Seems like your speaker here is waking up from her dreams. The bit about the mother starting to date again was good, it was a little more of what I'm hoping to see from you. Also, using the punch bowl to get her drunk was an interesting thing, but it seemed rather out of context when it was an official school dance, one for freshmen and sophomores. Vodka punch seems a bit unlikely.

It's looking more and more like my theory of Edmund being a reflection of her conscience is true, though now he appears less like a closet gay (oh well; it was fun while it lasted).

I could see this story going in a variety of ways: she could hook up with Edmund, or Shawn, or neither, or a strange love triangle between all three that would eventually end catastrophically. This isn't to demean your options, but to simplify them. Of course, this could take another turn such as switching schools again, etc etc but at the moment the whole of the story is concentrated on her feelings for her two friends.

Overall I'd say that it sounds like you've lost all interest in continuing this piece and closed it in the quickest fashion possible, which shows somewhat in your lack of detail and attention to the piece. If you wanted to continue it, then I'd say it needs some polishing before you continue, but if not, then... I'm sure your newest piece would turn out even better.

- ss.

You just had to focus on a subject matter that I can't really comment on. C'est la guerre...

The same comments I had previously still stand for this one. Also, it seems as though Edmund's character is more symbolic than human, in which case he's more a reflection of the speaker's conscience than anything else.

On a lighter note, Edmund seems like a closet gay. Not that it's a bad thing.

I think that you could add more idiosyncrasies to your characters to give them a realistic feel, and some of those could also add into the story and give it a different perspective. What I mean by this is... Maybe Nadia chews on toothpicks when she's nervous, or perhaps Shawn runs a hand through his hair when he's thinking hard about something. Well, it's just a suggestion.

I'll give a more in-depth view of it on the final chapter you've uploaded.

- ss.

Again, you might want to check your spelling. You write boost instead of boast in the first sentence.

I don't know the first thing about love, so I'm afraid I can't offer anything in regards to this lust at first sight encounter.

Interesting bits about the handwriting. It seems pretty superficial of the speaker to focus on the style in which the message is conveyed, as opposed to the structure of the sentence or any underlying animosity toward her. Of course, this is facilitated by her encounter with Shawn.

You definitely have the typical teenage overreactions down pat, in regards to becoming best friends in an hour's time and being heartbroken over Shawn liking another girl. Right now I can tell you that you might want to invest some time in fleshing out the setting and incorporating more senses into your pieces. Some poetic lines here and there could help, although I can see you turning that suggestion down due to this being a high school scene, and high school lacks everything poetic.

Interesting that you incorporate a movie reference, considering my last comment about your writing seeming more cinematic than realistic.

Overall I think that the 'known each other since kindergarten' is pretty frequent, so you might want to revisit that if you want this to seem more realistic. On the other hand, retaining that and then hitting the reader with something of a mental institution at the end might be something interesting.

- ss.

You have some spelling errors in here. Nothing that spell check would find... "I was twelve year olds", for example. This takes some combing through to catch them.

Also - Most people might look at this and see it as a mistake, but personally I like it. You write how the speaker's mom calls her down the stairs in regards to a mess, but the conversation immediately shifts to the speaker's father. Normally this would seem like a disjointed shift, but I think it more or less hints toward a deeper relationship in which sonant is unnecessary.

It's interesting that you wouldn't describe the speaker's dad in this instance, considering that it's such a shock to her. Usually people like to savor those memories and try to ascertain every detail. Also, perhaps the father could use a bit of fleshing out character-wise. He seems a little two-dimensional... But then again from the earlier mention of him, he could simply be a supportive character.

Maybe it's the nihilistic cynic in me but the appearance of this rock star Brandy without some serious press coverage over her good deed seems too good to be true. I think in order to justify it to the reader, the father should seriously explain her presence to the speaker.

If anything, you can tack in that hackneyed excuse that it truly was a dream, though that might actually pay off now that I think about it... Considering that the opening of this story was about dreams, having it in this less realistic dream-state would seriously compliment the opening.

Considering all this, you can revamp your story in two ways: flesh it out more, or keep it much more disjointed. In the latter case, the evidence that this happening IS a dream would be present in your structure.

Overall it's not bad, I checked into this one because I was hoping for something I could take from it. I think it's more of a celluloid prospect than reality. It's got some good potential though.

PS: Poetry sucks.

- ss.

Ok, so i was going to read all and review all but I decided not to do that lol Obciously right? Anywhoo, I like this. It moves a little fast though. You might do well to slow it down just a tad. And I kind of want to know where Shawn's head is in all of this.

Hey great update its been a little while and happy to see and read this update it was good poor Nadia anyway look forward to see what happens next so please update again real soon ok?

Thanks,
IP

interesting :)
a little more exposition would be nice though...but otherwise, good!

i would be very grateful if you could come on over and review the story i just posted as well...thanks :)

Thanks for the update looking forward to the next to see what will happen if you really do decide to tell Shawn that she likes him. Have a great day and please update soon.

IP

Well I'm still reading and as long as you keep it updated I will continue to read them and send my comments thanks this story is getting good looking forward to some descriptions of the others from her new school please can't wait to see what happens next.
IP

Hey that was a cute story I hope you will update it because I want to see what happens with her next thanks for sharing.
IP