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Reviews For: Fire Soul - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Lady of Secrets 2008-09-14 ch 19,	abuseokay. i found some small points you might want to consider. First, they're only ten? I think that they talk as if they're older but act as if they're younger. And ten is an awfully young age for them to be good at this stuff. Also ten year olds aren't very mature and that tends to mess up the seriousness of some moments. The story is good, don't get me wrong, just that one point is a tad misleading. -Salem
Alteng 2008-07-18 ch 6,	abuseOkay, breakfast is delayed and I got another chapter read. This chapter did well in describing the debris (which can be used instead of ash at some points in this scene). The corpse of her father was a surpirse, as if the work of the girls and the fire were caused by something else other than the burning of the book and Kaida's interevention. This has certainly peaked a mystery.
Alteng 2008-07-18 ch 5,	abuseOkay, this will probably be the last chapter for a bit, because I am planning on getting something to eat. Ah, Aiko is going through the accusations. I would think that she would be calling Kaido a witch as well, because of the powder thing and the visions. Again, there could be some description thrown in there. Think how you would feel if everything to you was now lost and the people who love are dead. How do you feel emotionally and physically. To describe this makes for a more indepth story. The same can be said for Kaido. Of course, you if you are trying to keep her background a secret this is cool. Oh, and Blood was an Anime that was run on Cartoon Network for awhile. It was a real cool show, but as I said there is no story that doesn't sound like another story already written.
Alteng 2008-07-18 ch 4,	abuseThis chapter moved too fast. it is almost like the two girls are still in the dream. The middle part was weird and confusing, but it should be with the dragon, eagle, sea serpent, and tiger. Again nice imagery with that one. The girls fleeing the fire should be written in more detail. Why did they run so far away? Was the house completely engulfed? Where was Aiko's father? How about the servants? Or were there any servants in this house? How does Aiko feel about this fire? After all, it is Kaida's fault in a way. You might want to put some detail and action in the escape from the house.
Alteng 2008-07-18 ch 3,	abusealthough this is a short little scene, you did well in the descriptoin, and this has been the best of the three chapters because of the imaginery you have created.
Alteng 2008-07-18 ch 2,	abuseAgain the same problem with using the names too often. Still, the story moves on, and in a way the short chapters are a blessing. It makes for a quick read, and you have moved the story onward. Now, we can see what kind of trouble the girls get into.
Alteng 2008-07-18 ch 1,	abuseThe story kind of reminds me of Blood when Saiwa first met Haichi. (My spelling is awful, don't mind it.) Yet, that is the trouble with writing any story. It will sound like something else. Anyway, I do like Aiko's character. She is a spoiled little girl, but she is likeable. Her dad sounds like a sweet, kindly man as well. As far as structure in the story. You use the Aiko's name a little too often. You can use 'she' a few times without confusion, or call her the little girl or child.
Lady of Secrets 2008-06-30 ch 12,	abuselol. i love when people think someone is a guy but is really a girl. Its hilarious and pokes fun at sexism. As an editor, I could only suggest changing "starring" in the first paragraph to staring. You might want to take out the extra apostrophe in the second paragraph, where Kaida is thinking. Also, when she asks where do your loyalties lye? it should be lie. Other than that, youre gold! keep up the great work!-Salem
Lady of Secrets 2008-04-24 ch 11,	abusewow...i havent reviewed in AGES!! Man, last time I read this story, it was still on ch.5...that was a while ago...well anywayz, this story has come a long way and Im pretty excited about where ti will go next. just out of curiosity, is this f/f? and, the only problem i found was that the girls seem to be a bit... well, girly girl-ish...I can understand Aiko but why Kaida, maybe its just me. Anywayz, cant wait to c what's gonna happen nxt.-Salem
Kordi 2008-03-29 ch 11,	abuseThus far, the story has been quite compelling. I meant only to skim the first chapter, and ended up reading right through to the most recent post. The setting has been jumpy, and there are a few grammatical errors, but the other reviews have already mentioned as much. Keep writing! It's lookin good, and I can't wait to see where it goes next! :3
-Truly-Verily-Purely-Me- 2008-03-25 ch 10,	abuseWell, to be truthful it was kind of annoying at first with the fighting and whining, but I'm glad that after ten chapters they're actually doing something. It has potential. You also need to be a little more careful in your spelling and the general flow of the story.
LucienofShadow 2008-03-08 ch 8,	abuse'fathers dead!” Needs to be "father's" Sleep has jagged edges? I'd question that description. I would highly recommend blending your chapters together, putting in more explanation, detail, and description. Because let's face it, we're eight chapters in and what's happened? The house burned down. That's one chapter right there, not eight. We also have no idea what kind of world it's set in and the only view we have of Aiko is that she's a disconsolate whiner, and all we know about Kaida is that there is more to her than Aiko thinks. And let's face it, there's more to the common dust bunny than Aiko thinks there is. -Lucien of the Review Marathon, hosted by the Review Game forums (a great way to get more reviews, and a link is in my profile)
LucienofShadow 2008-03-08 ch 7,	abuseYou ought to proffer some explanation as to why Kaida's hair is shorter. Furthermore, what use would a ten year old girl have for a bow and arrows? It takes more strength than many grown men have to use one properly. "And a small smile crept over their faces." The way that's written, one smile crept over both of their faces. And it was small. That just doesn't seem right, somehow. -Lucien
LucienofShadow 2008-03-08 ch 6,	abuse"I don’t need a murders help!" needs to be "murderer's" 'revealed fear though' better as'revealed her fear, and Aiko smirked." 'was laying on the ground.' better as 'lay on the ground.' "She dropped to the ground and blacked out before she hit the ground." That needs to be totally reworked, or just taken out. You could simplify it by just saying 'She was unconscious before she hit the ground.' I also have issues with characters passing out from 'shock,' but that's your choice. -Lucien
LucienofShadow 2008-03-08 ch 5,	abuseThat first section irks me. At least partially because it makes no logical sense. You expect me to believe that they just sat there for two days straight? They have no way to get food, and I'm not sure they'd trust the river for water. There's now way they just sat there for two days. I'd recommend changing that length of time. Then the decision to go straight over to the ashes makes sense- its the first thing anyone would do. -Lucien

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