FictionPress.com - let the words flow
| FictionPress.com - let the words flow |
|
| Home Just In Communities Forums Beta Readers Dictionary Search | Login Register Extras |
| painted.music 2008-02-16 ch 1,  | abusekonban wa For a thirteen-year-old, your writing skills are excellent! The syntax here was a bit monotonous, but I'm not sure if that was a reflection on you or just the fact that you were writing from a little kid's point of view. shrug At the moment I'm in a child-PoV phase, so I can definitely relate to this feeling. I can see myself writing this, and it makes relating to it that much easier. Beautiful job. That ending - perfect. :) No comment on that, no improvement suggestion on that. "could use both of my hands, my feet, my eyes, and each one of my teeth, but it still wouldn’t be enough." - Now that was cute. All in all, I really only have one suggestion, which is the syntax. Even if it is a kid's PoV, it's still not a kid actually writing this - and it shouldn't sound like it. Of course, the vocab has to be dumbed down a bit, which I think you did quite well; but the syntax can (and should) still be somewhat diverse. Also, on a smaller note - I think there might have been a few too many similies. I only mention this because I wrote something similar and got that response from my English teacher. When I reread it with her comments, I realized how correct she was - and now I notice these details everywhere. ;) Really, though, this was an outstanding piece. Ha det ~Shan~ |