|Reviews for His Queen|
| Chakara1winxclub 4/13/13 . chapter 38
I like many parts of this story. Actually most part. This story had a different plot, which is exactly what the readers need and which is what I love about this story. This story, for the most time, was unpredictable. That is a very good thing. But sometimes, like when Sera was held in captive, the way you wrote that part of the story made Sera look a bit immature, which is horrible, considering how she got there in the first place. This slightly immaturity was seen when you wrote things like 'i would've laughed right now but...' That was also a bit disturbing. It could be bcuz you're too young like 12 or 13 or maybe even 14. I don't how old you are. Anyway that is the ONLY fault of your style of writing. Other than that, everything was extremely well-thought, and beautiful.
| Terras1fan 4/7/13 . chapter 15
All right. I stuck until this chapter, because well, I thought the world was pretty darn interesting.
But I can't complete. Sera needs some revision. She has no flaws! Good at riding horses, bonding with a unbondable ruly Unicorn, good at singing, good at playing guitar, beautiful, talented at magic, talented at weaponry, good at picking up on everything, except love, because of course, she's going to be a naive virgin character. How am I supposed to relate to Sera? She's essentially perfect, desire-able and has a prince who has the hotts for her. Who gives a damn at that point? Give Sera some flaws. Maybe she is competitive like you said at the beginning, and to a fault, meaning it gets her trouble with her friends, family, or something like that. Maybe she has a temper, so she says things that she shouldn't, just so that she can "win" the argument.
Speaking of Aeron had some Mary Sue tendencies at times too. The moment I can think of most clearly was how unnatural the discussion over his long dead sister went in the fountain garden area. I mean, if you tragically lost your sister and went on a blood raged rampage, would you willingly tell your soulmate of this painful and kind of shameful past, without at least a bit of coaxing? If it was in Aeron's character to be forthcoming, the scene would have been natural. But giving in so quickly? Letting Sera do her magic schmick and fix him into telling her his problem(Mary Sue!) is just too damn cliche.
Revisions need to make this story more relate-able. Cliche can be good in small amounts, if you have damn good characters. Your female lead needs aid, but most of your supporting are good. Aeron has moments (ex: his Mary Sue tendency of not being overly nice to his servants, overly possessive and arrogant, Ice Prince?), and the supporting cast members like Leila (is that her name? Damn if I can remember) are forgettable and kind of meh. I mean, there is a bitchy ex, and nothing more to see there. Evil guy who kills children. Best friend who's there to beautify the female lead and remind her the male lead is hott.
I think you get my drift. Revise! Take the path untaken! As a reader I want to be pleasantly surprised. Maybe instead of Tristan being a complete dick (as was seen from a mile away), maybe we can find out he's completely gay, and he's been hiding it for years by sleeping with all these women. That way you get the jealousy factor by Aeron out of the way, and it's not so "Oh, the poor female lead liked a dick beforehand, and now she's being rescued by this ah-mazing guy." Plus, it aids a little humor. (;
Speaking of humor breaking the fourth wall and having Sera talk to the readers can be frustrating sometimes. It's like you are attempting humor, but it ends up being awkward. The fourth wall shouldn't be broken unless there is a good reason to. When you watch a movie, and you are enthralled in the action, the character is crying, moaning her fate, and then suddenly the leaves rustle, someone is watching her. You don't want the character to say, "I'll give you one chance to guess who's watching me." We all know who's watching her. Unless you surprised us and switched it up, but 99.99% of the time we know. So don't break the barrier! Just say:
Blahblahblah. Someone was watching her.
"What do you want?" So-so groaned.
Ok. Sorry this is damn lengthy. I just feel like giving a full review tonight. However, I hope you don't feel angry, disappointed, miffed, or annoyed at me because of what I wrote. I was told a few years ago that a story of mine had a major Mary Sue. When I realized it, I felt a bit like crap, but eventually I reread and realized it as well. I went "Oh damn" and went back to fix things. It completely changed the story, but into something I'm much more proud of!
I hope you keep writing. You started something good. I think you can write good plot lines, and you could make some cliches pretty good reads. But you need to be sure to solidly create characters with flaws. And not just tragic background stories. Ya know?
Sorry for leaving you a shit ton to read,
| Guest 3/31/13 . chapter 38
This would be a epic movie/ TV series xD
| geekman9097 3/23/13 . chapter 23
in this chapter you mention eyrie. and i quote "have you forgotten that eyrie and celestine are farie too?" you need to change eyrie to vaen, like you said you would dearlier in the book
| jerrellsgirl112606 2/25/13 . chapter 38
I just loved this story i cant wate to read the sequel.
| Guest 2/3/13 . chapter 38
Sera is such a Mary Sue
| AriTakahashi 12/24/12 . chapter 38
I LOVED IT! You are now my inspiration
| Iceleaf 12/3/12 . chapter 1
People really can have yellow or amber eyes. It is rare but possible. They are sometimes called wolf eyes.
| Guest 11/3/12 . chapter 1
first of all, i am so glad to see an Aussie author (yeap, i'm an Aussie:D, and i was getting tired of american settings... they are good just...)
moving on to next chappie :D
| Ms.Julia 10/24/12 . chapter 38
Loved this :)
| R. Ficst 10/3/12 . chapter 38
pretty darn cute. Nice work : )
| ClosetReader 9/23/12 . chapter 38
Thanks for the entertainment! Finished it in a day! Don't really like that the later parts of the story were more about her powers than them being together though. Haha, I guess I just love my fluff.
| Jayfaye 9/16/12 . chapter 1
Either you live on a farm or you have done some serious studies about sheep. Do I KNOW.
| Guest 8/25/12 . chapter 38
Absolutely loved this! :)
| xcathy 8/14/12 . chapter 1
Wow the first chapter really got me excited! Hahah I love how she said all of those slang terms to annoy him. Heh. Oh and you accidentally spelled planet wrong. You wrote plane instead. But it was a great chapter anyways.