Reviews for Fallen Sanctuary - FictionPress.com

Reviews For: Fallen Sanctuary

Asia Ralaia Schiegoh 2008-04-06 ch 1,	abuseI always wanted to you keep this moving [big grin]. On a far more pleasant note than what I've been... er, seeing in your reviews... I lurve it. Of course, some things could be edited, I supposed, but that goes for every writer out there. None of us are perfect. Even our word choice [wink], in which yours in pristinely perfekt. It fits what you're depicting, anyhow. Beautiful, once again! But then again, it's the least of what I expect from you! ARS
LucienofShadow 2008-03-08 ch 10,	abuseThis entire story, all ten chapters, could be the prologue to a story about the Fallen Sanctuary. The way this is written I really wish to know more of the sanctuary. I'd also like more details of how it was used/abused. The message behind the chapter is excellent though. But on the whole this seems very much disconnected from the story itself. -Lucien of the Review Marathon, all the reviews given for this story were part of the Review Marathon hosted by the Review Game forums. See the link in my profile if you want more information.
LucienofShadow 2008-03-08 ch 9,	abuse'down to earth' Don't you mean 'down to hell?' The characterizations of this chapter are good. However I don't quite understand why Lucifer's eyes have changed yet again. They already went to fiery red, why now to tar black? -Lucien
LucienofShadow 2008-03-08 ch 8,	abuseI take issue with this chapter. It is far too short and gives me a bare summary of events. This would be an acceptable prologue, but no more than that. I want details, details I say! That 'The battle could never be described in words.' is absurd. Not fully described, perhaps, but as for description you could certainly have done better. Also this passage 'His holy divinity was stripped from him, however, but he had regained his dignity. He sat at the right hand of God, his beauty now his own one more.' made very little sense. We have no real definition of his 'holy divinity' and therefore it seems that he has lost nothing as his beauty (when did he lose it?) is returned as well as his place and his dignity. -Lucien
LucienofShadow 2008-03-08 ch 7,	abuseYes, combine this with the previous chapter. They fit together marvelously. This chapter was very well written, with the exception that I had to re-read the one portion several times before realizing that the priest was God. -Lucien.
LucienofShadow 2008-03-08 ch 6,	abuse'amazing'? You can think of a better adjective than that. Invigorating, perhaps. Now, this chapter is well written for the most part. Unfortunately I don't see what it does to move the plot along. I would highly recommend combining it with another chapter or two. I'd recommend that for quite a number of these, actually. -Lucien
LucienofShadow 2008-03-08 ch 5,	abuseI don't quite understand Lucifer's transformation, his character as much as his physical. I would recommend at some point explaining his metamorphosis. I very much like the way Raziel is portrayed at this point. -Lucien
LucienofShadow 2008-03-08 ch 4,	abuse'gratefully appreciated.” Doesn't work to well. 'greatly appreciated.' "big brother" But they're triplets! 'I Hate You' Capitals? Why? This is a tad reminiscent of Paradise Lost. I'm curious to see where it will go. -Lucien
LucienofShadow 2008-03-08 ch 3,	abuseThese chapters are rather short, are they not? In any case, the descriptions were fantastic. The grammar, however, was not. The two things you need to look out for, particularly in the first two paragraphs are pronouns and verb tenses. -Lucien
LucienofShadow 2008-03-08 ch 2,	abuseI find myself rather confused by Lilith's feelings here. It could just be me, and I am perfectly open to that possibility, but I would recommend re-reading this yourself to see if it can be clarified. If not, well then, that is just my loss. I like the third person omniscient narrator, ironic though it is in this story. -Lucien
LucienofShadow 2008-03-08 ch 1,	abuse" the Angels were the great and powerful beings of light and goodness and the demons were the harsh and cruel beings of darkness and evil." Goodness, do you need to use 'the' so many times? The same goes for 'and.' It'll mean cutting out an adjective each, but still. No reason to use two words when one will do. Given that it was for NaNoWriMo I can sort of understand, but I'm going to recommend changing this to read, "... Angels were great and powerful beings of light and Demons were harsh and cruel beings of darkness. "He even knew that he was not worthy to look upon the face of God." Should read "He knew that even he..." "my Lord Meatatron has been murdered my Lord" If you intended it to be the spelled the same way as it was in Phillip Pullman's His Dark Materials it would be 'Metatron.' “You are going to fix this Gabriel." Needs a comma before Gabriel. As far as grammar goes this needs some work. I'd recommend going through it again and revising for grammar. -Lucien of the Review Marathon (link in profile)
Written 2008-03-01 ch 1,	abuseIt's cool! Very mythical and steeped in religious ideas. I think you should consider splitting it up and really adding detail to it!
The Mumbling Sage 2008-02-27 ch 1,	abuseHi there! I've added this to the C2--the best (only) way to get your story added is to ask me, the manager--it keeps people from adding their own stories in and then not paying it forward, or what have you. Anyway, my own impressions: This is too short! :) I'd cut this up into the ten chapters, expand each chapter, and then repost it. Darastic, yes, but this story is too good to be so brief.

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