Reviews for The Bleeding Sound

Jay-Alonzo
2008-02-17
ch 2,

abuseOverall you got your point across, Stephen is kind of a douche lone-wolf style, the dirty American serves as a foil, but you still have some issues with chronologically introducing information that makes the story telling a bit awkward.

You wait until the sixth paragraph to explain The General's background and the Mayor's background, by then the reader already has their own envisioning of what they look like so this may throw them off, and the information isn't introduced very smoothly, that's what I mean when I say that you force info. It just sorta happens inappropriately whenever you get around to it.

The next scene with the dungeon is good, very minimalist and keeps the audiences imagination alive. There is indeed improvement.

However, with passages like: "Stephen felt the burning hold of heat all around his face and body. His uniform was sticking to his skin because it was so hot. He felt he had a terrible headache with a dry mouth. There were bruises and cuts all over his body. There were rips and bloody stains all over his uniform."

You could sum that up with: "Stephen had a terrible headache, his mouth was dry and was succumbing to the the burning grip of heat all around his face and body, so much that his tattered uniform was sticking to him like a second layer of skin. Beneath his blood stained clothing he could still feel the aches and stings of bruises and cuts."

Then you have other small details that you leave out that don't make sense. "The American just kept shaking his head. “A man with no honour will never find a place that he can call home,” The American said sadly and was gone" Gone where? Into the shadows, down the dungeon, under a rock?

Other than that, it's going steady. Keep writing.

Jay-Alonzo
2008-02-15
ch 1,

abuseThis story has a workable premise, but I stressed backstory earlier not because it took up space or I was making the audience read, but because it establishes empathy and a reason to KEEP reading. You give no reason why they are at war, but then again you may reveal that later as this is just the first chapter- or maybe it's their ignorance of bloodshed that's the focal point- either way you need to clarify that- not so much that you're holding the audiences hand, just to let them know you know what you're doing.

Another good thing to remember that I've learned in college is not to force details, they should be like a woman's skirt, long enough to cover the essentials, but short enough to keep them interested. You cover some bases, but I think you should check in the chronological order of how you present fact, whether they be names, appearances, and especially the idea behind Operation Blind Strike as it just came out of left field.

Your tenses need some work- I've made this mistake, my current readers have made these mistakes, I think you aren't a fiction press writer UNLESS you make this mistake. But using words like "as he was" or describing simultaneous actions can offset your past tense. Also, it can be a bit repetitive (I've been there).

There's many instances in which you forget words, forget tenses in them, the last line contains "Stephen shut as he fell" shut what?

Overall, what I think you could benefit from, is that you should manually proof read your work, from the looks if it you just relied on Microsoft word grammar check. This is also helpful in adding a little bit of variety in your phrasing.

When I write I do a bit of research, try looking into spartan warfare or even the current struggle in Iraq. Look for Avenged Sevenfold's "M.I.A." that will get you into the mindset of a soldier killing in the name of a cause, the conflict of roles as a killer and protector is a dynamic that would benefit this story. But it's your story, so I'll leave you to it. The path of an author is riddled witht trial and error so write, rewrite, and write some more. Later.

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