Reviews for A Summoner's Knight

Reviews For: A Summoner's Knight

Daggian 2008-05-13 ch 3,	abuseOkay, I have to admit, this chapter is a little boring...All stories have their times when they are boring. I expected this story to be no different. However, I believe the chapters will become more entertaining. Sorry I haven't reviewed until now. Later!
bleepbloopbanana 2008-02-25 ch 2,	abuseI really like your style of writing. When you move away from the over descriptiveness, it's actually very precise and to the point, and that makes it more enjoyable to read. So this chapter... let's go in order, hm? The first scene looked like it would provide more background info, but it actually...didn't. I was kind of disappointed with it, because I'm positive you could've added a few more things into it, especially some characterization on Elle's part. She seems very two-dimensional to me now, so I suggest letting us into her thoughts for a bit. It can only help. :3 The interaction between Darren and Elle was interesting, but the dialogue wasa bit lacking. There was no real chemistry there, so it was bland. But I did like this line: “Perhaps smooth skin proves to be a better weapon eh?” It shows a lot of character. Elle's actions are still kind of grating on my nerves, but I suspect I'll get used to her. And yay, Izu! A confusing character to be sure, but my favorite so far. I don't know why, but the fact that he's blind by choice is very appealing to me. :) And this line was a bit confusing: “It’s gone...” Elle gasped. “You attacked, Izu?” Hadn't she just called for him? Didn't she expect him to attack? Or was she just surprised by the fact that he attacked so quickly? “Miss, I am no celebrity, nor wish to be treated like one.” Modest, and you manage to play it off so that he seems sincere too! Great job with his character, he's really very likeable. But human, too. "Will you have enough time to do a great deed?" Mm, that's rather vague. And I don't like the idea that a "great deed" is practically being handed to her to do. But I'm looking forward to getting more information on it. The last part seems a bit rushed, especially the Urgent! letter. And the part that REALLY bugs me has to do with Elle (surprise, surprise...sorry, but this character is just, argh!!) and the fact that everyone considers her "powerful" and "gifted" while really, we haven't seen her do anything that striking yet... well, it's irritating. SHE'S irritating. I don't know if it's just me, but I suppose I can stand her for the sake of Izu. -grump- All in all, a chapter that forwarded the plot, so yay! Could use a bit of tweaking, that's the case with every story, so worry not. I'm looking forward to the next! Much love, Bleep
Daggian 2008-02-25 ch 2,	abuseI don't know what to think of this, truthfully. I want to say you are wonderful...but I want to say you are decent...The summary sounded good but the story itself, so far, doesn't sound very good. Your wording is good and the plot, from what I can gather so far, is great. It's probably because it is the begining. It should get better as the story continues, correct? If so, I certainly want to know where this goes to. Later!
Aibari 2008-02-20 ch 1,	abuseO, nice concept. :) Character-wise, wow. These girls, my friend, remind me of the antagonists of Mean Girls. They're all so ... well, mean. Elle isn't very likeable, but I can tolerate her - she seems like a paranoid, shallow, perfectionist bastard, and that always turns out interesting sooner or later. In three chapters, I'm probably going to like her. She feels human, too. My biggest problem with her is actually, well, the "bulging breasts" description, because that wording has always made me slightly nauseous. Anyway. Izu amuses me. “Unbelievable. I, Izu will now be at your service, miss.” Why'd he go "unbelieveable" at first? If he was incredulous, wouldn't he at least take a few seconds to compose himself? And he does seem a bit bipolar - first, he calls her "miss", then he calls her "little girl", and then he hugs her? "Miss" would indicate respect, but "little girl" feels either affectionate or slightly demeaning. And the hugging? Dude. A respectful servant - which is what he claims to be, right? - wouldn't hug his employer. And this guy is a killer. Character consistency, please? Finally: Really, why are these people friends? Still, this'll be interesting. I'm looking forward to chapter two. :)
HGiel 2008-02-19 ch 1,	abuseI love this premise~ Like you said, it isn't complicated, but because of that, so far, it's a fun read. It seems like the story will be enjoyable. You are doing a good job with this.
Kaiyako Kagami 2008-02-19 ch 1,	abuseHey! Interesting story so far, I really am enjoying it. I didn't notice anything wrong with your grammar, and you certainly stayed on top of dialog. The only thing that I do want to comment on is your characters. They seem, well to be frank, quite mean to each other. Elle's friends for example pretty much shook her stiff to find out how she got a good grade. While Elle was pretty mean to Izu. Well still, I like how your plot is progressing and I look forward to reading more. All The Best. Kaiyako K.
bleepbloopbanana 2008-02-19 ch 1,	abuseWell, firstly, the lack of background info dampened my interest in the story. I had to read and then reread the story, but there were still a lot of things that irritated me, such as the questions I had about the basic plot: what examination? what results? what degree of education? apprentice? summoner? huh? I understand that not everything about the story can be explained in the first chapter, of course. But there's a fine line between information and too little information. In this case, I don't think you had enough, and managed to confuse [me] the reader more than what was necessary. A little mystery is fine every now and again, but when it starts to give the reader a headache while they're trying to puzzle out the various topics in the story... then it's a bit too much. The thing is, the story is supposed to do just that: tell a story. And while I think you're a good writer and have great ideas, this story was still too complicated for me. I feel like I should go out and research a bit on summoners myself, but that's not what a well written story is supposed to prompt you to do. Again, this might just be me. :3 But I thought I'd share my thoughts. And on the topic of characters, I'm not feeling anything other than indifference towards Elle, and a little bit of annoyance, too. So far, the way you've portrayed her doesn't make her seem bland or unique (both of which are acceptable in my book), but a pest. On a more positive note, I'm always amazed at how much you THINK about your stories. I can tell you've put a lot of effort into this, which is why I read it in the first place. I do want to read more about the whole "grand" idea you have thought out, it does interest me. :] I hope that you will continue this and that the next chapter will make perhaps a bit more sense. Good luck, and keep writing, Bleep
Imalefty 2008-02-18 ch 1,	abusereview game! hmm... a summoning spell in the beginning. it's interesting... i would warn against cliches, but i think i have enough confidence in your writing that you won't make it too cliched. :) so don't disappoint! "it’s piercing eyes almost made it seem alive" - should be "its." also, "made it seem alive" reads kind of weird. perhaps reword? "causing it to light up." - would probably go with "lighting it up" or something like that. the "causing it" kind of breaks the flow. you need a space after "turn on passing guys." (before Vicky.) just a typo. XD "requested" is a bit tame for vicky's physical reaction... more like "demanded" maybe? i guess that's your call. it was a bit confusing after izu showed up... you'll probably elaborate more in the next chapters, but i'd like some more description or explanation as to what's going on... everyone in the story seems to be familiar with izu and his sudden appearance... anyway, it looks like it could be a promising story. keep it up! :) -Lefty
hiro0911 2008-02-17 ch 1,	abuseHi! Hiro here from the Review Game ^_^ Fantasy story, cool! Technicalities first: Engraved on the rocky ground was a huge magically glowing circle - Engraved on the rocky ground was a huge, magically-glowing circle... very detailed image of a phoenix - distinct (or intricate, drop the 'very') image of a phoenix it’s piercing eyes almost made it seem alive - its (no apostrophe) piercing eyes nearly made it seem alive. Two more shots came down in succession - Two more bolts came down in succession A soft tender human hand was brought forward, sticking out its index finger. - A soft, tender human hand motioned forward, sticking out its index finger. (Avoid passive sentences like 'was brought'. Make them active form) blood began to escape. - blood seeped out... long silvery-haired girl - long, silver-haired girl they were outside a message board in a corridor, - they were standing by (or beside) a message board on the corridor outside. Heaving and sighing, Elle yelled out, trembling the entire building. - After heaving a sigh, Elle yelled out in a manner that almost upturned the entire building. the last of the four Helen handed Elle a tissue. - the last of the four, Helen, handed Elle a tissue. He had black spiky hair, and in one hand was a long sword almost his own height. - He had black, spiky hair and held in one hand a long sword, which length almost equaled his height. (But I suggest breaking this sentence into two separate ones) one eighty degrees - 180 degrees or one hundred eighty degrees Whom has asked for my service - Who asked for my service? For the plot, I liked the general concept of summoning and stuff. So they were from some magic school, where Elle has managed to let out some mysterious 'summon' whom she later discovered to be the Knight of Illusions himself. Pretty interesting. And the way you described him - he must look pretty cool ^_^ As far as the 'grandness' you wanted to portray in this fic,I must say that I am quite at awe with the vast world of magic you've created with your mind. Although, sometimes we should not let it override our intention of telling the tale effectively (like some writer's tendency to over-describe, or write overly-vivid descriptions that leaves the reader dumbfounded - that type of work, if you know what I mean). This fic certainly does not fall under that trap, since overall, despite the vast, grandeur setting, you managed to keep things down in an understandable, apprehendable, light read. The sudden shifting of scenes kinda broke the momentum though. I dunno, maybe it's just me... (and my sleepy eyes) but anyway... Also, some grammar errs I've spotted halted the flow from time to time, so I suggest you do some little revisions. Then you'll do just fine ^_^ Elle must have that 'natural' summoning talent, being able to get such high mark. I foresee a great story ahead. Keep it up, Lacus ^_^ Take care, ~hiro (PS. About your author note, it's kinda weird that it's the total opposite for me. I am originally a fantasy fiction writer, but when I did a high school romance fic just for the heck of it, I am actually enjoying it more now. LOL)
Dexterity 2008-02-17 ch 1,	abuseHey concon! It is the Review Game again! I'll be writing this as I read along, so please bear with me this sounds fragmented. Writing: "Within the magical ring was a very detailed image of a phoenix – it’s piercing eyes almost made it seem alive. " Should be "its" not "it's" since "it's" is the abbreviation of "it is". Also, I think the dash isn't necessary. A comma might work better since the later phrase is not independent. "Two more shots came down in succession, until abruptly everything came to halt. " Comma not needed here since "Two...succession" is not an introducer, and "until" is not a conjunction. " Its thumb pressed against it and in a second, blood began to escape." This sentence is confusion. Avoid using the same pronoun to describe two different things within the same sentence. What is "it" referring to? "Elle, a long silvery-haired girl stood beside a row of three other female students, all in their uniforms – a white tight-fit shirt, dark blue skirt, and a white cape attached to their shoulders, hanging down to their shoes." I think "silver-haired" would work better here. Also, avoid describing just for the sake of describing (also I problem I'm struggling with). Try to include information of appearances within the characters' actions to make them more interesting. "Restraining any negative thoughts, they were outside a message board in a corridor, eagerly awaiting their examination results." I think starting the sentence with "restraining any negative thoughts" was awkward. Try "They were outside a message board in a corridor, eagerly awaiting their examination results while restraining any negative thoughts." "It drew the other’s attention." I think it should be "It drew the others' attention" "Although not knowing what in the world was happening, the last of the four Helen handed Elle a tissue." Commas are needed before and after "Helen" "It disappeared into thin air, releasing his hands free of hold." I think you may have the same problem as me here. The "releasing ...hold" is not needed since the reader already knows that the sword disappeared. Try to describe, not tell. Don't tell us what is going on, just show us and we would know. “Unbelievable. I, Izu will now be at your service, miss.” The word "miss" needs to be capitalized since you are referring to a certain person. It is like how "my mother" is not capitalized, but "What're we having for dinner, Mother?" is capitalized. "All students that have passed their exams please head to the hall for the graduation ceremony immediately." I think it shouldn't be "that" but "who". Students are not objects but people, so we use "who" in this case. Plot:I liked how you started the story. The poem really caught my attention. The rest of the story is a bit confusing though. Try not to change the scene too often. I was really lost after the results were announced. Characters: Love Izu! He seems really cool. As for Elle, I'm fine with her, but I hope she would get more development because, so far, I don't find her to be very different from her friends. It might be better if the protagonists have some special traits. Dialogue: Good. I like it so far. Izu's dialogue really reveals his character. As for the others, they were good but not as exceptional as what Izu says. I think this will be a strong point to the story. I hope you would emphasize dialogue in the later chapters too. Good opening chapter. It was interesting and the writing was good; fluid, clear, down-to-the-point. Your descriptions are nice, but once again, try to show us things, not tell us what is happening. I'll be looking forward to future installments. Good job on this interesting story! Good luck writing, concon! ~Dex
Equilibrium 2008-02-17 ch 1,	abuseThis is really interesting. I like your very creative idea of pulling people out of an entirely different era. Your descriptions are cool, as usual. But I notice there are one or two punctuation/sentence structure errors. That's minor, though. I'll be looking forward to the continuation of this story!

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