dollars. "The internal organ shaped lump" - It took me a second to sort out the words here. Maybe some hyphens?
LoKi 7000 2008-05-18 ch 4,	abuseJust like margot, I also don't believe in taboo, that's why I was hoping there would be more 'interaction' between her and Serena. The interlude on teen sexuality really hit the nail on the head; we don't give a fuck and sex is sex. I don't know how old you are but you really inject insightful (albeit personal) issues well into this story. And that was one long paragraph near the end.
LoKi 7000 2008-05-18 ch 3,	abuseAddison seems like a smart young girl. She knows Mrgot wants it, and maybe it's just a matter of time. You really shed some light on the LaChapelle household, one of abundant unhappiness but also a thin layer of hope. Once again, the descriptions and dialogue never ceases to amaze.
LoKi 7000 2008-05-18 ch 2,	abuseI noticed a very Chuck Palahiuk-esque style in the descriptions of the high school. Very depressing ad nihilistic. The characterization just keeps getting better, with Abel. The exchanges between him and margot were good. And speaking of descriptions, you paint a very pretty picture with your words, very articulate yet simple.

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