|Reviews for Revolution|
| Xenochron 3/23/08 . chapter 1
Cool... but I couldn't really tell what was going on.
| ecwix 2/10/08 . chapter 1
Very nice! The end of the story came very strongly and I could really appreciate your choice of a title.
There were a few things that caught my attention:
1.) A few potentially confusing uses of grammar.
-"He used to love the sun. Now he hate[d] it."
Your use of the present tense in "hates" can be confusing. The rest of the story is written in past. Your use of the present, for one, makes it seem as though it is unconnected to what was mentioned before in the past, which it is not. You may say that it is used to distinguish before time in the "used" in the previous sentence. Here, I feel that the understood "[had] used" would be enough to communicate that subtlety, with no need for jumping into the present.
Just a minor point, but I feel as it can really make a difference in the way a reader appreciates the writing.
-"Stopping to observe the fallen man, unheeded advice slipped through his lips."
Another minor point. The way you have this sentence written, the participial phrase "Stopping to observe the fallen man" seems to be modifying "advice", which it obviously isn't.
-"He continued to watch as They attempted to rouse the fallen man. They screamed, cursed and kicked, yet he remained oblivious, sprawled on the unforgiving earth."
Two things here. Firstly, you mentioned at the end of the previous paragraph that he "quickly resumed working". Now with the "continued to watch" makes it sound as though your main character never stopped watching, or had even continued to work as though. There is a little bit of an implied "continuing to watch [while working]", but this is weak as it implies that watching is his primary action, which I'm sure would have drawn some harsh words from "Them".
Second, in the second sentence, you use the pronoun "he" to refer to the fallen man. The problem is that you used "he" to refer to the main character only the sentence before, without any clear, new antecedant. This can cause the reader a little bit of confusing, temporarily dispelling the suspension of belief that you had built up quite well.
-"The howl was deafening as it lashed across his exposed flesh, bring[ing?] him back into stark reality."
-"This was one of those places you only dream[ed?] about."
Again, present tense. This time, however, you may pass it off as a "thought" of the main character if you wish. It is really up to you and I'm just bringing up the possibilities.
-"Dew on the tree leaves glistened in the new morning light catching his eye."
It's difficult to discern grammatically what "catching his eye" is supposed to be modifying. Dew? Or the light? I'm learning towards the dew, but the way you have it written leaves it very ambiguous. Technically, where it is written, it should be modifying the "light".
-"The sound of voices disrupted this peaceful dream, causing him to stir and quickly [ascend] the tree, disappearing from view."
"Causing him to stir and [to] quickly ascended the tree..."
2.) Creative use of language
I must admit, I'm impressed and almost jealous of a few of the techniques you managed here. I know how useful it can be to a writer trying to get a full review to see how a reader responds to some of his/her more subtle uses of language, so I'll try to give my thoughts.
-"The howl was deafening as it lashed across his exposed flesh, bringing him back into stark reality."
I liked your double meaning of "it". Although perhaps not completely grammatically satisfying, I felt that the effect it gave was enough to justify the aberration. "It" can be used to mean the metal twine lashing across the fallen man's body, but also (as I noticed later) to the "howl" upon the observer. A different choice of words other than "exposed flesh" can possibly make this dual-use even more potent.
-"The moons were high overhead when he stepped out into a clearing in the woods."
I loved your use of "moons". There was so much meaning packed into a single unexpected number. The fact that it was plural let me have the feeling that your story was taking place in a completely different world. That told my mind to stop looking for possible references to things that I might have recognized in our world.
3.) Good wrap-up.
Your first three lines, definitions of the word "Revolution" left things hanging, but when the story is finished, they are resolved... and add so much more to the meaning as well.
The immediate conclusion is that the main character has experienced a "revolution" in the mindset. (One could possibly strengthen this by making the MC seem a bit more "obedient"-“I can’t take much more of this,”- perhaps that can be stated in a more subservient way- maybe you can ignore this, just a bit of my wandering, rambling mind).
The next conclusion upon noticing the second definition: cycle, is that the events in this short excerpt are merely parts of a larger whole, just one example among many.
The third is a bit weaker, linking the first and last paragraphs (about the sun) to the title. It may not be that strong, but it is effective nonetheless. It gives a feeling of completeness to the story.
And now I've gone and rambled on and on and you're probably tired of me by now. Overall, I must say you have a strong story here with a good construction. Great job! :)
| Lortenian 2/4/08 . chapter 1
Huh...Revolution-I actually read it a few times (by the way, I liked the three definitions of revolution; it caught my attention). For me, your writing technique did it. I found you structured and embellished your sentences well (but not overdoing it like some people tend to do). It was a nice, constant flow, and you didn't overuse and exhaust the same words-you have a broad vocab which is VITAL for writing (as far as I'm concerned).
And although there was little of it, I liked the characters' dialogue. I could actually hear them speaking. )
Anyway, good short story. Gonna go check out your other stuff now. _
p.s If I may ask, what made you to write this?